"I wonder why the obligation to declare one’s purpose exists at all" - T. Allen-Mercado

Upon my lifelong quest to discover who I really am, and in the aftermath of my most recent mental break, I read the Moms of Hue post (which I encourage you all to do) of my blog sister T. Allen-Mercado, and was moved into expression...

Tameka, I didn't know that we were allowed to wonder this or to even question it at all. So much weight is placed on defining one's life's purpose, building a career, living one's destiny. What do those things even mean? Ever since I was accepted to Cal, I have felt pushed and prodded to define my life's purpose, and before I was accepted to Cal, I thought I already had. I had always loved to write, was scolded by my grandmother for "never wanting to do nothin' but write", was exposed to journalism in school, and so that's what I wanted to do with my life back then. I wanted to become a journalist. I wanted to become an investigative reporter, a creator of "new media" before there was New Media - in an effort to show the world what good could be found in the inner city. To create a space for my own voice to yell out from beneath the concrete and be heard.

Now, with those demanding questions that you spoke of being hurled at me - So, what are you doing now that you've graduated? What can you do with a degree in Gender & Women's Studies? So, you wanna do social work? What kind of job are you looking for? You're not going to grad school? Why not? Administrative Assistant? Oh. - And the judgmental statements - $10 an hour is better than $0 an hour/ Did you think you were gonna come right outta college and be the CEO of a fortune 500 company?/ I thought you had drive and determination/ Your minimal salary requirement is too high. It all has shattered my self confidence and my self esteem, and ingrained in me that a life without purpose is a life that isn't worth living.

After revealing my lack of life's purpose and my belief that $10 an hour was not going to pay rent in a safe environment, I was dumped by the person that I thought understood my struggle. Not only dumped, but kicked while I was down... lack of drive and determination, remember? This morning, I found myself on a 24 hr crisis phone line, crying to a man asking me to tell him what was wrong when I had no words, feeling 5150ish.

I guess I say all of this to say that I hate the quest for the American Dream. Like your wondering about purpose itself, I hate the very fact that there is a quest for the American Dream because its just a trope to drive the world towards submission and homogeneity, and those who resist or get lost in the hype, go insane.

Its funny how, when you're trying to make moves, challenges just pop up outta nowhere. This morning's drive was the most uneasy I have ever driven. The sound of metal grinding against metal with each stop and start. That "clinking" feeling under my feet. A sign that I have ignored the BRAKE illumination for way too long. So, now I will pay the price. Not with cash, because that I don't have, but in time and resources. I am about to officially be immobile, at a time when I really need my transportation to be reliable. If I do land a job, which I am sure will happen now that I have this new reality, what will I do? How the hell am I supposed to get there?

And this would happen the week that I am responsible for transporting 2 kids to school, 25.17 miles away from each other. I'm still convinced that a BREAK isn't too much to ask for.

You know what I really hate? When people tell me shit that I already know! Especially when I am trying to gain NEW information. I am STILL waiting for my professor to submit my thesis grade. I thought that since it was already the end of the semester, that one more paper would NOT be that big of a deal for her to read, but obviously I was wrong. Obviously ONE WHOLE MONTH has not been enough time for her to read and grade my paper. Obviously "I" was the only person who had a deadline when it comes to this fucking paper!

I sent a second inquiry email to the professor and cc'd it to the department adviser. The adviser felt that it was totally necessary to remind me that the professor has started a new semester, thus, will get around to my thesis whenever she has time. First of all, DUH BITCH! I am fully aware that this is a new semester and that the heffa is teaching a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12:30-2pm! I am also aware that I submitted my thesis to her a month ago and that should have been ample time for her to do what she needed to do. What the hell does she mean that she'll get around to it when she has time?? If that were the case, why the fuck did I need to submit it within a certain time frame? If deadlines didn't matter, I could have still been working on it! As bad as I am trying to put UC Berkeley behind me, its like I am forever tied to it. I came, I saw, and now I'm trying to move the fuck on, SO LET ME DAMNIT!

In other news... actually, let's not even get into the other news. I think my blood pressure is already high enough for today. Instead, I think I'm gonna go put on my electric kettle and make myself a tall ass mug of Peppermint tea!

The professor who was overseeing my thesis once told me that. These days, I'm putting it into practice. I decided to pass on going to the interview today, with the option to call and reschedule at a later date. I just couldn't fully make the commitment or waste my time, and theirs, by going through the motions today. I've been searching and researching more opportunities and I am sure that I will "get in where I fit in" when the time is right.

I got my application submitted for junior college and now its all a matter of working out a few kinks in their generalized requirements and getting enrolled in the math class. At this late date, I am really hoping that the class isn't full. That would really be irritating. Completely my fault, but irritating nonetheless. On the other hand, if it were full and I did have to wait yet another semester (God forbid) it would only give me complete freedom to choose a job position without time restraints, which could mean the difference between part time and full time. We'll see how it all goes down in the next few weeks.

I feel like I keep telling myself what it is that I really need, yet, I still find myself in the same place. Funny how that happens. Onlookers stay armed with the perfect piece of advice and workable solutions, but none of it reaches me. For the advice and the solutions can't fix things over here. I'm working as an individual with an individual experience.

I know what needs to happen, but not where to begin. I know where I should turn, but afraid of the implications of making that particular decision. You're probably trying to figure out what the hell I'm talking about, but just roll with it. I'm not specifically talking to you, just talking to space today.

Deep down I know that everything will work out. However, that doesn't make current times any less trying.

"Why do you hate me so much", he asked. I get chills each time he asks me that. "I've told you a million times why, but you never listen", I reply.

He tells me that I am living in the past, and that "we" need to get past "the past".

Oh really? Get past "the past", huh? Isn't the number 1 requirement for transcending the past acknowledgment of it? And you don't just "get past" the past. You grow and evolve because of it. You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been...

My personal pain has reached a red alert. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that, in order for me to find true happiness and peace, I am gonna have to just pick up and go. There was a time when my whole family was in one place. Very centered. Now, only a few of us remain, merely existing, not living. Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of environment, a change of support networks, a new start, is just the right push to begin the process of living again.

I told Miss J's dad that he should start to enjoy his time with his daughter because this is the last year that we'll be around. He took that to mean that my life's mission is to take his child away from him. That, not only am I milking him for child support, that now I want to escape with his investment. So, he informed me that he has a lawyer, and that he will "put the plan in motion" so that I can't leave California if he has to. I guess that would also mean no to a name change. I don't see it as having much to do with the baby at all, but everything to do with his need to have a level of control over me, since he also said that he has no problem with me going where ever my degree leads me. If I relocate for a better opportunity, doesn't that involve taking my child with me? Aren't planes, trains and automobiles still adequate modes of travel? So, at what point would Miss J be kept away from him? And if he does feel the need to "put his plan in motion", does he think that the judge will only hear his side of the story? Does he think the court will not want to take his character, his past, his present, into consideration when trying to establish whether or not we should share custody of our daughter? No, according to him, since I will have my degree, I will be making more money than him, and when he gets joint custody I will have to pay him support, instead of him paying me support. Wow.

This entire situation is like a really bad nightmare... more like a night-terror that just keeps replaying itself over and over. I constantly examine the past, looking for clues to the red flags. Where did I go blind? Unaware of other women before and after baby, rape, STIs, mental abuse, 3 more children with 2 more women (whom I've never met), siblings that are too many for my daughter to keep up with. How did 1 man gain the ability to have a lasting negative effect on my life? How could he have been a part of my life for 5 years before baby and then totally flip the script on my ass after baby? Walking away from the situation all together before the staples were removed from my belly.

I just want the pain to stop. I want him to be a distant memory. I want the mental torment to stop. I want him to stop trying to break me. To stop envying my pending success. To stop sexually harrassing me. To stop threatening me. To stop making my child love him when he knows that he doesn't really have time to be the kind of father that she deserves. To stop having more children so that maybe he could have the time to be the father that his children deserve... I want to run. No forwarding address. No number in service. Without a trace.

I could have gotten a restraining order a long time ago. I could have gone to court and faught for full custody a long time ago. Why didn't I? Its simple. I don't trust the law. It isn't set up to work for women and children in cases of physical and sexual abuse, not to mention mental abuse. Because as I was told by the police, "if he hasn't hit you then there isn't anything we can do", "you will have to get him to confess", "unless he harms the child or puts the child in danger, there isn't anything we can do", "there wasn't enough evidence in the rape kit, so there isn't a case". Why the fuck would I trust the law to see that he is not in the best interest of my child? To an outsider, all of this looks like the problem is strictly between the two of us, and that Miss J is just caught in the middle of a bunch of bitterness, but like I've said before, it goes much deeper than that. He took something away from me that can't be replaced. He changed my life in such a way that I am now stagnant. He stripped me of my agency. He has it all now. I want it back and that wont happen if I stay here.

Right now, I am trying to not focus solely on this as I have a list of other things to focus on. I'll have to just cross whatever bridges along the journey when I come to them.

Nine months ago I had my second breast ultrasound, and six months before that I had my first.

The First Encounter...

During my physical exam, my doctor was in the middle of reminding me of what to look for during a self breast exam when her fingers rolled over it. A small lump that felt like a marble in comparison to the natural lumps inside of my young breasts. Then the questioning began... Have you felt this before? Its possible, or not, since I had not been examining myself each month like I'm suppose to and since that was her first time feeling it. Did you breastfeed? No, my sweet little baby was given a pacifier and bottle in the hospital before I could get to her and she got nipple confusion. (why she was no immediately given to me after birth is another story for another post)

Ok, then that must be it. She felt that since the lump was near my nipple that I probably just had a blocked duct, but she wanted to make sure. She got the necessary paperwork together and I scheduled an appointment. I was anxious about finding out exactly what this lump was. Was it just a blocked duct? Was it cancer? If so, was it something that could be removed? Was I gonna have to lose my breast? What exactly was I going to be dealing with here? After the doctor viewed the ultrasound photos he didn't feel that we were dealing with cancer, but wanted me to keep an eye on it and come back in six months.

Ultrasound Revisited...

The second visit was much like the first. The blue and white gown opened in the front. The warm jelly. The wand circling and pressing on my breast. The clicks of the mechine. The reviewing of the photos and the same conclusions from the doctor.

Third Time Around...

Upon reviewing the photos, the doctor still has no real idea of what has nestled itself inside of my breast, but the good news is that whatever it is, it has remained the same size this entire time, which means good news. I have options. I can just monitor it. I can have a biopsy. If its a cyst, as my doctor thinks, I can have it removed by inserting a needle into it. I am curious to know what it is, so I may request a biopsy, just to be on the safe side, and if it turns out to just be a cyst I will opt to have it removed. My brain is much too impaired to remember to exam it religiously and I will just feel better knowing that it, and anything else that shouldn't be, isn't there. My family history gives me enough cancer anxiety as it is.

Now, having just said that, you ladies be sure to keep up with your breast health... not just during Breast Cancer Awareness month!

13 days in and I think I have finally come up with a workable plan, list, collection of work in progress collection of lists that sum up the goals that I want to accomplish in 2009.

Instead of making that long list of "things I'd like to change" or "things I'd like to accomplish" or the dreadful "2009 resolutions", I decided that it would be more systematic to view my life in terms of specific areas, in order to determine the things that I'd most like to improve. Right now, the areas of priority in my life are:

- Academic
- Career/ Financial
- Personal
- Motherhood

As I looked at these areas I started obsessing a bit over all the ways that I felt I have been failing in these areas. Right off the bat I started condemning myself, when there was really no need. Life is a work in progress, and each year, month, week, day, hour, minute and even second that goes by, we are growing. You can't know exactly what needs improvement until you have lived a little and allowed yourself to experience and learn from those experiences. So, with that in mind, I chose to only set 5 goals for each area of my life. Why overwhelm myself when I know I am clearly not one of those people who should be overwhelmed? In fact, an overarching theme of my goals is to underwhelm myself throughout 2009 and hopefully this can be implemented into a concrete lifestyle change.

Here are the goals that I have set for the 4 areas of my life:

Academic
- Stay ahead of assignments: I have a huge problem with this. From everyday responsibilities and time restraints, an abundance of reading, to my ability to have to work at my own pace... I often find myself with materials that I never even get to. This has gotta change. I'm going to strive to stay ahead of the game by using my spare time and weekends more wisely where readings are concerned. Besides, if "ahead of schedule" IS the schedule there will be plenty of time left to rest my mind, instead of stressing it trying to cram information at the last minute.

-Keep Organized: Remember to take my well kept planner out of my bag when I get home!

- Attend professor office hours at least twice a month: Professors are required to be available to provide guidance, answer questions, etc. All I need to do is make sure I take advantage of this by keeping the lines of communication open at all times with my professors.

- Develop my writing: Spend some extra time (ie, blogging, free writing, journaling, etc) to just enjoy writing again period. I still see it as more work than fun, when it was always fun before.

- Complete my thesis: The down time is coming to an end and its time for me to put my thinking cap back on and get that draft done. Then the rest will be a peace of cake.

Career/Financial
- List my skills: I still have NO idea which direction I will be heading in May, but I do have various useful skills that should place me in a good place. The task is to group these skills to see if they lead in a specific direction or if the sky is just the limit for me.

- Find a job with a livable wage: Kind of a no brainer, but, its a must because its very expensive to live in the Bay Area. Money will be important when making my transition.

- No more credit card debt: Thankfully most of my cc debt has been paid and the rest can be paid off as soon as my financial aid refund hits my bank account!

- Budget, Budget, Budget: Should be simple since my current budget doesn't allow for senseless spending.

- Start an emergency fund: Gotta take Suze's advice on this one. Since finances will be changing, this should get off to a good start.

Personal
- Exercise everyday: Moving my body will help regulate my mood and keep both "the taupes" and the pounds off my ass.

- Healthy eating: I am on a quest to fall back in love with my long lost salads!

- Heal the pain of the past: This involves a lot of writing and detoxing of the mind.

- Rediscover myself: Its true, I still don't fully know who I am, but I am determined to find out.

- Make time for therapeutic writing: See how some of these goals overlap!

Motherhood
- Read to Miss J daily: Sadly, during the semesters, I read sooo much stuff that I get burnt out. Crazy, I know. One should never get tired of reading, right? Well, I do! Then Miss J suffers, with a never ending pushing of the bed time story to the "next night". Instead of saving reading for bedtime, we will move it to right before dinner or while dinner is cooking.

- Make special mother/daughter time: Yep, even with it being just the two of us sometimes this time does have to be scheduled. I am often submerged in school stuff and she is looking to get out of the house and over to granny's or aunt's or dad's or ANYBODY'S for the weekend. Scheduling specific days of the week or times of the day for just me and her will secure and build or relationship.

- Be more patient: This is number 1. Egg shells are all over this place. I'm working on it though. Miss J is already aware that her mother is crazy so she makes sure to give me a daily overdose of hugs, kisses, and "I love yous" to help me feel better.

- Work in playdates at least twice a month: We don't do much of these, and as Miss J builds deeper meaningful friendships, this has become very important to her.

- Put money into the savings account: It exists, but its usually empty. I am starting small with monthly contributions and then at some point I will switch over to a high yield account, like ING or something like that. I don't know if we will be paying for a couple years of college out of this account, but who knows where it could be in the next 13 years.


See, not as painful as it all looks. There are themes, and once a routine is put into place I'll be on a roll.

I thank those of you who have commented and who might comment in the future on my last post. The level of gratitude that I have for your love, support, shared experiences and advice can not be expressed in words. So, please know that I highly appreciate your points of view and I appreciate you, period.

I realize that I probably sound a bit like one of those women scorned, who is all too eager to pull the plug on a blossoming father/daughter relationship. You know, the women who grab the child and hauls ass when things don't work out between her and the father, forbidding him to come near. I want to assure you that I AM NOT THAT WOMAN. I am not headed to the Maury Provich show no time soon... perhaps Montell, but never Maury. All kidding aside though, the situation really goes a lot deeper than that. I know that conversations about hair and personal decisions to abuse or not abuse drugs seem petty and not even worth the fire, but actually, these are part of the fuel. I feel the need to place all of the madness in this triangle into context so that you might better understand why I react and say the things that I do.

I'd like to just share an email that I sent to one of you in response to that post. I am not looking to portray my life and Miss J's as completely dysfunctional and unhealthy, I am looking for release. We all have issues and her dad just happens to be one of my many, lol. Oh yeah, I did say that all kidding was aside. Sorry. The fact that I can come here and vent keeps me half way sane, my daughter happy, her father alive and me earning a degree instead of doing time for murder. No, seriously!


Yeah, I too have had my share of longing for my dad, who spent the majority of his life, and mine, in jail. My parents never divorced, but he sure as hell was never around. I knew him through cards and letters. He was a talented artist and I enjoyed and saved every card that he ever sent. I had shoe boxes full. When my mother died he was in jail... I always feared that he would die in jail and be buried in the prison grave yard without me knowing. He was HIV positive and also had cancer. Luckily (for me) that didn't happen. He was out of jail last year, living in a half way house with failing health. He died last September in a hospital without anyone by his side. It was difficult for me because I didn't get the chance to say good-by, just as I had not gotten the chance to tell my mother good-by. My aunt revealed to me that he felt that it was too late for us to have a relationship because he had fucked up. Pissed his life away in jail and now his life was coming to an end. I wish he wouldn't have felt that way because although I never bit my tongue about the ways that he and his family failed me, he knew that I loved him and that no matter what happened and how much time had passed that I would always be there to accept him. We never got the opportunity to build a real relationship, but we did make a certain level of peace.

As for Miss J's dad, there is a certain level of history there that can't be repaired for anyone's sake. I don't want it to seem like I am jumping to conclusions just because he isn't perfect. Its deeper than that. I go above and beyond to keep the opportunity for them to build a relationship open. I suffer, so that I can provide what everyone keeps telling me is ideal for my daughter. A few years ago, her dad raped me, for which he claims to have no memory of doing, and since there was not enough evidence from the rape kit (or so I was told) he was never convicted of anything. Never even charged, just merely questioned. The ball was dropped by the DA in my case and things fell apart. So, I went through, and still go through, periods of feeling as if it was my fault, feeling that if I had not tried so hard to keep him in her life and make a happy home where there just wasn't meant to be one that he never would have had the opportunity to rape me, feeling as if I should have never even reported it, feeling as if I should just forget about it like he has and just make myself believe that it never happened. Because at least then, my suffering would no longer have to fall on deaf ears and I would no longer be internally tormented by memories and what ifs.

I don't care to joined them when they spend time together because I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has no respect for the feelings of others. I communicate to him repeatedly that I don't want to be touched, hugged, propositioned for sex, and still, I am propositioned, and still, I have been slapped on the ass and forced into hugs... all to not make a scene in front of the child. I clearly let the scene slip about the whole "hair" thing. So, I try to keep my distance while providing her the chance to know him, to have him in her life. At the same time, I am super vigilant and extra preventative so the minute I feel something isn't right then its time to create that distance. Its my job to protect her and quite honestly I don't trust him. How can you trust someone who often claims to not remember the things that they do?? The ONLY reason that I allow Miss J to go with him, unsupervised is because 1. there is nothing that will ever happen to her/around her that she will not tell me, my grandma, her aunt, teachers, and anyone else who will listen. That's just her personality and I love it. 2. I don't want to get the courts involved because I don't want to get into any kind of custody battles. I don't trust the law because I was failed and I continue to be failed by justice because my attacker walks free, re-victimizes me on the regular and they say there is nothing they can do about it. Unless he does something physical to me or to her there is nothing they can do under the law.

So, here I am, dealing with the situation as is, and plotting my escape, just as his oldest daughter's mother did, to a new dwelling in possibly a fresh state when I finally graduate. In no way will this be a ploy to keep him from having a relationship with her. Just as he travels to Las Vegas to visit his oldest, he may travel to where ever we settle to visit her. I do believe that he loves her, BUT, it comes at a price for the both of us. Up until a couple of years ago, she was like collateral damage in our relationship. He would tell me that he wanted to spend time with her and when he was allowed into my home he would dismiss her after 10 minutes and start sexually harassing and propositioning me. I made a decisions to take my body back and stop degrading myself just so that my daughter could see her father's face. This was a factor in my rape (which wasn't even the first time). I said no, tried to be free, tried to do what was right, tried to stop a cycle of fatherlessness...but how much am "I" suppose to suffer just to give my child the life that society says is appropriate? What about what I feel is appropriate? For me, safety trumps appropriateness. Prevetative measure trump letting things happen.

There you have it. That's what's up. As Fantasia says, "this is me".

I have succeeded in getting sick. It always happens when there is a sudden change in the weather. Rain one week, hot summer like days the next, then humid sunless days the next... Now I am sneezing all over the place and battling sinus pressure, along with a stuffy, runny nose. I need to result to some holistic healing because I can't even afford to think about trying to get hold of any OTC meds. All of this couldn't have come at a better time, as I have a 20 PAGE DRAFT DUE THIS FRIDAY!

So, yeah, that's really what I came here to tell you. I am gonna have to take a short vacation from you this week because I have until 3pm Friday to get this mock thesis completed and I have to really buckle down and crank it out. Then on top of that I think we are gonna have to do peer reviews next week. As if I really wanna spend a bunch of time reviewing TWO 20 page papers in addition to fine tuning my own next week. This whole thing can't be over fast enough for me. I'd much rather produce mindless banter any day than have to be all academic. My brain just doesn't wanna go there, but this week I must force it.

I will be back Friday evening to participate in Friday Fill-ins, catch up on all that you have been up to this week, AND to share those photoshoot photos with you. Yep, Wildboy emailed me today and told me that he had them ready for me.

Wish me luck!

It would be an understatement to say that I am feeling less than ideal today. I had planned a joyous post about the excitement of both Miss J. and I on choosing Halloween costumes, however, after being on my PC for about an hour the screen went blank and the power was lost. This makes the 3rd or 4th time that this has happened to me so far within a month period. My rational side is pushing me to retire this old thing into the closet and use a loaner until I can invest in a new MAC, however, the irrational side of me will probably wait until the damn thing explodes and every essay, photo and anything else of importance will be lost forever. It'll be just like that episode of Sex and the City when Carry's laptop crashed and she lost everything because she never backed it up on an external hard drive.

Besides the medium that connects me to all of you, there are a ton of other things on my mind, like how stupid it was to get my hair done yesterday and then precede to the club last night for my bff's birthday celebration, knowing that the humidity created by too many bodies in a single space was going to make the style go flat. Or how much I keep getting overly irritated by the little comments Miss J.'s dad keeps making about her lack of perfect ponytails. He has one more time to mention anything about hair to me before he loses an eyeball. He makes it seem like I just let her run around looking a hot mess while I walk around fresh from the stylist's chair. Get the fuck outta here with that! Listen. I spend the majority of my days cooped up in classrooms being pumped with loads of information that I will soon have to apply to building a career, so nobody's hair gets combed every single day in my house. What right does he even have to comment anyway since he has never picked up brush, rubber band, nor comb and sat or stood for 30-45 minutes making sure that every tear was wiped and every part was straight. Like I said. Get. The. Fuck. Outta. Here. With. That!

Then there is still the thesis that I am fighting to find interest in. I will fill you in a bit later on my change of topic. Yes, the Statute of Limitations is out, enter Black Erotic Performance. Let me just say that this process generates so much stress that last week in class a fellow classmate literally came close to throwing up. There are probably about 15-17 of us in the class and this process evokes something different in all of us. For the most part, being forced to spend a mountain of time thinking about a thesis leaves me near convulsions so I'll just leave it at that for now. If not, my mind, right along with my PC will be on its way out.

Is there an immediate difference between the two? Those of us who work from an American Dream type of ideology would probably say that there isn't, stating that to be disciplined is an act of showcasing self control and to be "self" motivated is an act of being in control of self. The common denominator here is "individualism", which we are all taught is the only way to truly achieve any level of success. You have to be responsible for yourself; you have to think for yourself; you can't just wait around for things to be handed to you; you have to make things happen for yourself, we are told. So, then where do the concepts of group effort, community, and support network fit in?

I ask, because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about where discipline and motivation fit into my life. As I think about all of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year, and how excited and ready I was to improve myself, I have sadly been falling short. On December 30, 2007, in my Myspace blog I wrote:

No resolutions for me, only long term and short term goals. I have learned from experience that resolutions are made to remain unkept and goals are set to be achieved =). So, I have set some goals for myself to work toward in 2008.

In no particular order:

1. Become a senior!!
2. Maintain a healthier lifestyle.
3. Reach my fitness goal.
4. Gain mental clarity.
5. Get my money straight.
6. Be a BETTER than the best mother that I can be.
7. Find happiness within myself.
8. Raise confidence levels beyond the max.
9. Say goodby to my comfort zone.
10. Accept all challenges head on.

Since then, I have achieved some of these things, but am not working hard enough toward others and I think it has a lot to do with the ways that discipline and motivation are currently positioned in my life. Last October, when I reached 161 lbs, I took a long look at myself and decided that I wanted to reclaim the person I was before I became a mom. Its not about running away from who I am now, as a mom, but about proving that I am many other things in addition to being a mom. Its about remembering the things that I was working toward before becoming a mom. And furthermore, its about simultaneously reclaiming and defining "my" identity.

I was hell bent on making not just some changes in my life, but a lifestyle change this year. I started exercising, eating healthier, I was working part time and doing well in my classes. I lost 16 lbs and was much more fit than I had been. Then I was laid off from my job in April and everything changed. I lost my motivation to stick to both my workout plan and my new nutritional habits. As much as I love martial arts, I could only bring myself to keep my date with Billy Blanks twice. Now he just sits on top of the dvd player waiting for me to get my shit together. I am overall disappointed in myself for dropping the ball. Disappointed in my lack of "self" motivation and my lack of discipline... but should I be? Should I be disappointed in myself for not being in the individualistic spirit these days... for yearning for support as a form of motivation? Are external motivators just all wrong?

I have been considering joining some kind of exercise class in hopes of generating some sort of support network that would make me want to keep up with it. Now that all of the handouts and newletters are being brought home by Miss J. I am thinking of using her as a motivator. I saw a hip hop dance class that I think she would love. Now all I have to do is track down the instructor's email address so that I can convince him that letting my five year old join a class that is limited to 8-10 year olds would be a great idea. Maybe I can find a class that will be fun for me and that will give me a good workout at the same time, like the bellydance class that I have been wanting to take forever.

So, how do all of you view motivation and discipline? Do you think that motivation should always come from within? Do you think that we all should have some form of discipline in our lives when it comes to doing things for ourselves? Let me know.

I am SOOO happy and excited to announce that my friend Round Peg over at Medicine and Mishaps, that I called on all of you to head over and help, has received the help =). I am soo excited and happy for her... wait, did I say that already?? Well, its totally worth saying a second AND a third time because she will now be able to pay 75% of her fees toward earning her teaching credentials. Because folks took her pleas into consideration and actually voted for her she won the grand prize in the scholarship program she applied for. That is such a beautiful thing.

I don't know how many of you stopped in and read my previous post on her story or how many of you went over and took the time to vote for her video submission, but I DO know of one person who did. A very special thank you goes out to Renee over at Cutie Booty Cakes for her support... Round Peg thanks you!

See how much friendly gestures pay off!!

In this post, I was gonna tell you all about how I have reached the point of needing to get a new computer because my 6 year old laptop is starting to be as slow as growing grass. I was also going to tell you all how I have not touched a Mac keyboard or typed a Mac command in 6 years, but am thinking about crossing over from PC to become a part of the Mac world. Why? Because Macs don't get bogged down with a bunch of viruses that MAKE YOUR COMPUTER RUN HELLA SLOW!!! As if age is not a big enough problem already, I have to worry about a bunch of bad crap trying to pull the plug on my PC. I had written all about my computer history, issues and concerns about moving on when I was forced to close my browser due to the fact that after clicking "Publish Post" nothing happened. Nothing happened after clicking "Save Now" either, so I thought I would out smart my elderly PC and copy all of the text so that I could close the browser, open a new one and paste my completed post. In an ideal world, things like this would be successful, but since there is nothing completely cut and dry about our world, lets just say that didn't happen. I ended up with a draft that was only half of the post that I had written and when I attempted to paste what I had previously copied it was NOT an option. Grrr..... I FRICKIN' HATE YOU TOSHIBA!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE OLD, JUST CONTINUE TO WORK DAMN IT!!

I wont go any further because my evil thoughts toward Mrs. Toshiba wont allow it. Let me just end by asking if any of you are Mac users, and if so, what's your experience been like? Were you a PC user and decided to become a Mac user? You will be helping me decide if getting a Mac would be a better investment for me than just getting another PC, which will eventually get a damn virus just like this little bitch has... ooops, sorry... see I told you I was having evil thoughts about her.

Hey friends. I know I haven't known you all long enough to be calling on you for favors, but I could really use your help right now. Well... one of my friends could REALLY use your help right now. I would like to ask you all to pay my friend Round Peg, over at Medicine and Mishaps, a visit because you are in the perfect position to provide her and her family some much needed assistance. You see, Round Peg is the mother of a beautiful little boy who has had to have cranial surgeries since birth, the mother of a wonderful 3 year old who recently survived a fall from her 2 story staircase outside of their apartment, a sister to a now wheelchair bound brother who broke his back in that same accident by cradling his niece to ensure that he would hit the ground before her as the wood from the staircase suddenly gave way, a wife, a full time student and on top of all of that, Round Peg herself is recovering from surgery to repair torn stomach muscles.

I want to provide a little excerpt from her blog as she wrote about the accident involving her daughter and brother:

Monday evening, I got home before Needlenoggin and decided I'd like to take Rorysaurus downstairs and play with her there myself. My wife said she was going to go run some errands, so I was in charge of both kids, and Needlenoggin got home shortly after she'd left. I told Needlenoggin what the plan was and started to head out the back door to the old staircase that winds down the side of the old Victorian house we share with 3 other apartment units, while he was getting changed out of his work uniform and would join me momentarily.

I paused in heading out with the two kids, and decided Little Monkeyneeded something warmer, since it was getting on into evening, though still bright and sunny. Dressing a baby can take a few minutes, so -- God, I'm crying as I write this -- I turned back to dress him properly. I sat down in his room, and was snapping on his outfit when I heard the crash.

Neighbors were shouting, 9-11 got at least eight different phone calls. I looked out the back door and everything seemed normal, until I looked to my feet. The landing outside our door wasn't quite there anymore. It had become a trap door that swung open under Needlenoggin's weight. I looked down from our second story apartment and saw him bleeding and crumpled at basement level, and I had no idea where my daughter was. He'd picked her up and headed out the door, and she wasn't there.

Finally brought myself to finish up my cover letter today. There wasn't really a rush since I already made up my mind to turn in the application on Monday. It wasn't as scary as it seemed. I tried to just make sure that I sold myself and hopefully that is enough to get me in the door. The only thing that I am worried about right now is if the position is still available. I have no idea how many openings there were. I think there may be a few since they offer 2 hr minimum shifts, this opens up many possibilities throughout a work week. I am also a little worried about turning in my application packet without the optional reference letter. It was recommended that it be turned in, but not required. Since I didn't make it to the baby shower yesterday I did not meet up with my friend who was going to be completing it for me and I was unable to reach her by phone. Rather than stress over it, I forced myself to shuffle the papers and focus on the other pieces of the application. All blanks are filled, resume is now updated, cover letter has been written and all are tailored to the position that I am applying for, so there is nothing else left that I can do except to turn it all in. Wish me luck.

In three days I will be beginning my last year as an undergrad and Miss J. will begin her first year as an elementary student. Wow, we are finally here. Time to jump right in to the next phases of our lives.

I am excited about school shopping for Miss J. This girl needs a whole new wardrobe, as you all saw from those Billie Jeans that she has been sporting. She is quite the little slim jim. Since we are not a family that has much money or one that tends to run toward high end brands, one of my favorite places to shop for Miss J. is The Children's Place. I am in LOVE with that place and she is too. They always send out 15% off coupons in the mail, have "2 for" sales and will always put out their new lines a season ahead of time so when the season actually comes all of the clothes are on sale. Again... I absolutely LOVE this store. I'd probably work there if there was one close to campus =). Here are a few outfits from each of this season's collections that I have my eye on for Miss J.








































Ok, so this is a little more than a few outfits, but with the prices and discounts we could probably get all of them and stay within our budget. The main things on my list are jeans, socks (which she never use to keep on her feet in preschool), underwear and shoes. Miss J. wants to stock up on leggings and tights, she loves them. They can really make an easy outfit too since the 80's fashion has made a come-back. Just throw on a pair of leggings and a long shirt or dress and you have yourself an outfit. The other great thing about The Children's Place is that they have different lines that are color coordinated so its very easy to get a few outfits and switch the pieces to make a bunch of different outfits. For example, from one of the looks above I could easily take the jeans from the dress and replace with leggings from another look. Cute outfits without emptying your bank account. For those of you with boys they have outfits that are just as cute and affordable.

Have a great Sunday evening and happy back to school shopping to those of you who will be tackling this soon.