May 31, 1992. The day I lost my mother. My, how time does fly. How could it have been 17 years ago when it still feels like it happened yesterday? I will never forget sitting in a chair in the living room of my mother's apartment watching the paramedics carry her from her bedroom into the living room to be placed on a stretcher. I will never forget my family sneaking me into my mother's hospital room and sometimes having to argue with the nurses "this is her daughter, she needs to be with her mother". Rules are rules, no children allowed on certain floors, but I always got in. I will never forget the pain on my grandmother's face and the tears in her eyes as she came out to the waiting room and simply said, "she's gone". As I sat on my aunt's lap, I didn't know what that meant. I was only 8 years old. I didn't know the pain and tears that my grandmother had that day were the expression of a mother's loss of her first born, and I didn't know that I too, would feel similar pain, that would be shown in expressions of my own.

I will never forget the small funeral home that held my mother's body. The little place that sat right on the outskirts of my hood. I will always remember walking from my house to that little place and sitting with my mother as she lay in her casket. I will never forget the chill of her hand as I stroked a scar that lay there. What I do not remember is the warmth of her breath, the sound of her voice or the happiness of her laughter. I can't even remember the smell of her fragrance. Perhaps 8 years old was too young for me to know that I should tuck these things away deep in my memory. Perhaps I did tuck them deeply away and pain does not allow me to retrieve them. I don't really know, I just know that I do not have access to them anymore and I wish that I still did.

Unless you have lost a parent as a young child you could never understand that experience. Its not the same experience as growing up with an absent parent. With an absent parent, there is always the possibility of that parent's return. No, the death of a parent is truly a life changing experience, on so many different levels, and it is one of those events in life that shape your very existence. Or at least, it has truly shaped mine. As a child, I questioned God daily about why my mother wasn't allowed to exist. About why "I" had to be drastically different than every other 8 year old that I knew. I can't say that I got an answer to that question, but I did gain more understanding over the years about the time that my mother did exist.

Although I have been missing and grieving my mother for 17 whole years, in a way she is still with me. After her death her energy was still with me for a while. Her cigarette smoke would surround me, my touch-lamp would flicker. But then those things stopped and I felt that she had left me indefinitely. Indefinitely, until her cigarette smoke surrounded me again during a lecture at Cal, and nine months later I gave birth to a little girl, on the same date that my mother was buried.

Time flies, wounds remain fresh...

I was over at Cheaper than Therapy and Jen had a meme that I just couldn't pass up. So, enjoy and feel free to play along if you dare.


A
• Are you available? We just had to start here didn't we. I appear to be available, but actually, there is a certain someone in the background.

• What is your age? In a Dave Chappelle voice: I just celebrated my 20-fiiiiiiiif!

• What annoys you? This damn stye that's in my eye right now.

B
• Do you know anyone named Billy? I know an extremely lovely Billy.

• When is your birthday? 4/20.

• Who is your best friend? Those who have so much information on me that if they weren't best friends then I'd have to kill them.

C
• What's your favorite candy? The big Sam's Club bucket of Laffy Taffy's sitting in my room wins hands down.

• Crush? Well, there was that one professor that I use to fantasize about, until he brought his adorable daughter to class one day and told us his WIFE had to work.

• When was the last time you cried? Last week when I finally saw pictures of my Ex's little girl.

D
• Do you daydream? I wouldn't make it through the day if I wasn't able to.

• What's your favorite kind of dog? The cutest kind.

• What day of the week is it? Its Monday and I really wouldn't mind if it was Friday.

E
• How do you like your eggs? They have to be scrambled. I don't play when it comes to my eggs!

• Have you ever been in the emergency room? Yep, when I thought Miss J was gonna scratch her itchy skin off... gotta love that initial first rash of eczema.

• Ever pet an elephant? Yep, a long time ago, when I was a wee little girl, at the circus with my aunt.

F
• Do you use fly swatters? No need to, I never open my doors so those little nasty suckers never get in.

• Have you ever used a foghorn? Can't say that I have, but if I had my way, I'd have one implanted in the head of Miss J's dad and keep my finger on the panic button!

• Is there a fan in your room? Oh yeah. Even when its not hot I still have to have a little cool air hitting my face and feet when I'm in bed.

G
• Do you chew gum? Periodically... especially when I am about to take a written test.

• Do you like gummy candies? Yes, I'm known to have quite the stash of worms in the summer time.

• Do you like gory movies? I love a little gore. Nothing like a little blood and guts to end the night.

H
• How are you? I'd be cool if I could get a good night's sleep for a change, finish these god-damned papers, and then get in my car and drive until I run outta money for gas. How are you?

• What's your height?. 5'1, which comes in very handy ::wink wink::

• What color is your hair? I'm a natural dark brown.

I
• What's your favorite ice cream? OMG, I just got chills. Ice cream is my ultimate drug of choice, in Cookies N Cream please.

• Have you ever ice skated? Unfortunately I can't roller skate, or roller blade, so ice skating has been out of the question.

• Ever been in an igloo? Not yet... hey, are the beds there made of ice?

J
• What's your favorite Jelly Bean? Anything sweet, I'm not that much of a Jelly Bean fiend. Although, the Jelly Bean Factor does happen to be very very cool.

• Have you ever heard a really hilarious joke? Every single day!

• Do you wear jewelry? I do when I am going out somewhere special. Other than that, a pair of earrings is all I need.

K
• Do you know Karate? Yes I do! Four belts away from my black belt thank you very much.

• Have you ever flown a kite? Not that I recall.

• Do you think kangaroos are cute? Yes, until they start a fight.

L
• Are you laidback? Hella laid back is more like it. I secretly can't stand people who have too much energy and always gotta be out somewhere being seen.

• Lions or Tigers? Both, as long as they don't try to eat me.

• Do you like black licorice? That would be a NO! That is the nastiest candy EVER!!

M
• Favorite movie as a kid? The Land Before Time. I remember it being hella sad, but for some reason I was always game to watch it.

• Ever shopped at Moosejaw? What's that??

• Favorite store at the mall? The Children's Place... I know, I'm sad.


N
• Do you have a nickname? A bunch of em'. Let's see, I've been BoBo, Nee Nee, Nee Nee Boo, Barb, Babs, Brenda (don't ask!), Chinese Chocolate (don't ask, again), Chief, Mami, and Bar B.

• Whats your favorite number? 20.

• Do you prefer night or day? I think I'm more of a day person.

O
• What's your one wish? To find happiness.

• Are you an only child? Yes I am... well, I have a sister that my dad told me about when I was TEN! But I haven't seen her in years so yeah, I still consider myself an only child.

• Do you like the color orange? As long as its not on my teeth.

P
• What are you most paranoid about? Failing as a human being.

• Piercings? I have my ears and belly button pierced. Before its all said and done, I can see myself with at least one nipple piercing.

• Do you know anyone named Penelope? Nope, you've got me there.

Q
• Are you quick to judge people? Uh huh, especially if I initially find them annoying.

• Do you like Quaker Oats? No, no, no. Since pregnancy, no more oats for me.

• Know anyone that makes quilts? I think my grandma use to make them.

• Do you think you're always right? Not at all. I have enough sense to know that nobody is always right.

R
• Do you watch reality TV? A very selected few. I can't really handle them. They make me wanna send anthrax in the mail addressed to the producers.

• Best Rock Band of all time? Aerosmith <----- ok, I'm gonna agree with Jen on this one.

S
• Do you prefer sun or rain? I prefer sun when there has been too much rain and I prefer rain when I don't have to be walking out in it.

• Do you like snow? Although I have only physically experienced snow once in my life, You can put me down as a snow lover.

• What's your favorite season? Fall. Beautiful leaves, minimal allergies, a cool breeze... bring it on.

T
• What time is it? 9:23PM

• What time did you wake up? 9:50AM

U
• Can you ride a unicycle? Never been interested in trying. I'm pretty sure with my unpredictable balance these days I wouldn't be much good at it.

• Do you know anyone with a unibrow? LOL, uh huh.

• Uncles do you have? Is it ok if I don't count one of the son's that my grandmother had??

V
• What’s the worst vegetable? I don't really know, I kinda stick to certain ones and those are the one's that I like, so...

• Did you ever watch Veggie Tales? No, but maybe Miss J has?

• Ever considered being vegan? I think I'd die.

W
• What's your worst habit? Raising my eyebrown like The Rock when someone has gotten on my last nerve.

• Do you like water rides? I would if I could swim.

• Ever been inside a windmill? You can get inside of a windmill??

X
• Have you ever had an x-ray? Only at the dentist.

• Ever used a Xerox machine? All the time at my last job.

Y
• Do you like the color yellow? As long as its not a neon yellow. Yellow happens to be the color of my favorite flower.

• What year were you born? I'm an 80's baby... let's party like its 1984!

• Do you yell when you're angry? Is there any other way to express yourself when you're angry?

Z
• Do you believe in the zodiac? The killer or the sign?

• What's your zodiac sign? I go both ways... Aries and Taurus

• What do you think of when you hear the word Zero? Free.

Today, grills will go ablaze, laughter will fill the air, and memories of loved ones lost will take hold. I will journey into the courtyard and be welcomed by familiar faces, then return hours later bathed in mesquite aroma and rather lethargic. May the same happen for you on this beautiful day.

My writing mojo!

Where the hell has it escaped to? And when did this happen? And more importantly, WHY is this happening? And even more importantly than that, WHY RIGHT NOW??!!??

Ok, so I was suppose to do a mid-semester paper, way back during the mid-semester, and um... I couldn't make it come together the way it should have. I mean, it wasn't even a big deal. Just a little write up, that should have been enjoyable. Talking all about how those little Mcdonald's Happy Meal toys are the root of all gendered evil. But nooooo, my brain shut off and all of a sudden I had nothing but an idea trapped inside. And then there was the final paper for the same class that I have yet to finish...

Anybody noticing an aweful pattern here??

First, I had a problem producing my thesis and now I'm having problems with the small stuff. What the hell is my problem?? Its not senioritis, or solely procrastination, or lack of interest, or even lack of real motivation or drive. Its something else. Something internal that I can't quite put my finger on. What I am certain of, is that this is a big problem. One that almost caused me not to attend my last graduation celebration because I started in on myself pretty hard with an internal ass kicking, and mental verbal lashing about how I didn't really deserve to be celebrating as a graduate because I hadn't even completed my final two assignments of the semester. Sigh...

Have you ever had writer's block on a piece that should be extremely simple? Have you ever had writer's breakdown on a piece that should be extremely simple? Should I take a day or two to unwind and reset my brain?

The funny thing is that I have been "dreaming" about completing tasks only to awake and realize that I ain't done shit! Stop laughing! I honestly don't have a clue as to why I am having such a difficult time writing these days. Its not just with things that have deadlines, it carries over to blogging too. If I haven't gotten a paper in on time then guilt keeps me from blogging when I want to... and sometimes I just can't put my thoughts in an order that would make sense to you when you read it. Again... sigh.

I'm sure I'll get it all figured out and come through at the last possible second as always. Or... could it be that my writer's mojo has fled and will not return? I've never been without it for this long, under these kinds of circumstances. Pray with me that it returns by next week. Until then...

Here's a picture of me at the Transfer, Reentry and Student Parent Graduation celebration (that I almost didn't go to). I got a certificate for my achievement of graduation and one of recognition for my service to the TRSP center.

1. Moving forward sounds so easy to do, but anyone who has ever traveled the road of transition knows its challenges and difficulties well.

2. I wish spring time, like winter, could be allergy free.

3. My best quality is my warm heart.

4. Ok, give me ALL the details.

5. In nearly 10 years, I will be paying for driver's ed and dreading the moment my little Miss J tells me that she is interested in the cute boy down the street, or the cute boy in her class or the cute boy somewhere else.... or perhaps the cute girl.

6. To get my ish together and find my writer's mojo is what I need right now!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to trying not to feel sorry for myself as I stare into a blank page on my computer wishing the right words will appear, tomorrow my plans include spending some quality time with Miss J and Sunday, I want to carve out a little me time for myself!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

I'm black and I'm proud...

1. If we had no winter I would probably spend the majority of my time sneezing.

2. My ability to manage to get lost, even when I have adequate directions is a perpetual astonishment.

3. If I had my life to live over, every moment lived would be lived in pure happiness.

4. Soooo, was I suppose to do something inside of four and twenty hours?

5. If you've never been thrilled you need to seriously choose better friends.

6. To be interested in the changing seasons would be considered meteorology or something like that.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to playing with my new phone IF UPS doesn't take ALL DAY to deliver it, tomorrow my plans include doing Black Grad and Sunday, I want to crash, but I'll probably be reading all day and all night so I can write these final two papers of the semester!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

Warning: Be prepared to become sick and tired of saying "congratulations" because this is only ceremony #2 of 4!

I consider this to be a snap shot of my accomplishments while at Cal. Yes, my department is missing, and its not because I don't consider earning a degree in Gender & Women's Studies an accomplishment, I just needed to highlight the areas of my life at Cal that meant the very most to me.

SPARR is the acronym for the Student Parent Association for Recruitment and Retention, of which I am a member and would not have survived as a student parent without. This organization is absolutely vital for parents on our campus and the wealth of information, resources, connections, support networks, food and just about anything else you can think of is incredible! Its not just an organization within an institution. Its more like a family of people who know your struggle, within an institution that often does not. So, to represent SPARR and my student parent family on my stole was a no-brainer.

Then there is the Incentive Awards Scholarship, which presented me with this stole the other night at our graduation celebration dinner. They are the very reason that I came to Cal. The UC system wasn't even on my list of possibilities. I had my little heart set on going to Cal State Long Beach (due to my infatuation with Snoop Dog) or another school that had a good journalism undergrad program. All that changed when I was nominated and won a full academic ride to Cal. 7 years later, here I am, an Incentive Awards Scholarship alumni... an Incentive Awards Scholar.

And no accomplishment is greater than the one I made on June 5th 2003, and again in January of 2004. The day that I gave birth to my little Baby Bear, and the day that I returned to Cal with that Baby Bear as a re-admit student (parent). She has grown up in the university and aside from getting that degree in the mail once all of my work has been completed, she is, without a doubt, my greatest achievement while at Cal.

To participate in Shutter Click & Chat Sundays visit Tea N Honey Bread.

Mama,

I love, miss, and still long for you.

If only I could remember what your voice sounded like when you used to call me by my nickname,
If only I could remember what your laughter sounded like when we used to play the Nintendo,
If only I could remember what your skin smelled like when we used to lay in your bed together,
If only I could take one more late night trip with you to the store for corn dogs and fudge brownies,
If only you could be here to do all of those things, and so much more with your granddaughter...

For now, I will cherish what I do remember about you,

Like, the way you held my hand as we walked to school in the mornings,
Like, the way you passed down your intelligence and beauty to me,
Like, the way you made sure that I would be taken care of,
Like, the way your hand felt when I said my final goodbye,
Like, the way you loved me more than you loved yourself.

17 years and counting... I love, miss and still long for you.

Love,
Your BoBo

1. Apples are to oranges as common sense is to stupidity.

2. I like the idea of transcending categories and adopting the notion that we are many selves, and that's all I have to say about that.

3. I think I hear some baby making music.

4. Its a bird, its a plane, its a... flag.

5. Do what you want to do, but don't come running back over here crying when you fall off of there and damn near break your neck.

6. He was dressed in overalls, and behind him was a Radio Flyer wagon; in the wagon was a bucket filled with pink hearts and colorful butterflies because that's just how he liked to roll.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finishing a paper and emailing it to my professor, tomorrow my plans include taking Miss J to ANOTHER birthday party and then going to a friend's housewarming party and then making said friend take pictures of me in my cap & gown and Sunday, I want to pass out in my bed, but instead I will be making potato salad and yams to take over to grandma's for a Mother's Day dinner!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

And look who found a friend...

I couldn't resist getting in on the...

So...

Pre-baby, pre-college study, pre-big chop.

My prom was quite interesting. The dj seemed to play certain genres of songs in waves that caused all the Mexican students to dance at one time and then return to their seats while the Blacks and Asians danced to the rap and R&B. It was really weird since we didn't go into the event or socialize in school in segregated groups. It was almost as if the dj did it on purpose, which made him and our prom, as a whole, pretty darn wack.

For my friends and I, there wasn't much fuss over finding dates to the prom. We were all going as a group to begin with so we all just partied together. I did ask a really good friend at the time to accompany me though, and he ended up being the oldest date there, making him a bit of a prom veteran. Especially since my prom was the second he'd gone to that prom season. I did all of my preparations the same day and me and said date had to hall ass to my friend's house or be left behind by the limo driver. Not to mention we all had to hide our male companions from the mother of another friend who was being dropped off because... well, it just wasn't ok for a Pakistani girl to be even thinking about boys, much less riding in a limo, going to a dance and staying out half the night with 3 of them!

It wasn't a total loss though. I got to get all dressed up in a little asymmetrical black dress, silk my hair out, take pictures, talk about and chuckle at all the popular girls that always walked around like they were the sh*t, and share the night with my closest friends.


To participate in Shutter Click & Chat Sundays visit Tea N Honey Bread.

1. The first rule of working in an office and getting along is patience, which I definitely had to work on when I was "working in an office".

2. I have yet to try clams.

3. When I think of carnivals I think of high priced games that I never win and the most enjoyable rides ever.

4. Since flowers and grass make me cry in springtime, I can't say which is my favorite spring flower.

5. Things on my desk include an all-in-one printer and pictures of my little Miss J.

6. Hearing African drum beats makes me wanna get up and shake my shimmy.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to falling asleep while reading about street children, tomorrow my plans include taking Miss J to a birthday party and Sunday, I want to join in on the fun at a friend's baby shower!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.