In my last post, those of you who commented seemed to find a happiness radiating from my words. That's cool.

Execumama said, "Your Happy just spilled right on through, and I am now reminding Self that feeling good is a CHOICE, and I choose it!" That's cool too.

Truth is. I'm not happy. Not even a little bit. And even my momentary contentment is a facade, because once back indoors, out from under the spotlight of expectation, that "Happy" mask gets taken off and thrown against the wall, falls to the floor, where it lies in tiny shattered pieces, until I am forced to have to try to piece it back together again to face another day. Forced to wear it in order to make the people around me feel more comfortable, because people don't have the energy and patience to understand. Yes, by no means is it easy to deal, to put up with, to give attention to someone who is always unhappy, and by no means do those of us who battle various mental illnesses and conflicts within ourselves that churn the waters of our unhappiness, expect family, friends, peers and lovers to deal with, to put up with, to give attention to our shit 100% of the time. However, it would mean a world of difference to just be understood.

I've found myself incredibly exhausted, run down and resentful. My back and shoulders no longer stand erect, and sometimes, I can't keep my head from hanging low. My spine curves under the pressure to "make it", to measure up, to not disappoint, to be everything I was suppose to be (which is funny because there are times when I don't even know who I really am). Its also funny how people are always saying stuff like, "you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink." I guess putting the water into a bowl and raising it to the horse's mouth so that he may drink isn't an option. Its just not understood that some people have been fighting so hard and for so long that they just don't have any fight left in them. What happens to those people? Why is that concept so taboo? Instead of viewing those people as unwilling to help themselves, perhaps its more productive to ask yourself what lies beneath.

Its where I'm at. I literally don't have any fight left in me and I'm resentful. Resentful that I have to go at this all alone. Not just in terms of raising my child, but in terms of life in general. I am going at life alone. Yes, I just gusted about the amazing women around me, and part of the reason they are so amazing is their ability to understand, however, we are all in this rat race to measure up to society's rules and even women in their 30s and 40s are still working toward beating the odds; working toward proving themselves to people who are looking for them to fail. I am resentful that I've sacrificed a great deal and am not reaping the benefits. I am resentful that in 4 days me and my child will be homeless. I am resentful that my great-grandmother didn't consider putting me up for adoption after my mother died so that maybe I would have had a chance of experiencing the simple joy of having parents, a real family. I am resentful, that at 25, my life resembles that of someone who has about 2 or 3 decades on me. These should not be the experiences of a 25 year old. But yet they are. They are all mine. Alone.

Why does the older generation think they know more than their doctors do?

How come they have a hard time realizing that, although they have spent way more time with and in their bodies than any one doctor has, they still don't know EVERYTHING about it nor have ALL the tools to keep it functioning for as long as possible?

Now, before you start in on me about how our mothers and grandmothers have earned the right to be stuck in their ways, let me just say, having been raised by my great-grandmother, I know that already. Doesn't mean I will ever fully understand it. And don't front, you wont either!

My grandmother has this thing about keeping secrets. "I thought I told you", she says. "YES I DID TELL YOU", she insists. "I thought I did", she realizes. And when I ask her how she's feeling, "Oh, I'm here. I wont complain", she responds. Grrr. Extremely frustrating because that tells me absolutely nothing of importance. Its the "not complaining" that lands our mothers and grandmother and fathers and grandfathers fighting for their lives from illnesses too far gone.

It was only last week that my grandmother confessed that her doctors had "found something" on her EKG. And it was only last week that she told me that she had not only spent days in bed because of a cold, but also because she had been having chest pains. And before this, she had taken her own sweet time telling me that she was now a diabetic, because, in her opinion she really wasn't. The doctors had gotten it wrong. She "wasn't gonna be takin' no more medicine", just like she doesn't take her daily blood pressure medicine because she doesn't want to. I swear, old people can be worse than kids sometimes! Yeah, I said it, because its the truth! They DO NOT wanna listen, or do what they are told, because they know everything.

Well, I threatened to administer her meds if she doesn't get some get right! And I reminded her that people drop from heart attacks all the time. And that when they do drop, you only have a window of time to save lives. She's already survived fibroid tumors that overtook her reproductive organs. She's already survived a brain tumor. So if she thinks she's gonna fuck around and have a heart attack and die on me, she has another thing coming. I will channel my great-grandmother and put foot in her behind first!

I sooo can't believe I just did this! I made a scarf. And not just any scarf. But a granny square scarf - a baby square scarf - for my baby! Yay me! I hadn't even set out to try this scarf when I pulled out the yarn. The plan was to get started on another blanket for my shop, but then I started thinking about Miss J asking me if I could make her another blanket this morning, and since I really don't know when I will get around to doing that, I decided that maybe I'd try making her a scarf instead. A little something to match her coat since I had some pink yarn left over from the blanket I made her.


Its definitely NOT the best. Shoot, I had to research youtube videos to figure out how to put the squares together, and discovered that I didn't even need the yarn needle that I bought to do it. As simple as the technique looked, I still managed to stitch the squares in the wrong places, causing me to start over several times, and it wouldn't be that far fetched if this scarf didn't stay in one piece!


Time for me to start perfecting my granny square attachment skills, because, after I put these photos up on Facebook, I got an inquiry order! Yikes! I don't even have a price in mind. These aren't even part of my shop... yet. I can barely keep the squares together, remember??

Crochet challenge #1. Bring it on!

Its a little hard to put into words the experience of growing up in North Richmond, just one of the neighborhoods in the city where drugs and crime have the upper hand. I remember being almost immune to the sound of gunshots because they were so common. I also remember having to walk the same sidewalk where a woman's brains had been splattered the night before, on my way to get the bus to school. And then, there was that time when there was a drive-by on my street, where several people were gunned down, at 7:30 in the morning while kids were heading to the bus stop for school. I would have been amongst those gunned down had I not already been at school because I had an early class that year. Heavy experiences for youth and everyone else who desired to live in peace.

If I said that the killing of this young mother was a surprise I'd be lying. The entire city has a reputation. Just this past Sunday, a couple of guys actually walked into a church in Richmond and opened fire. A church! Luckily, nobody died, but two people were hit, this time the intended targets. Its pure senseless madness, and it has me wondering, what will come of us? Us as people who still live in neighborhoods like this. Us as people who want to go back to our neighborhoods bearing resources. Us as a people. Period. Do you have any idea how much of a challenge it is to rise above these kinds of conditions? When you are living in the middle of a war zone and every direction points in, instead of out?

I just really feel for this woman's children. In a split second, two children were left without their mother, and a baby will never get to take its first breath.

Below is a song by a couple of friends of mine who go by the name The Wryters. They give a little account of what its like growing up in Richmond from the perspective of young black men. Take a listen.

Before today, I fantasized about spending the entire day pampering myself in preparation for a romantic evening. And then I fantasized about a lunch date, where my little girl would stuff her face full of cheese and olive pizza, and another little girl would be sitting across the table from me, on her daddy's lap, getting help with her slices, and my little girl and his little girl would then join hands and run off to play in the kiddie area of the pizza parlor.

Instead, I pulled myself outta bed, cleaned and packed up some more things before getting myself and Miss J dressed, then surprised her with a little gift.

She pulled out the contents of the bag, then went back for the card.


She read the card and then burst into laughter.


And contemplated which side of her Princess and the Frog nightgown she would wear tonight.


And while I put on my makeup, she read all about how Marley the dog kept getting into all kinds of trouble. We had a table for two at McDonald's, where she ran into a little guy from school that she plays football with everyday.

Yes, instead of being sad about a lack of romance, I decided to make today all about my daughter's happiness. I'm blessed enough to know exactly what she likes, so her smiles are always abundant. Today was no exception. The perfect gift, the perfect meal... all for the perfect little person who appreciates me the most.

My feet are burning. My back is aching. My home has been broken down and nearly packed up. My spirits are low... It just hasn't been a good week. I'm relieved to be making progress on my move, but it, paired with job search has drained me. I was disappointed this week by a faulty position that I had applied for. Everything looked great in print, but was everything but great in reality. My time was completely wasted and now its back to the drawing board. I'm beginning to lose hope that I will find anything that is right for me. Suddenly the echo of voices plays over and over in my head... I'm staying in school for as long as I can because there are no jobs out there... You should petition for another semester because its gonna be hard to find a job right now...

I try to look at the glass as half full, but can't help but see it as half empty. In my world, the glass is definitely half empty. All this stress is taking its toll.

1. Pickles used to be one of my favorite things to eat when I was younger.

2. I have 2 more weeks to be at home.

3. The snow is non-existent where I live.

4. Beauty can always be found in nature.

5. It's 5:16 PM; that means I'll be catching the last bit of the news before picking up Miss J from her after-school program.

6. Sometimes, peace is hard to find.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having a couple of drinks and fantasizing while looking over some adult products with some friends, tomorrow my plans include taking the first round of stuff over to my storage unit and Sunday, I want to resist the urge to be bitter!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click --->here<----

I officially started the task of dismantling my home today. A place where I have been raising my daughter for the past 6 years. 7 boxes in and still not a hint of sadness. Even though the best of my friends - my family - reside here, and Miss J's friends - her family - reside here, the time has come for us to move on. The fact that some of said friends/family are also moving on has made this process easier for Miss J, because now, its not us who are moving away and leaving everyone behind, but a time of transition for many; she is able to see that this is a time that will come up for everyone who lives here.

I can not truthfully say that I am delighted to be leaving this home to move into my grandmother's, but its the option that a single mother without a job has. Either that or settling down in a shelter, which in some aspects would be a helluva lot better than moving to my grandmother's. At least there are beds in shelters. Anyways... I wont go there, I'll just say that I am trying to look on the bright side and let the cards fall where they may.

I was offered a position to become part of a company's online staff. I am in the process of completing the steps to accept the offer. During my time in school, I would have LOVED the opportunity to be able to work from home. Now, the opportunity has presented itself just as my home office is relocating to storage. Hopefully, should I become a part of the online staff, I will be able to set up shop at my grandmother's... and speaking of shop, I am also hoping that I will be able to carve out a space that is comfortable enough that I am still motivated to crochet. I am on a mission with my blankets and I don't wanna be detoured. I have business cards coming =).

So, I spotted Maria and Renee doing this, and they explained that momspotting is a whole journalism BlogHer thing, and has something to do with a group of moms tweeting 3 times a day on Twitter about the ways that technology is used in everyday life or something like that. I wouldn't know exactly because I don't do Twitter. I could NOT possibly add one more social media outlet to my day nor do I find Twitter interesting enough for me to drink the kool-aid, BUT, its pretty hard to pass up a good meme. Both Maria and Renee encouraged non-momspotters to join in on the meme fun, so here we go...

1. Which expensive electronic device do you most often let your older children abuse or your baby drool on?

Hmmm... I don't own many expensive electronic devices because poor people don't spend their money on such things, BUT, I do have a Macbook that my daughter likes to play computer games on. I allow her to visit her favorite kid appropriate websites to play the games whenever I am not hogging it all to myself.

2. How many take-out restaurant numbers do you have programmed into your phone?

I know you wouldn't exactly consider Dominos Pizza to be take-out, but its our source when I don't feel like cooking or driving.

3.How many hours of television do you so totally not let your kids watch a week?

I so totally don't keep track, especially on the weekends! I let her watch a couple of shows after school as a way of unwinding before we start on homework, and when it comes to the weekends, if we are staying in, it could easily be a movie day. Luckily, she isn't interested in only watching tv. She prefers movement and change, so she will alternate her movies for play or play while watching.

4.Do you think people who say “we don’t watch television” at playdates but really mean “we just watch DVDs” are lying liars from Liarville?

Whatever floats your boat. I know I couldn't survive a playdate without a tv show or a movie as an option. I guess it all depends on what time of day the playdate takes place; if its raining outside.

5.How many miles have you driven with your child and not one device of electronic entertainment in a single car trip?

About 734. We took a road trip to Arizona and she slept the entire way there, however, on the way back she did watch a movie on a portable dvd player that a friend told me was gonna be a must on the trip. She could have survived without it.

6.What’s your record for calls to the pediatrician or Ask-a-Nurse in a single day?

Probably just 1. I never did or currently do much calling. Now, if the question was "what's your record for calls to grandma in a single day" we'd have something to really talk about.

7.What’s the sexiest thing your husband/partner could text you after a hard day?

I'll help the baby with her homework, get her fed, put her to bed... every night for a month!

8.What’s your favorite iPad joke?

You know, I haven't heard any, but a friend of mine did have an Apple inspired joke the other day. Since her husband likes to play games on his iPhone during their quality time together, she said, " I just wanna tell him, if you don't put that phone down, I'm gonna shove it so far up your ass you're gonna iCrap!"

9.What’s the dumbest parenting tool, gear, gadget or device you ever bought?

I think all of my gadgets have been pretty needed. Well, maybe except for the baby monitor I bought. I didn't even get it for the monitoring, but because it projected an image on the wall while playing music. Great, right? Until Miss J reached over the side of the crib and slapped it off the dresser, breaking the bulb... no more lights, no more projection.

10.How many years will it take for your child to become more tech-savvy than you?

Her accurate use of the word Wi-Fi tells me that it probably wouldn't be too far into the future.

Being a blogger opens up so many different avenues. From networking opportunities to possibilities of seeing the world through different eyes. Most of all, blogging has afforded me the opportunity to make friends and to both inspire and be inspired by words that create change. I am never uninspired by my friend Tameka of the blog Tea & Honey Bread. Her way with words, her beautiful art and jewelry - reminding me that I am never lost in the taupes, or alone as a loner.

As a blogger she has reached a milestone: 500+ blog spots and 200+ followers! To celebrate these awesome accomplishments, she is hosting a Reader Appreciation Giveaway over on her blog. You are gonna wanna check her out and enter her giveaway.

To find out more and enter, click --->here<---

Dear Mom,

Today I lied to (insert teacher's name) and told her I was an Early Bird. I went to (insert after school program) instead of going back to class. I did it because I don't like being a Late Bird. I'm sorry I won't do it again.

Love,
Jalia