"Why do you hate me so much", he asked. I get chills each time he asks me that. "I've told you a million times why, but you never listen", I reply.

He tells me that I am living in the past, and that "we" need to get past "the past".

Oh really? Get past "the past", huh? Isn't the number 1 requirement for transcending the past acknowledgment of it? And you don't just "get past" the past. You grow and evolve because of it. You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been...

My personal pain has reached a red alert. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that, in order for me to find true happiness and peace, I am gonna have to just pick up and go. There was a time when my whole family was in one place. Very centered. Now, only a few of us remain, merely existing, not living. Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of environment, a change of support networks, a new start, is just the right push to begin the process of living again.

I told Miss J's dad that he should start to enjoy his time with his daughter because this is the last year that we'll be around. He took that to mean that my life's mission is to take his child away from him. That, not only am I milking him for child support, that now I want to escape with his investment. So, he informed me that he has a lawyer, and that he will "put the plan in motion" so that I can't leave California if he has to. I guess that would also mean no to a name change. I don't see it as having much to do with the baby at all, but everything to do with his need to have a level of control over me, since he also said that he has no problem with me going where ever my degree leads me. If I relocate for a better opportunity, doesn't that involve taking my child with me? Aren't planes, trains and automobiles still adequate modes of travel? So, at what point would Miss J be kept away from him? And if he does feel the need to "put his plan in motion", does he think that the judge will only hear his side of the story? Does he think the court will not want to take his character, his past, his present, into consideration when trying to establish whether or not we should share custody of our daughter? No, according to him, since I will have my degree, I will be making more money than him, and when he gets joint custody I will have to pay him support, instead of him paying me support. Wow.

This entire situation is like a really bad nightmare... more like a night-terror that just keeps replaying itself over and over. I constantly examine the past, looking for clues to the red flags. Where did I go blind? Unaware of other women before and after baby, rape, STIs, mental abuse, 3 more children with 2 more women (whom I've never met), siblings that are too many for my daughter to keep up with. How did 1 man gain the ability to have a lasting negative effect on my life? How could he have been a part of my life for 5 years before baby and then totally flip the script on my ass after baby? Walking away from the situation all together before the staples were removed from my belly.

I just want the pain to stop. I want him to be a distant memory. I want the mental torment to stop. I want him to stop trying to break me. To stop envying my pending success. To stop sexually harrassing me. To stop threatening me. To stop making my child love him when he knows that he doesn't really have time to be the kind of father that she deserves. To stop having more children so that maybe he could have the time to be the father that his children deserve... I want to run. No forwarding address. No number in service. Without a trace.

I could have gotten a restraining order a long time ago. I could have gone to court and faught for full custody a long time ago. Why didn't I? Its simple. I don't trust the law. It isn't set up to work for women and children in cases of physical and sexual abuse, not to mention mental abuse. Because as I was told by the police, "if he hasn't hit you then there isn't anything we can do", "you will have to get him to confess", "unless he harms the child or puts the child in danger, there isn't anything we can do", "there wasn't enough evidence in the rape kit, so there isn't a case". Why the fuck would I trust the law to see that he is not in the best interest of my child? To an outsider, all of this looks like the problem is strictly between the two of us, and that Miss J is just caught in the middle of a bunch of bitterness, but like I've said before, it goes much deeper than that. He took something away from me that can't be replaced. He changed my life in such a way that I am now stagnant. He stripped me of my agency. He has it all now. I want it back and that wont happen if I stay here.

Right now, I am trying to not focus solely on this as I have a list of other things to focus on. I'll have to just cross whatever bridges along the journey when I come to them.

I thank those of you who have commented and who might comment in the future on my last post. The level of gratitude that I have for your love, support, shared experiences and advice can not be expressed in words. So, please know that I highly appreciate your points of view and I appreciate you, period.

I realize that I probably sound a bit like one of those women scorned, who is all too eager to pull the plug on a blossoming father/daughter relationship. You know, the women who grab the child and hauls ass when things don't work out between her and the father, forbidding him to come near. I want to assure you that I AM NOT THAT WOMAN. I am not headed to the Maury Provich show no time soon... perhaps Montell, but never Maury. All kidding aside though, the situation really goes a lot deeper than that. I know that conversations about hair and personal decisions to abuse or not abuse drugs seem petty and not even worth the fire, but actually, these are part of the fuel. I feel the need to place all of the madness in this triangle into context so that you might better understand why I react and say the things that I do.

I'd like to just share an email that I sent to one of you in response to that post. I am not looking to portray my life and Miss J's as completely dysfunctional and unhealthy, I am looking for release. We all have issues and her dad just happens to be one of my many, lol. Oh yeah, I did say that all kidding was aside. Sorry. The fact that I can come here and vent keeps me half way sane, my daughter happy, her father alive and me earning a degree instead of doing time for murder. No, seriously!


Yeah, I too have had my share of longing for my dad, who spent the majority of his life, and mine, in jail. My parents never divorced, but he sure as hell was never around. I knew him through cards and letters. He was a talented artist and I enjoyed and saved every card that he ever sent. I had shoe boxes full. When my mother died he was in jail... I always feared that he would die in jail and be buried in the prison grave yard without me knowing. He was HIV positive and also had cancer. Luckily (for me) that didn't happen. He was out of jail last year, living in a half way house with failing health. He died last September in a hospital without anyone by his side. It was difficult for me because I didn't get the chance to say good-by, just as I had not gotten the chance to tell my mother good-by. My aunt revealed to me that he felt that it was too late for us to have a relationship because he had fucked up. Pissed his life away in jail and now his life was coming to an end. I wish he wouldn't have felt that way because although I never bit my tongue about the ways that he and his family failed me, he knew that I loved him and that no matter what happened and how much time had passed that I would always be there to accept him. We never got the opportunity to build a real relationship, but we did make a certain level of peace.

As for Miss J's dad, there is a certain level of history there that can't be repaired for anyone's sake. I don't want it to seem like I am jumping to conclusions just because he isn't perfect. Its deeper than that. I go above and beyond to keep the opportunity for them to build a relationship open. I suffer, so that I can provide what everyone keeps telling me is ideal for my daughter. A few years ago, her dad raped me, for which he claims to have no memory of doing, and since there was not enough evidence from the rape kit (or so I was told) he was never convicted of anything. Never even charged, just merely questioned. The ball was dropped by the DA in my case and things fell apart. So, I went through, and still go through, periods of feeling as if it was my fault, feeling that if I had not tried so hard to keep him in her life and make a happy home where there just wasn't meant to be one that he never would have had the opportunity to rape me, feeling as if I should have never even reported it, feeling as if I should just forget about it like he has and just make myself believe that it never happened. Because at least then, my suffering would no longer have to fall on deaf ears and I would no longer be internally tormented by memories and what ifs.

I don't care to joined them when they spend time together because I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has no respect for the feelings of others. I communicate to him repeatedly that I don't want to be touched, hugged, propositioned for sex, and still, I am propositioned, and still, I have been slapped on the ass and forced into hugs... all to not make a scene in front of the child. I clearly let the scene slip about the whole "hair" thing. So, I try to keep my distance while providing her the chance to know him, to have him in her life. At the same time, I am super vigilant and extra preventative so the minute I feel something isn't right then its time to create that distance. Its my job to protect her and quite honestly I don't trust him. How can you trust someone who often claims to not remember the things that they do?? The ONLY reason that I allow Miss J to go with him, unsupervised is because 1. there is nothing that will ever happen to her/around her that she will not tell me, my grandma, her aunt, teachers, and anyone else who will listen. That's just her personality and I love it. 2. I don't want to get the courts involved because I don't want to get into any kind of custody battles. I don't trust the law because I was failed and I continue to be failed by justice because my attacker walks free, re-victimizes me on the regular and they say there is nothing they can do about it. Unless he does something physical to me or to her there is nothing they can do under the law.

So, here I am, dealing with the situation as is, and plotting my escape, just as his oldest daughter's mother did, to a new dwelling in possibly a fresh state when I finally graduate. In no way will this be a ploy to keep him from having a relationship with her. Just as he travels to Las Vegas to visit his oldest, he may travel to where ever we settle to visit her. I do believe that he loves her, BUT, it comes at a price for the both of us. Up until a couple of years ago, she was like collateral damage in our relationship. He would tell me that he wanted to spend time with her and when he was allowed into my home he would dismiss her after 10 minutes and start sexually harassing and propositioning me. I made a decisions to take my body back and stop degrading myself just so that my daughter could see her father's face. This was a factor in my rape (which wasn't even the first time). I said no, tried to be free, tried to do what was right, tried to stop a cycle of fatherlessness...but how much am "I" suppose to suffer just to give my child the life that society says is appropriate? What about what I feel is appropriate? For me, safety trumps appropriateness. Prevetative measure trump letting things happen.

There you have it. That's what's up. As Fantasia says, "this is me".

Last night, as I was on the phone listening to my sister in-law L fill me in on the latest drama between her brother and my other sister in-law V, I could feel the wrinkles forming in my forehead, harsh language brewing in the back of my throat and the sudden urge to head an intervention. Why oh why do we women put up with so much wrong doing from the men that we love? More importantly, why oh why do we women put up with so much wrong doing from the men that we love, who are also the father's of our children? Is the idea of having a nuclear family, the idea of keeping the family together, really more important than happiness itself?? And furthermore, even more importantly than that, why oh why are we women still blinded by love??? I know this is a lot to think about right off the bat, especially if you are happily married or in a happy relationship, but it definitely deserves some thought.

I don't know if I should go into details about our conversation, and ironically, this is why I have decided to do it anyway... because I have had enough of the "i'm not getting involved in that" speech. I want to get involved right now because, although sometimes getting involved can cause tension, it can also cause change, save lives and a bunch of other positive outcomes that far outweigh any possible cons.

Apparently my sister in-law V is stuck in an abusive relationship and has been for some time. I guess its hard to see a way out of a love that is over 10 years old and has produced 3 children, two of which are brand new twin girls by the way. However, when this love is quick tempered, frightening, and leaves bruises on your first born, its time for someone to get involved. When you call your sister in-law up to tell her all of the horrible things that her brother is putting you and your babies through and your sister in-law doesn't point you in the direction of the nearest police station, its time for someone ELSE to get involved. I can't even count how many times "I'm not getting in that", "she has to help herself", "I had to leave because I was ready to slap the shit out of him, brother or not!", came out of my sister in-law L's mouth during our conversation. I find it amazing how abuse becomes so normalized in certain communities that people STILL equate "helping" someone to meddling in their business. We really need to wake the hell up and smell the roses before we end up placing those roses on our loved one's grave site.

I don't truly believe that sister in-law V is really "in love". I think that love faded a while ago, but that she is so exhausted and stressed out from having to pour all of her energy into caring for the children and trying to work on a man who isn't fixable, that the words "help me" or "I really want to leave/I really want him to leave" just wont come out of her mouth. And just because she hasn't said the words that means that she wants to continue to suffer the abuse? What then is the meaning behind her frequent phone calls to sister in-law L, crying uncontrollably? What then is the meaning behind her packing up the kids and spending two days at sister in-law L's house? You'd have to either be a fool, very use to abusive situations or just unwilling to recognize a cry for help if you couldn't see that sister in-law V is actually silently begging for someone to get involved.

Since sister in-law L doesn't want to strain her relationship with her brother by standing up to his abusive treatment of a woman who has been up every night for 8 months feeding and tending to two new babies, and of a 4 year old little boy who needs to be loved rather than subjected to name calling and pain, then screw it, sister in-law Bar B will get involved! I could care less if he pitches a fit with me, unlike sister in-law V, I am not in love with him and I don't sit around and take bullshit from men, which is why Miss J.'s dad and I are NOT together. What I do care about is the well-being of my sister in-law, nephew and little nieces. I am still thinking long and hard about the best way of going about this intervention. I think it would be best if I can have a heart to heart with sister in-law V just to let her know that I know what's going on, its not something that she has to remain a part of no matter what anyone else says and that all she has to do is say the word and it can all be over. If she needs any more convincing than that, well then I am prepared for that too. Whatever it takes to prevent a bad outcome.