I need a button that says, "I went to Cal, and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt".

So, its been 2 weeks since we did the big move and I'm still trying to make things happen, primarily work and housing. Its been a total nightmare. The move was a nightmare in itself, and being homeless is an even bigger nightmare. For the art of moving is only technically a "transition" when it results in moving into another home... or moving into something else. It just ain't happenin'. I haven't found any jobs that are the right fit. Right fit meaning: pay, hours, location and of course something I can tolerate doing. It must be something I can at least tolerate because I'm too mentally unstable for bullshit, as if ya'll didn't already know that.

Not enough income leaves us without a place to call home. Grandma took us in, but I'm not comfortable there. She doesn't have enough physical space for us, I'm convinced that she doesn't really want to share the little space she does have, factor in about $70 in gas a week (if I planned on returning after taking Miss J to school), and her kids, again, I'm too mentally unstable to continue there for too much longer. I looked into a local housing program specific to single mothers, but fell $50 short of their income requirement, and the director of the program, while she said she may be able to make an exception, seemed to pass judgment, inquiring as to why it has taken me "so long to finish my academic program". I guess I wasn't aware that 2 extra years, with a child and no help qualified as "so long", but I guess. I refrained from inquiring about her elitist attitude and reminding her that asking stupid questions about my academic program was not a part of the application process. Its always interesting to encounter people when seeking any kind of social service or assistance. You are always viewed as a further drain on an already weakened economy, especially if you are seeking services as a black single mother. The fact that you may have given your blood, sweat and tears to a University, and will probably make a shit load more money than they do one day, never really comes into play... until they blatantly try to railroad you and you have to set them straight.

Needless to say, this is not an enjoyable experience. When I first entered this new state of being, I took a look back at my friend Sharyn's documented homeless experience, which helped me sorta prepare and not feel as shitty. Other things that help me feel like less of a failure are the comforts of knowing that I am not the only one with this particular experience (leaving school and entering a realm of a whole lotta nothin'), and the support of good friends.

To be continued...

My feet are burning. My back is aching. My home has been broken down and nearly packed up. My spirits are low... It just hasn't been a good week. I'm relieved to be making progress on my move, but it, paired with job search has drained me. I was disappointed this week by a faulty position that I had applied for. Everything looked great in print, but was everything but great in reality. My time was completely wasted and now its back to the drawing board. I'm beginning to lose hope that I will find anything that is right for me. Suddenly the echo of voices plays over and over in my head... I'm staying in school for as long as I can because there are no jobs out there... You should petition for another semester because its gonna be hard to find a job right now...

I try to look at the glass as half full, but can't help but see it as half empty. In my world, the glass is definitely half empty. All this stress is taking its toll.

I officially started the task of dismantling my home today. A place where I have been raising my daughter for the past 6 years. 7 boxes in and still not a hint of sadness. Even though the best of my friends - my family - reside here, and Miss J's friends - her family - reside here, the time has come for us to move on. The fact that some of said friends/family are also moving on has made this process easier for Miss J, because now, its not us who are moving away and leaving everyone behind, but a time of transition for many; she is able to see that this is a time that will come up for everyone who lives here.

I can not truthfully say that I am delighted to be leaving this home to move into my grandmother's, but its the option that a single mother without a job has. Either that or settling down in a shelter, which in some aspects would be a helluva lot better than moving to my grandmother's. At least there are beds in shelters. Anyways... I wont go there, I'll just say that I am trying to look on the bright side and let the cards fall where they may.

I was offered a position to become part of a company's online staff. I am in the process of completing the steps to accept the offer. During my time in school, I would have LOVED the opportunity to be able to work from home. Now, the opportunity has presented itself just as my home office is relocating to storage. Hopefully, should I become a part of the online staff, I will be able to set up shop at my grandmother's... and speaking of shop, I am also hoping that I will be able to carve out a space that is comfortable enough that I am still motivated to crochet. I am on a mission with my blankets and I don't wanna be detoured. I have business cards coming =).

I've been waking up and going to bed with my Mac this week. Its like job search madness over here, jumping from screen to screen, this position and that. I'm finding some things that look good, but always looking for 'the next best thing'. I know that I will need to get to work on tackling the list of possibilities soon, and I think I'm almost there. I'm not exactly idly creating a list though, I've been applying for some positions with the state (which in hindsight seems like the dumbest idea EVER since the state of California is still basically on its way to hell!) and have an exam for one position on Monday. They don't call this a "process" for nothing.

Then there is this whole moving thing. I have a month to pack up my house and get to steppin'. As I look around, I keep telling myself that its not gonna be that difficult to get things packed up. That I don't have that much stuff. I'm gonna keep telling myself that as I go through this place doing all the pre-pack work.

Change is on the horizon.

As you all know, I walked it on out back in May. I was in full graduation ceremony mode, participating in like, FOUR of them. I had my department commencement, a scholarship dinner, a commencement for student parents, and I also participated in the commencement for Black graduates. I practically spent the month of May in and out of cap and gown. There were plenty of enjoyable moments from these ceremonies, like when Miss J walked across the stage with me during my department graduation, and when my Cal mommies and I got to celebrate our accomplishments together during our student parent ceremony. There were also some bittersweet moments, like the fact that my grandfather was in Mississippi for the month and missed out on the happiness. He really wanted to be there, and was saddened not to see himself in the family pictures.

Lucky for him, we all have the opportunity to do it all over again. Well, maybe not "all" of it, but I do have the opportunity to participate in the December commencement ceremony for December graduates. Since this is officially my very last semester as a Cal student, THAT'S ME! Sure, I wouldn't be walking with any of my friends this time, but at least this would give my grandfather the opportunity to be a part of the experience as he should be. He is currently on another trip to MS, but gave me the go ahead to get all signed up because he'll be back home by the date. So, looks like its on. Back in the cap and gown, and time to flip that tassel to the left, to the left.

Its National Blog Posting Month again, and again, I'm all in. Ready to take the challenge. It will do both myself and my readers some good. I'll discipline myself to write everyday, which I will need since the thesis needs to be nearly completed this month, and you will have the opportunity to stop by for everyday rants and raves. What fun.

Seems like the month of October flew by. One minute the semester was starting and I was trying to find an available class, that might be enjoyable, and now I have 5 more weeks until its all over. I'll get all of my papers in next month and then start the task of packing up a household that I have been settled into for the last 6 years. At the moment, I have no idea where we will be heading, but I'm sure I will figure it all out by the time we must be moving on. Miss J is a little sad about our move. Its the only home that she's known. We've been in the same neighborhood and apartment since she was 5 months old. All of her friends are in this neighborhood. But as all good things do, our time hear must come to an end. I am taking the time to explain to her that just because we wont be in the same neighborhood anymore, it doesn't mean that she wont be able to see and spend time with her friends anymore. Its gonna be a process.

How's your Monday?

I remember when my professor said it. "Just make a decision and stick with it", she'd say. Well... I did this summer. In order to officially have earned my degree I have just two more classes to complete and the thesis. You do remember the thesis don't you? Yeah, its still waiting in the wings for my attention. Anyhoo... I had planned to complete everything this summer. I enrolled in the two classes, dusted off my research materials and was prepared to jump right in. Enter reality: its not a good idea to take math during the summer IF there are other classes involved. Nor is it a good idea to take math, other classes and write a thesis during the summer. I knew this before I signed up for summer classes, but I wanted to give it a go anyway. Who knows, I could have totally came out of it on top. I took 3 classes last summer and did every well!

Classes started and I realized that I should have listened to myself and others who warned me that not only taking math with other classes in the summer would be a bad idea, but also that taking it at Cal during the summer would be even worse of an idea. So, I'm sitting out the summer for some much needed down time and the opportunity to get some research done without the pressure of added academic responsibility. I'll sit in one more fall and then I'll be completely done, which will give me other benefits like time to find a job and a new apartment. I also wanted to be able to spend some quality time with Miss J actually enjoying the summer. We both deserve to have a break.

We got a chance to go to the water park last week with friends and we had a lot of fun. My legs got some much needed sun and our bodies got a natural dose of vitamin D.



Although sand is not my friend, we might find ourselves at the beach this weekend enjoying the nice weather.

What adventures are you and your family going on this summer?

"happy pills have a way of numbing the passion it takes to string together thoughts and ideas"

I think Tameka was right. I wrote about my return to happy pills here, and since then, I've pretty much left them in the bottle. I refilled my prescription in hopes of restarting my routine today, but I'm just not so sure I want to. The Celexa started off ok. I didn't wanna give myself a placebo effect so I tried to view them as being sort of like a vitamin. That way, if I started to feel better, it wouldn't be because I desperately wanted the meds to work, but because they were working. I did feel a little better in terms of enjoying Miss J more, but it was semi-overshadowed by a roller-coaster of emotions. The ups and downs that first month brought had my doctor rethinking Celexa as a choice. Then, just like that, I was back to my old self again. Not the old self before depression and ill feelings because that self is never old, but back to my natural state of being irritably depressed. It was then that I missed a day's dosage, which turned into a few more day's dosages, which turned into me having a day of the jitters like a dope fiend.

I'll be seeing my doctor next week to see what the next steps should be, and I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about me suddenly stopping, but then again, I always suddenly stop when I feel like I'm wasting my time so I'm sure she's probably used to it by now. I've made the decision that I should just wait until I see her before cracking open that bottle back open and diving into the next 30 days, just in case we both decide that I should move on to the next drug or try yet another approach. You know, I'm starting to feel like there is some part of my brain that is un-fixable. I feel like "this" just is and I just need to figure out ways to make it work for me instead of against me. We'll see what happens...

Just think. We would have been celebrating a lot sooner had I not fallen off the face of the earth. Don't worry, I'm semi-back now, and with good news to share...

First, I bought my cap & gown last week, along with a hat and extra tassel for Miss J so that she can get all dressed up and walk the stage with me. Since her school isn't doing a Kindergarten graduation we're gonna kick it up a notch. These ceremonies will prove to be some of my grandest memories as I'll retell the story to her as she grows, look back at the photos and realize just how much of a role model I truly was to my child, and that I laid the ground work for her to move forward in life. I did that! All me! I am so grateful to have been a parent while at Cal. I couldn't have become a mother at a better time. Because of my opportunity, I was able to pass along vital lessons and opportunities to my baby. It just doesn't get any better than that ya'll.

I created some photo announcements through Vista Print and I am looking forward to loading up the mailbox, which for now, will be the equivalent of me shouting from the rooftop that I've made it! Though I still haven't quite figured out what comes next, I'm ready to move on to the next stage of life. And not a moment too soon, since I'll be turning 25 in 7 days! And Miss J will be turning 6 in 53 days! We are both getting old. Don't get me wrong, I know that with age comes wisdom. I accept that. I don't have a problem turning 25... I just have a problem having a 6 year old. What happened to my baby? Where did she go? She's so independent, and so... her, that one day I am gonna reach for her and she's gonna tell me in a sweet voice that she doesn't need me anymore. Because that's just the type of person she is. The kind that will choose a college on the other side of the world just to get the hell away from mom, and as far away from mom as humanly possible.

Ahhhh... kids. Speaking of which, have a look at Thing 1 and Thing 2...


Talk about growing up fast! They are sitting, rolling around the house in their walkers, pulling up, crawling, fighting with each other, extremely concerned when the other cries, has to have as many turns in the lap as the other, and I am sure the list goes on and on. What still shocks me the most about these two though is their personalities. While Thing 2 is now growing curly hair in a mohawk like her sister, Thing 1 is growing teeth. 5 OF THEM!! Like, how the heck does a kid grow 5 teeth in like a month?? I was super shocked. Got little Miss Thing 2 playing catch up in that department as she is still gumming her food.



Miss J and I hope to one day be blessed with a little play mate of our own... one day soon might I add, because as much as I am wishing that I could slow Miss J's growth process, I DO NOT wanna be looking at someone else for like, another 10 or 12 or 14 years after Miss J has left the nest. Uh uh, nope. So yeah, Ms Bar B is also putting in some work in the love department this year.... more on that later.

"Why do you hate me so much", he asked. I get chills each time he asks me that. "I've told you a million times why, but you never listen", I reply.

He tells me that I am living in the past, and that "we" need to get past "the past".

Oh really? Get past "the past", huh? Isn't the number 1 requirement for transcending the past acknowledgment of it? And you don't just "get past" the past. You grow and evolve because of it. You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been...

My personal pain has reached a red alert. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that, in order for me to find true happiness and peace, I am gonna have to just pick up and go. There was a time when my whole family was in one place. Very centered. Now, only a few of us remain, merely existing, not living. Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of environment, a change of support networks, a new start, is just the right push to begin the process of living again.

I told Miss J's dad that he should start to enjoy his time with his daughter because this is the last year that we'll be around. He took that to mean that my life's mission is to take his child away from him. That, not only am I milking him for child support, that now I want to escape with his investment. So, he informed me that he has a lawyer, and that he will "put the plan in motion" so that I can't leave California if he has to. I guess that would also mean no to a name change. I don't see it as having much to do with the baby at all, but everything to do with his need to have a level of control over me, since he also said that he has no problem with me going where ever my degree leads me. If I relocate for a better opportunity, doesn't that involve taking my child with me? Aren't planes, trains and automobiles still adequate modes of travel? So, at what point would Miss J be kept away from him? And if he does feel the need to "put his plan in motion", does he think that the judge will only hear his side of the story? Does he think the court will not want to take his character, his past, his present, into consideration when trying to establish whether or not we should share custody of our daughter? No, according to him, since I will have my degree, I will be making more money than him, and when he gets joint custody I will have to pay him support, instead of him paying me support. Wow.

This entire situation is like a really bad nightmare... more like a night-terror that just keeps replaying itself over and over. I constantly examine the past, looking for clues to the red flags. Where did I go blind? Unaware of other women before and after baby, rape, STIs, mental abuse, 3 more children with 2 more women (whom I've never met), siblings that are too many for my daughter to keep up with. How did 1 man gain the ability to have a lasting negative effect on my life? How could he have been a part of my life for 5 years before baby and then totally flip the script on my ass after baby? Walking away from the situation all together before the staples were removed from my belly.

I just want the pain to stop. I want him to be a distant memory. I want the mental torment to stop. I want him to stop trying to break me. To stop envying my pending success. To stop sexually harrassing me. To stop threatening me. To stop making my child love him when he knows that he doesn't really have time to be the kind of father that she deserves. To stop having more children so that maybe he could have the time to be the father that his children deserve... I want to run. No forwarding address. No number in service. Without a trace.

I could have gotten a restraining order a long time ago. I could have gone to court and faught for full custody a long time ago. Why didn't I? Its simple. I don't trust the law. It isn't set up to work for women and children in cases of physical and sexual abuse, not to mention mental abuse. Because as I was told by the police, "if he hasn't hit you then there isn't anything we can do", "you will have to get him to confess", "unless he harms the child or puts the child in danger, there isn't anything we can do", "there wasn't enough evidence in the rape kit, so there isn't a case". Why the fuck would I trust the law to see that he is not in the best interest of my child? To an outsider, all of this looks like the problem is strictly between the two of us, and that Miss J is just caught in the middle of a bunch of bitterness, but like I've said before, it goes much deeper than that. He took something away from me that can't be replaced. He changed my life in such a way that I am now stagnant. He stripped me of my agency. He has it all now. I want it back and that wont happen if I stay here.

Right now, I am trying to not focus solely on this as I have a list of other things to focus on. I'll have to just cross whatever bridges along the journey when I come to them.