I hope you are okay. Take your phone and all messages to a police department and file a complaint for harassment. Get that phone transcript on record!

Call a domestic abuse hotline and see if they can give you more information.(hugs)

I am crying right now! I've BEEN there... I know how you feel... YOU ARE SO STRONG! Strong to say "NO", strong to protect your precious little girl! There has to be something the police can do... but it sounds like you've been "there" before. My prayers go out to you and your daughter... stay strong... don't let him in (mentally or physically)! *sigh* wishing you only the best outcome!

I send love and hugs. Definitely follow Tameka's advice. You are not alone, even though your friends cannot be there in person, we are with you in spirit:):) Stay strong.

Definately go to the police wit the text messages. Don't erase them. See if the cell phone company can print them out. You need to be safe. He sounds crazy. We are praying for you and Little Miss J.

so damn sad...the situation and response from "authority." breaks my heart that you and others are or have been subjected to such cruelty.

you and jalia are in my thoughts...

Barbara,

1) Repeat this: The Light of God surrounds me, the love of God enfolds me, the power of God PROTECTS me, the presence of God watches over me. Wherever I am God is.
2) You have to work hard on forgiveness for your own empowerment. He spent 45 mins. on a booty call, and you were flooded with thoughts of violence and despair. Guess what? He went on with his life... and probably dialed the next booty call number.
3) Write Out:
--Your emotions about what happened concerning the rape (anger, fear, resentment,etc)
-- Your responsibility or part in the situation because you ARE NOT his victim! (We each have some responsibility for everything that happens to us even if it's only 1%.)
--What you want now.
--Why you forgive.

This is not for him. This is for you. I don't want you allowing yourself to be someone's victim. You have power and lots of it. Please do this exercise for each incident where you have felt beat up on, used, abused, and diminished.

I hope this helps. I did this exercise for many many incidents about 15 years ago. I just recently found the book I wrote in and realized that I have healed a lot. I didn't even remember that I had felt the way I did back then. You can heal too.

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Ms. Bar B,



You stopped me from watching my Oscars when I read your blog, girl! But this is more important right now :)



I've never blogged about my abuse because I still carry open wounds for what I suffered in the relationship that I had with my daughter's father. 



For you to speak so openly about you situation, I applaud you woman! I want you to understand that I don't want you to be scared. Please don't be scared. The man who has hurt you wins in the end if you fear him.



For you, I'll tell you my story:
I was 17 years old when I first met him. We were high school sweethearts and I truly believed he was the one for me. There were obvious differences between us and some people were not fond of us, I was Puerto Rican and he was African-American. I was quiet and studious in school he was a varsity football player.



As we learn more about each other, I realized he had suffered serious abuse as a child. He had been involved in gang activity and moved from home to home. After a year into our relationship things began to change. He would get controlling, and he showed that through his aggression. He would literally drag me out of a car on the highway, because I chose not to respond to his questioning. He would lock me out of the house he was staying at with my purse in his possession, and he would drag me from an ATM machine while clerks watched from behind the counter of a BP gas station. And each time he would apologize and say that it wouldn't happen again. 



Now in the state of Florida, domestic violence only counts if both individuals live together, so when OPD (Orlando Police Department) was called to investigate the matter at the BP gas station, all they could do is ask if I wanted to press charges and have him arrested...



What do you think this girl did, when the police asked????



Me in love and blind...declined.



The serious abuse began when I got pregnant. By then we were living together, I had already dropped out of college was working part time. He could never find a stable job. When I got paid, he began controlling my paycheck. I paid the rent, paid utilities, paid for food, all extra money went to him. He knew my pin number and got my card every time he asked for it. He didn't cook, I did, he began telling me what he wanted to eat.



I hated the apartment we were staying at because the only exit was the front door. I could not get him mad. He was bigger than me, knew how to fight, and knew how to shoot a gun. There were times when I got fed up and verbally fought back. 



Those days were not wise. There were two instances when this occurred, that I vividly remember: once when he shook me so hard in the bathtub he left me bruised and another when I was four months pregnant and he choked me to the ground upon releasing me, I still remember his words verbatim: "Get your punk-ass up!" (both times I was pregnant with our daughter).




When he let other people (homeboys, homegirls) stay at the apartment, I couldn't object. No one listened to me. He even locked me out without physically closing the door. Instead he yelled at his homies (who were in the apartment at the time) not to let me in. Instead I was left to cry. My pregnant self outside and alone.



He's thrown the contents of my purse onto the street because I didn't want to give him my debit card. I saw my glasses get run over by a car. An Orange County Sheriff's vehicle stopped by only to tell him that he needs to chill out because other people were looking. The deputy did nothing to inquire about how I was doing.




When La Princesa was born, I thought the abuse would end. And it did for a little bit. But he began to get frustrated that I would work and he would have to take care of the baby (he did not have a stable job). He even told me not to go back to work after maternity leave, but of course, how was that possible since we both would not have jobs.

I kept working, he kept getting aggravated.

My love for him faded away, my attraction for him went completely. I no longer wanted to have sex with him. He felt otherwise. He raped me two times before I escaped. The first time I was upset with him and retreated to the bedroom to cry in my sleep. He came in inquiring why I was upset and began removing my clothing and began penetrating. I didn't move, hoping he would stop, I was just too depressed otherwise. I told him that was rape and he did not perceive it that way. The second time, was on December 6, 2006.



Barbara, I remember this day because I made it my mission that it would be the last time he would hurt me. I had gotten home from work and gone up the stairs to see that he had fixed dinner. He was upset about something, and I can't remember why. La Princesa was in a swing near the dinner table. He fixed the food, but I didn't want to eat, I was bothered by his mood. He demanded that I eat, instead I ran downstairs trying to get out of the apartment. I only got half way before he caught my arm and dragged me back to the table shoved me towards the chair only to fall on the ground with me beside it. La Princesa began to cry.



We had gone to bed and I was praying he would not ask me to have sex with him. (The other thing to note is that he preferred that I stayed naked in bed. He became questionable if I went to bed wearing clothes).

He turned me around and got on top. I pleaded with him not to have sex, but he began to ball his fists in anger. I was not going to win if I fought him, his weight over me put me at a disadvantage. I gave in, but I did not move. My mind had gone to another place. I was dying inside.



When he realized I was no fun, he got off, grumbled and went to sleep. My only escape from him came two days later, when I had the opportunity to legitimately leave the apartment and go to work. The Orange County Sheriff's office was informed of the incident, a report was written up and I decided to press charges. He was charged with false imprisonment, sexual battery-not likely to cause harm, and battery.



I want you to know, that I learned my lessons through this experience, both on how to protect my self better and how the court system works.

Because the only witness to the incident was our four month old daughter and it was his word against mine, all of those charges were "dropped and or abandoned".



At the time, I also got an injunction against him (restraining order, that is what you say here in Florida). And he managed to violate it when he contacted me at my job. Because I did not have the phone on speaker so that others could recognize his voice and know he was contacting me against the orders set in place by the injunction (no witnesses) and the fact that he did not need to tell the court that he did indeed call me (pleading the 5th Amendment), he was found not guilty. The burden of proof from the State was not great enough for a guilty conviction.

I left the courtroom in tears.



Barbara, he has not been convicted for any of the crimes he has done to me. Our lease ran out, I moved, we went through supervised visitations via the court and I made sure to remove myself from his life completely. 



I feared that he would take my daughter, he would go to my job, he would stalk me home, etc. I didn't believe in the police, because there were times, when a deputy didn’t even want to fill out a report I wanted to make for violating the injunction!



It is true, do the paper trail because you will need as much documentation as possible for you to help your case. That's exactly what they told me. Every time he contacts you, document that! It's a log for a reason, it shows repetitive action, he's consistent, and he'll keep doing it.



A year later he was jailed for other charges unrelated to mine. He got out of jail on October 1st 2008 only to go back on November 28, 2008 for charges in another county (carrying a concealed weapon by a convicted felon).



Believe me when I say God works in mysterious ways. He has put him out of my life until I can correct my situation so that my daughter and I are forever safe.



I am still going through the pains, I remember the most scariest times, I still wonder of ways to escape him if I ever encounter him in the street. He currently is facing prison time, but I never put my guard down. Ever!



When I first pressed charges, I stayed at a domestic violence shelter until he got arrested. I know you are afraid he may enter your home, do you have someone whom you can stay with until you feel you are out of harms way?



Would you consider staying at a shelter? Shoot, take your daughter, take your assignment, necessary clothes, girlie stuff, and your mac and stay safe there.



Barbara, I've met many survivors, some of whom helped me along the way, there are those of us who read your blog and quickly relate to your drama.



Barbara, pray as others have shown you, place your fears in the hands of God, find a safe place for you and your daughter, stay alert, and now more than ever show your strength and use it for the well being of you and your girl.



I have three blessings from my experience: my daughter, a support network that is my family, and my strength.

I know you have those too!

Please, please, please stay strong, be smart, and don't fear....he does not control you anymore! You have all the control :)



Hugs all around muchacha!



-Vida_de_Chiqa

In addition, if possible try to consult a legal aid clinic in the area about your situation. The best thing in your favor is to become quickly acquainted with laws of California concerning, domestic violence, restraining orders, stalking, etc. Consulting an attorney about your matter is in your favor.

Does your university offer legal services to its students? Some do. Is there a law school nearby that has a family law clinic which offers legal services free of charge or at a reduced rate.

See if such services are available in your area :)

-Vida_de_Chiqa

Oh, my. I'm praying for you and Ms. J--that you survive this mentally, physically, and emotionally. But what I want YOU to do is go find a domestic violence group/shelter/help center in your area that can give you the steps you need to take to bury that m-f-er. It's okay to get help, and you certainly don't need to be dealing with this alone. And T-Allen is right: save all those messages and take them to the authorities--they should at least have a record of it.

Love you girl--and know that I'm here for you.

I was so moved by this Barbara. You have no idea just how many of "us" there are out here. I must admit my blog does not allow me to truly vent as yours does but please know that you are not alone.

Blessings

Isn't it amazing how many of us have "been there" before? I know I have definitely been there. I recall that place of fear being such a lonely place. Everyone had advice but I felt like my situation was unique...they didn't know the monster I was dealing with. It helps to know others have gone through it and survived, but when you are in the midst of it, sometimes you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep telling yourself you are in control of you. Say it out loud...over and over. He does not control you. He does not have the power to hurt you. Pray. Don't feed into the fear he wants you to feel...that is how he gains control. He is a weak excuse for a human being and should not even be acknowledged. Pray, be aware, chant to yourself, and pray some more! You will be fine. If we were in the same city, I'd say let's have a lunch/yoga/mediation day out! My email/aim in case you ever need to vent or just chat is poeticness77@aol.com Sending hugs and prayers your way! xoxo

Bar B. ...please take your test records to the authorities who will listen and get your baby and get the heck up out of there! See if you can stay with some family. Please.