I thank those of you who have commented and who might comment in the future on my last post. The level of gratitude that I have for your love, support, shared experiences and advice can not be expressed in words. So, please know that I highly appreciate your points of view and I appreciate you, period.

I realize that I probably sound a bit like one of those women scorned, who is all too eager to pull the plug on a blossoming father/daughter relationship. You know, the women who grab the child and hauls ass when things don't work out between her and the father, forbidding him to come near. I want to assure you that I AM NOT THAT WOMAN. I am not headed to the Maury Provich show no time soon... perhaps Montell, but never Maury. All kidding aside though, the situation really goes a lot deeper than that. I know that conversations about hair and personal decisions to abuse or not abuse drugs seem petty and not even worth the fire, but actually, these are part of the fuel. I feel the need to place all of the madness in this triangle into context so that you might better understand why I react and say the things that I do.

I'd like to just share an email that I sent to one of you in response to that post. I am not looking to portray my life and Miss J's as completely dysfunctional and unhealthy, I am looking for release. We all have issues and her dad just happens to be one of my many, lol. Oh yeah, I did say that all kidding was aside. Sorry. The fact that I can come here and vent keeps me half way sane, my daughter happy, her father alive and me earning a degree instead of doing time for murder. No, seriously!


Yeah, I too have had my share of longing for my dad, who spent the majority of his life, and mine, in jail. My parents never divorced, but he sure as hell was never around. I knew him through cards and letters. He was a talented artist and I enjoyed and saved every card that he ever sent. I had shoe boxes full. When my mother died he was in jail... I always feared that he would die in jail and be buried in the prison grave yard without me knowing. He was HIV positive and also had cancer. Luckily (for me) that didn't happen. He was out of jail last year, living in a half way house with failing health. He died last September in a hospital without anyone by his side. It was difficult for me because I didn't get the chance to say good-by, just as I had not gotten the chance to tell my mother good-by. My aunt revealed to me that he felt that it was too late for us to have a relationship because he had fucked up. Pissed his life away in jail and now his life was coming to an end. I wish he wouldn't have felt that way because although I never bit my tongue about the ways that he and his family failed me, he knew that I loved him and that no matter what happened and how much time had passed that I would always be there to accept him. We never got the opportunity to build a real relationship, but we did make a certain level of peace.

As for Miss J's dad, there is a certain level of history there that can't be repaired for anyone's sake. I don't want it to seem like I am jumping to conclusions just because he isn't perfect. Its deeper than that. I go above and beyond to keep the opportunity for them to build a relationship open. I suffer, so that I can provide what everyone keeps telling me is ideal for my daughter. A few years ago, her dad raped me, for which he claims to have no memory of doing, and since there was not enough evidence from the rape kit (or so I was told) he was never convicted of anything. Never even charged, just merely questioned. The ball was dropped by the DA in my case and things fell apart. So, I went through, and still go through, periods of feeling as if it was my fault, feeling that if I had not tried so hard to keep him in her life and make a happy home where there just wasn't meant to be one that he never would have had the opportunity to rape me, feeling as if I should have never even reported it, feeling as if I should just forget about it like he has and just make myself believe that it never happened. Because at least then, my suffering would no longer have to fall on deaf ears and I would no longer be internally tormented by memories and what ifs.

I don't care to joined them when they spend time together because I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has no respect for the feelings of others. I communicate to him repeatedly that I don't want to be touched, hugged, propositioned for sex, and still, I am propositioned, and still, I have been slapped on the ass and forced into hugs... all to not make a scene in front of the child. I clearly let the scene slip about the whole "hair" thing. So, I try to keep my distance while providing her the chance to know him, to have him in her life. At the same time, I am super vigilant and extra preventative so the minute I feel something isn't right then its time to create that distance. Its my job to protect her and quite honestly I don't trust him. How can you trust someone who often claims to not remember the things that they do?? The ONLY reason that I allow Miss J to go with him, unsupervised is because 1. there is nothing that will ever happen to her/around her that she will not tell me, my grandma, her aunt, teachers, and anyone else who will listen. That's just her personality and I love it. 2. I don't want to get the courts involved because I don't want to get into any kind of custody battles. I don't trust the law because I was failed and I continue to be failed by justice because my attacker walks free, re-victimizes me on the regular and they say there is nothing they can do about it. Unless he does something physical to me or to her there is nothing they can do under the law.

So, here I am, dealing with the situation as is, and plotting my escape, just as his oldest daughter's mother did, to a new dwelling in possibly a fresh state when I finally graduate. In no way will this be a ploy to keep him from having a relationship with her. Just as he travels to Las Vegas to visit his oldest, he may travel to where ever we settle to visit her. I do believe that he loves her, BUT, it comes at a price for the both of us. Up until a couple of years ago, she was like collateral damage in our relationship. He would tell me that he wanted to spend time with her and when he was allowed into my home he would dismiss her after 10 minutes and start sexually harassing and propositioning me. I made a decisions to take my body back and stop degrading myself just so that my daughter could see her father's face. This was a factor in my rape (which wasn't even the first time). I said no, tried to be free, tried to do what was right, tried to stop a cycle of fatherlessness...but how much am "I" suppose to suffer just to give my child the life that society says is appropriate? What about what I feel is appropriate? For me, safety trumps appropriateness. Prevetative measure trump letting things happen.

There you have it. That's what's up. As Fantasia says, "this is me".