Have you stepped back and taken a look at your coterie lately? The people who are in your inner circle; the people that you spend the most time with? Even the folks whom you network with on a regular basis? Do you take time out to let them know how incredible they are? I really appreciate my friends, my sisters, my family for keeping me going, and for reminding me of my greatness, even when I am convinced that it does not exist. Its so hard to see past the darkness and the distress, and the majority of the time, its hard to strip the negative self talk of its grand powers. However, when inspiration lies all around you, it becomes a little bit easier to grab hold to it.

My good friend, Geraldine, was recently interviewed by a local news station about life as a student parent at UC Berkeley, given the recent financial crisis, budget cuts and fee increases. She does a beautiful job telling her story, and that of so many others, who are combining academia with family life under these conditions. She is an example of the tenacious student parent spirit. I am so proud of every single accomplishment of the women in my life. That includes YOU too!

We were fortunate enough to pick one of the greatest weekends for a get-away. I had not realized that this was Easter weekend before planning a trip to see the new home of one of my good Cal mama friends. Fortunately, she and her family had not planned any Easter fun away from home, so we were more than welcomed to come and join them for some Easter traditions and a feast. We loaded up the car and made the 2 hour drive in the rain. Having made only one wrong turn, we arrived to curbside smiles and hugs. Its been a whole month since the big move, and although my mama friend and I have did lunch and hung out on campus since then, our kids have not seen each other at all. They went from spending every day together, to being separated. They definitely made up for lost time this weekend by losing themselves in their own special humor, lego building, video game playing, movie watching, minimal bickering and endless laughter.

Since I had no idea that Easter was so close, I had not planned anything. No basket, no church service, no Easter dinner, no Easter nothing, but my friend and her in-laws had everything covered. We went shopping for goodies and an Easter basket so that I could make one for Miss J. This would be my first time making a personalized Easter basket for her, and I really enjoyed it. I think its something that I will want to do from now on. On Easter morning, she got to open her basket with her friend.

And after a delicious brunch, we were inducted into their family egg hunt, which isn't your normal frolicking through grass to recover eggs. Aside from the fact that the rain kept us indoors, this egg hunt consisted of hiding all the components of each other's baskets, running around to find them hidden throughout the house, and then coming together at the end to enjoy our booty. It was great and a bunch of fun.

I officially started the task of dismantling my home today. A place where I have been raising my daughter for the past 6 years. 7 boxes in and still not a hint of sadness. Even though the best of my friends - my family - reside here, and Miss J's friends - her family - reside here, the time has come for us to move on. The fact that some of said friends/family are also moving on has made this process easier for Miss J, because now, its not us who are moving away and leaving everyone behind, but a time of transition for many; she is able to see that this is a time that will come up for everyone who lives here.

I can not truthfully say that I am delighted to be leaving this home to move into my grandmother's, but its the option that a single mother without a job has. Either that or settling down in a shelter, which in some aspects would be a helluva lot better than moving to my grandmother's. At least there are beds in shelters. Anyways... I wont go there, I'll just say that I am trying to look on the bright side and let the cards fall where they may.

I was offered a position to become part of a company's online staff. I am in the process of completing the steps to accept the offer. During my time in school, I would have LOVED the opportunity to be able to work from home. Now, the opportunity has presented itself just as my home office is relocating to storage. Hopefully, should I become a part of the online staff, I will be able to set up shop at my grandmother's... and speaking of shop, I am also hoping that I will be able to carve out a space that is comfortable enough that I am still motivated to crochet. I am on a mission with my blankets and I don't wanna be detoured. I have business cards coming =).

Being a blogger opens up so many different avenues. From networking opportunities to possibilities of seeing the world through different eyes. Most of all, blogging has afforded me the opportunity to make friends and to both inspire and be inspired by words that create change. I am never uninspired by my friend Tameka of the blog Tea & Honey Bread. Her way with words, her beautiful art and jewelry - reminding me that I am never lost in the taupes, or alone as a loner.

As a blogger she has reached a milestone: 500+ blog spots and 200+ followers! To celebrate these awesome accomplishments, she is hosting a Reader Appreciation Giveaway over on her blog. You are gonna wanna check her out and enter her giveaway.

To find out more and enter, click --->here<---

Thank you Ms. Tameka for intrusting your designs to me, and thank all of you ladies for being the greatest global support team that a girl could have. If you want to get in on the fun and self love, give Renee, Tara and T.Allen Mercado a visit. Be sure to let me know if you do so that I can come over and see what great things you have decided to impliment just for YOU!

You know, I have the most amazing group of friends. I really, really do. They are always there to give me a 'pick me up' when I need it the most. They constantly remind me of why I am here, and they give me all the encouragement and space I need to simply 'do me'. They just know when I need to be pulled out of my cocoon and when I should stay in. I could be wrong, but I don't think they make groups of ladies anymore like the ones who have been placed in my life. I love them dearly.

And of course, I love all of you wonderful ladies too! Did you for some reason think this didn't apply to you? You each have your own special place within my extended family.

While in LA, we took a trip to the beautiful Manhattan Beach, where I ventured waste deep into the ocean, the furthest I have ever ventured at a beach for fear of drowning or freezing to death. Even in a heatwave, the shoreline that I normally visit here at home is always cold. I didn't have to worry about that down in Hollywood, where the sun was ablaze and both the sand and sea were warm and inviting.


However, I did have to worry about being pushed down and swallowed by a wave, which resulted in me losing my favorite sunglasses!


I had a blast though. I am so jealous of my LA family who can hit the beach on a daily basis if they want to. I'm not a fan of the sand, but I always make an exception for the beach!

Once in San Diego, we got all cute and hit the gay strip. I've never met so many nice people in one place in my life. Well, except for the parent community at Cal, and the blogosphere, but yeah, it was hard to say goodbye when the time came. Made me super ashamed that I am a Bay Area native and I've never been to the Castro. Hell, just merely admitting that brings me great shame. It will surely be my next first adventure!

Our first night in SD landed us at a nice bar, where a cute queer named Tyler thought I was fabulous and asked me to dance. I regret not getting my booty up off the barstool, but I was exhausted from the drive down, and the 2 Malibu and cranberries that I had didn't help. The bartender was equally as hot, and thought that the straight tourists in the spot were such an addition that he bought us all a round of shots. We were totally working the whole minority thing up in there.

The party continued the next day as we headed to have lunch at a place called Baja Betty's. Great food and great happy hour Margaritas. Who knew that non-alcoholic Barbara would be drinking too days in a row... and for lunch at that! Again, us tourists were working the joint; with my friend Gina befriending the cute bartender Paco, myself becoming new friends with Gina's old friends, and all of us just enjoying a good laugh and an all around good time.


And what'll ya know... Paco bought all of us a round a shots!


Thanks Paco.

After making a stop in a book store and gawking at The Big Penis Book, we went back to a friend's house for a movie, which turned out to be more of a group nap when I looked around and noticed that everyone had passed out on me. I woke up to realize that Gunner the cat had drank my water while I was asleep... why else would there be a tickle in my throat? Always a possible result after happy hour, right? Let's just say that was my last alcoholic beverage while on vacation.

The next days brought beautiful sites like Old Town San Diego and the historic Hotel del Coronado.


Both were extraordinary. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures this time, nor did I get to visit the museums of Balboa Park. We chose to go there on the same day that everyone else in the city did! Just one more reason that I'll have to return soon for more adventures.

Have you taken your summer vacation/staycation yet?

We are still in celebration/remembrance/tribute mode over here.

We gathered ourselves,

Popped some bottles,

Set the channel,

and,

Just felt Michael.

First of all, if you aren't a House fan, there is something terribly wrong with you. I LOVE this show! I can't recall when I was first won over, but House's sarcasm, brilliance, and the way that he interacts with his team is all priceless. Here's a man whose main concern is which ever questionable illness case file happens to end up on his desk and whose primary focus is to solve puzzles. He has no affection for anyone other than his boss Lisa Cuddy, and bestfriend James Wilson, and even then, its a dysfunctional "House" kind of affection that leaves both Cuddy and Wilson hating that they love him so much. To most of his patients and his co-workers, Dr. Gregory House is a straight asshole, but deep down, he's just a man who spends his days working toward not letting his pain overtake his passion. I know one thing, if I had a mystery diagnosis, I'd want the Vicodin popping, antisocial, self centered doctor on call.

My love for and understanding of how Hugh Laurie's character operates brought about an epiphany concerning my Ex. As time moves forward the term "Ex" may grow to be an inappropriate way of describing him, so I'm gonna refer to him as my Kipenzi (lover/darling) instead. My favorite word in Swahili is "kupenda" which means to love; I love him, so it fits.

Back to the ephiphany...

My Kipenzi and I met back in 2004, and since our first date, our relation to each other has been interesting. We had intelligent and meaningful conversation, many things in common and a genuine attraction to each other that transcended the sexual. He had goals and aspirations, as did I, and he was working toward making his dreams a reality, as was I. We could have made a great team, and I wanted us to, but each time we grew closer he'd pull away for reasons unknown to me.

Things continued this way for years. A triangle of togetherness-love-time apart. We'd come together time after time and for whatever reason just never seem to work out. We spent a lot of time together, but never truly knew each other, not the way that we should have. All due to inaccurate communication and old fashion fear on both our parts of getting too close. Just that simple.

How does House fit into all of this? Well, during our quest to make things work, I was in my own world and he was in his. Our birthdays are 6 days apart, so there are times when we are one in the same, which, as you can imagine, is a problem. I often felt that he was very self-centered and inconsiderate when it came to my feelings. I was emotional and he couldn't relate because he didn't handle his feelings/issues/whatever in the same ways that I did. I felt that I was playing the fool. That deep down, he was just like Miss J's dad in his thinking and interactions with me. Ironically, he felt the same way about me. That I didn't take his feelings into consideration, didn't really respect him and his unique personality. Turns out, that just like Dr. House, we were both fighting day to day to not let our pain overtake us.

He was a gunshot victim at age 15, and as a result, he lives in constant physical pain with a bummed leg, just like the cynical Dr. House. As my Kipenzi and I came back together recently to work on "us", his improved self was a bit of a shock to me. I wanted to know what was really up with this newly sensitive and highly compassionate Kipenzi. According to him, this side of him has always lived within. Really? I have to say, I liked it. As we started to court each other and get to know each other as we should have years ago, the epiphany hit. What if, like Dr. House, my Kipenzi was just a man who'd been shaped by his physical pain? Like House, my Kipenzi has been shot, relies on pain killers to dull his pain, walks with a distinctive limp, and despite how he comes off to people with his attitude and guarded nature, he really is a great guy. I can admit that I have been shaped by my mental pain. I'm still in the beginning stages of this epiphany, so for now, my Kipenzi and I are taking things slow. We know what the fast paced leads to. Perhaps things will evolve differently between us this time around.

Today, grills will go ablaze, laughter will fill the air, and memories of loved ones lost will take hold. I will journey into the courtyard and be welcomed by familiar faces, then return hours later bathed in mesquite aroma and rather lethargic. May the same happen for you on this beautiful day.

Since the day that I found out, I have been trying to figure out the best way to break the news to Miss J. I think I have been mostly worried about creating a certain level of fear within her by revealing to her that her friend has died. A sadness or panic that would somehow change the way she functions in her day to day life. However, I've come to realize that I am mainly projecting my own sadness and reaction to this event onto her. So, last night, with my grandmother there for support, I put those fears aside, grabbed Maria Shiver's What's Heaven?, a Goodbye booklet that the kids created for each other upon graduating from Preschool, and had "the talk" with her about Zach's passing.



I just came right out with it and told her that he had died. She asked why. I told her he got hurt in an accident. She wanted to know why the doctors couldn't help him. I told her he was hurt too badly and that most of the time doctors can help people when they get hurt, but sometimes when people are hurt really really really badly, the doctors can't help them. I told her he went to go live with Jesus now, then asked her if she remembered what Heaven was. She said, "in the clouds, like where my other granny is?" Then she wanted to know why he'd have to go there, and why granny had to go there, and I just told her it was granny's time to go live with Jesus.

We read the Goodbye booklet, going to the page that Zach created for her, and reading his message to her, "To: Jalia. You're my bestest friend ever!" followed by a drawing of a heart with an arrow going through it. She seemed content with it, content with the happy memory, but a little sad at the same time. I think the ideology of happy memories is what made it a bit easier for me to talk to her about this difficult subject. I was able to give her the truth, which I think is very important, and ease her mind and provide comfort by redirecting her mind to happier times and situations surrounding Zach. She is a pretty strong girl, I could even go as far to say, she is a bit stronger that her mother in certain areas, so I had an idea of what she'd be able to handle when it came to facts or details and what she could not.

I asked her if she'd like to go say goodbye to Zach on Saturday, and she first said that she wasn't sure, then asked where we'd say goodbye at. I reminded her of how we went to a church to say goodbye to her granny, and that the same would be happening for Zach. Everyone would go to the church to tell him goodbye. She then became sort of excited at the thought of "going to the church" because that would require going to the store to get new "church shoes" since her's no longer fit.

I do not yet know if we will be able to make the trip since its 6hrs away down in Southern California. However, with everything in me, I want to make that trip. I want to be able to say goodbye to Zach, to have a sense of closure for myself, to show support to the family as I don't know if any other "Cal family" will be able to attend, and to provide Miss J this final opportunity. Again, I think attending would be more for my own healing than for hers. I will have to make a decision today because I would want to leave tonight as opposed to tomorrow since the service begins at noon. I wouldn't want to spend 6 hrs in the car and then have to get right out and attend the service. I would want both myself and Miss J to be well rested and prepared for the day. I am giving myself the next 6 hours to come to a decision.

I am very excited to take full responsibility for turning somebody out. Wait a minute, catch them thoughts, don't let 'em get away from you now. I'm not talking about being a drug pusher or sex fanatic. Although the latter would be pretty alright with me right about now =). I am actually talking about exposing a very good friend of mine to the powerful and wonderful thing that is the blogosphere. I am so happy that she is finally here because she has a lot to say, and has already said a lot, as she has been in a blogging frenzy over there at Beauty In Rare Form.

This phenomenal woman is a terrific mommy to a strong-black-man in the making, a recent college grad, a career woman, an entrepreneur behind an up and coming online magazine and an all around beautiful spirit. The time that I spend with Traci always provokes thought and I am very sure that if you head on over and take a peak into her world, you will be as equally stimulated.