"I wonder why the obligation to declare one’s purpose exists at all" - T. Allen-Mercado

Upon my lifelong quest to discover who I really am, and in the aftermath of my most recent mental break, I read the Moms of Hue post (which I encourage you all to do) of my blog sister T. Allen-Mercado, and was moved into expression...

Tameka, I didn't know that we were allowed to wonder this or to even question it at all. So much weight is placed on defining one's life's purpose, building a career, living one's destiny. What do those things even mean? Ever since I was accepted to Cal, I have felt pushed and prodded to define my life's purpose, and before I was accepted to Cal, I thought I already had. I had always loved to write, was scolded by my grandmother for "never wanting to do nothin' but write", was exposed to journalism in school, and so that's what I wanted to do with my life back then. I wanted to become a journalist. I wanted to become an investigative reporter, a creator of "new media" before there was New Media - in an effort to show the world what good could be found in the inner city. To create a space for my own voice to yell out from beneath the concrete and be heard.

Now, with those demanding questions that you spoke of being hurled at me - So, what are you doing now that you've graduated? What can you do with a degree in Gender & Women's Studies? So, you wanna do social work? What kind of job are you looking for? You're not going to grad school? Why not? Administrative Assistant? Oh. - And the judgmental statements - $10 an hour is better than $0 an hour/ Did you think you were gonna come right outta college and be the CEO of a fortune 500 company?/ I thought you had drive and determination/ Your minimal salary requirement is too high. It all has shattered my self confidence and my self esteem, and ingrained in me that a life without purpose is a life that isn't worth living.

After revealing my lack of life's purpose and my belief that $10 an hour was not going to pay rent in a safe environment, I was dumped by the person that I thought understood my struggle. Not only dumped, but kicked while I was down... lack of drive and determination, remember? This morning, I found myself on a 24 hr crisis phone line, crying to a man asking me to tell him what was wrong when I had no words, feeling 5150ish.

I guess I say all of this to say that I hate the quest for the American Dream. Like your wondering about purpose itself, I hate the very fact that there is a quest for the American Dream because its just a trope to drive the world towards submission and homogeneity, and those who resist or get lost in the hype, go insane.

I know you've seen the reports and heard the stories about teens sexting up a storm. The act of sharing naked or half naked pictures of themselves or others via picture mail on their cell. Apparently this is a huge issue, and one that carries a penalty under the law if carried out. Teens are being charged with possession of child pornography, are being convicted, and are having to register as sex offenders. All behind taking the private semi public. So far, it seems like the uproar is based on the respectability argument when it comes to girls and a sort of "protection from the real sex offenders" standpoint. Although it is true that pictures can always end up in the wrong hands, and often do (friends of the boyfriend/girlfriend) after bad breakups between the young minded, to be labeled as a sex offender because you send or receive a picture from your boyfriend/girlfriend is a bit harsh in my opinion. Especially when we have people who rape, molest, and murder who also wear that label.

I am torn on how I feel about the whole thing. I mean, I do think that there should be some kind of regulation of adolescent bodies in the virtual world, but its a little hard to regulate something that is always one step ahead of the game. How can you really ensure that your teen's body will not be shared with or without consent? If the option of picture mail is obsolete, there are still places like Myspace and Facebook where they can still be shared. Parents may take away cell phones and request that their child remove themselves from social media sites, but I asure you, new accounts will be opened right up under your nose, thus, bodies will be shared whether we want them to be or not. So then, is criminalizing the practice really the answer? I guess the problem is where technology, society and the law meet. There is always one just outside of the other. In this situation, it is the law that is outside of morality. I'm extremely torn on any possibilities. If we were talking about cyber bullying, I would think that it should be criminalized, but even that does not carry a label that will hinder one's growth as a person. To be labeled a sex offender is kind of like afixing a Defective sticker to a person. I'm just not sure that a teen should be punished in this way for this type of... offense.

What do you think?

Miss J: Why aren't you gonna wear granny's coat?

Me: That's not granny's coat. I already gave it back to her. That's my coat.

Miss J: When did you get that coat?

Me: I've had it for a while, I just don't wear it.

Miss J: Why?

Me: B: Because its too big.

Miss J: Well, maybe when you get bigger you can wear it.

Me: I don't wanna get bigger, I wanna get smaller!

Miss J: Smaller? Like a kid?

Me: No, I wanna lose some of my pounds.

Miss J: Well, you need to call right now.

Since the day that I found out, I have been trying to figure out the best way to break the news to Miss J. I think I have been mostly worried about creating a certain level of fear within her by revealing to her that her friend has died. A sadness or panic that would somehow change the way she functions in her day to day life. However, I've come to realize that I am mainly projecting my own sadness and reaction to this event onto her. So, last night, with my grandmother there for support, I put those fears aside, grabbed Maria Shiver's What's Heaven?, a Goodbye booklet that the kids created for each other upon graduating from Preschool, and had "the talk" with her about Zach's passing.



I just came right out with it and told her that he had died. She asked why. I told her he got hurt in an accident. She wanted to know why the doctors couldn't help him. I told her he was hurt too badly and that most of the time doctors can help people when they get hurt, but sometimes when people are hurt really really really badly, the doctors can't help them. I told her he went to go live with Jesus now, then asked her if she remembered what Heaven was. She said, "in the clouds, like where my other granny is?" Then she wanted to know why he'd have to go there, and why granny had to go there, and I just told her it was granny's time to go live with Jesus.

We read the Goodbye booklet, going to the page that Zach created for her, and reading his message to her, "To: Jalia. You're my bestest friend ever!" followed by a drawing of a heart with an arrow going through it. She seemed content with it, content with the happy memory, but a little sad at the same time. I think the ideology of happy memories is what made it a bit easier for me to talk to her about this difficult subject. I was able to give her the truth, which I think is very important, and ease her mind and provide comfort by redirecting her mind to happier times and situations surrounding Zach. She is a pretty strong girl, I could even go as far to say, she is a bit stronger that her mother in certain areas, so I had an idea of what she'd be able to handle when it came to facts or details and what she could not.

I asked her if she'd like to go say goodbye to Zach on Saturday, and she first said that she wasn't sure, then asked where we'd say goodbye at. I reminded her of how we went to a church to say goodbye to her granny, and that the same would be happening for Zach. Everyone would go to the church to tell him goodbye. She then became sort of excited at the thought of "going to the church" because that would require going to the store to get new "church shoes" since her's no longer fit.

I do not yet know if we will be able to make the trip since its 6hrs away down in Southern California. However, with everything in me, I want to make that trip. I want to be able to say goodbye to Zach, to have a sense of closure for myself, to show support to the family as I don't know if any other "Cal family" will be able to attend, and to provide Miss J this final opportunity. Again, I think attending would be more for my own healing than for hers. I will have to make a decision today because I would want to leave tonight as opposed to tomorrow since the service begins at noon. I wouldn't want to spend 6 hrs in the car and then have to get right out and attend the service. I would want both myself and Miss J to be well rested and prepared for the day. I am giving myself the next 6 hours to come to a decision.