I am slowly starting to realize that blogging takes some work. Its an entire process. Collecting thoughts, putting them together in a way that speaks to both you and possible readers, submerging yourself into the blogosphere, visiting and reading the blogs of others. I have been in this process for a couple of months now and although I have made a commitment to myself to use this space as a way of freeing my mind, I feel that I have not devoted part of myself to it. I have not made a specific place in my life, a specific spot on my internal schedule, that is set aside just for blogging. After reading Renee's words about having an "O moment", I had to question my own lack of "O moments". In not devoting a part of myself to this blog, does that mean that I am so busy that I can't set aside 30 minutes to an hour a day specifically for me? I sooo wanna say yes to this question, but the real answer is no. Yes, I am very busy with school projects and Miss J, but I do steal time for other things and people quite often, so why not create a permanent nuck for myself as well?

I am making an executive decision right now to stop feeling guilty about paying attention to myself. I could spend all the time in the world making sure that a smile is on Miss J's face and my ear is on duty for a friend's problems, but the minute I even think about myself, my needs, my own problems, I immediately want to push them aside and tell myself, "you don't really need that" or "you need to just suck it up and move on". Well, no more. There are things that I really need to focus on for me, like my health and mental clarity. Besides, how am I gonna save the world if all of my super powers are drained??

So, tomorrow is a brand new day for Ms. Bar B.

I pledge to be present for "me" time each day.
I pledge to make my health and wellness a priority.
I pledge to love myself more... oooo that's a big one.
I pledge to incorporate more O moments into my life.

and lastly,

I pledge to feel no quilt about waking Miss J tonight, as she has fallen asleep at the foot of my bed waiting patiently for me to read her a bedtime story after I finish this post.

If you happen to have your volume cranked up, then you'll notice my bTunes update. I thought it would be nice to mix it up a little by adding some up-tempo tunes in with the comforting neo-soul. Speaking of "neo", I have to devote some time to a man that I am starting to really like. That man is R&B singer and song writer Ne-Yo. You may be familiar with his work, as he is well known for writing Mario's Let Me Love You, Beyonce's Irreplaceable, Rihanna's Take a Bow, and other hits for artists such as Mary J. Blige and Faith Evans. Yes, he is extremely talented, extremely hot and most of all, he has mastered the art of being a gentleman.

When Ne-Yo hit the scene with his debut album, In My Own Words, back in 2006, I latched on to his hits So Sick, When You're Mad and Sexy Love, just like every one else, but I wasn't an instant fan. I didn't run out to buy his album or take the time to learn who he really was, beyond being a good singer and a good writer. Not even with his second album did I develop the school girl crush that I have now. It wasn't until I started really paying attention to his tv and magazine interviews that I got a sense of Ne-Yo the person. His humor, personality and value that he has for women is what attracts me. It is definitely evident that his mama raised him right, or maybe he is just a quick learner from experience. Either way, I dig him a whole lot and after getting an earful of his latest single Miss Independent, I couldn't wait to jump on the Ne-yo fan band wagon. If you'd like a visual of the song that you have probably been listening to check out this video for Miss Independent.



Another man that I have a lot of respect for and who shares that gentleman quality is rapper and actor LL Cool J. What can I say, this man is a hip hop legend, an accomplished actor and a real family man. He still has that spark and its all due to the way that he chooses to live his life. He places God and family first and he never misses an opportunity to exclaim his appreciation for his wife and love for his children.

Yes, ladies should love cool James for more than just his sexy body. We should love his positivity and his ability to lead by example.

Are there any perfect gentlemen that you admire? Doesn't have to be an entertainer. In fact, it would be good to know that we still have some ordinary gentlemen walking among us.

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

1. Celebrating Halloween with Miss J. and trying out a new hair color are some of the things I'm most looking forward to in October.

2. Sometimes I don't believe that I really have a place in this world.

3. I said I'd never fall into that "Berkeley social activism" trap, but find myself wanting to fight for other people's rights and that's why there is a saying, "never say never"!

4. When I'm down, I crawl inside myself and hide from the world.

5. Either in my bed or in a classroom is where you'll find me most often.

6. A rainy day is good for cuddling up with a big bowl of soup.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to finishing up my annotated bibliography, tomorrow my plans include visiting my bff and Sunday, I want to give this house some much needed attention!

We really do have the ability to learn something new everyday. A recent visit to Eat Free Lunch schooled me on a particular voting poll rule that I had never heard before. Did you know that you CAN NOT wear any presidential candidate gear to the polls? Sure you probably did, since you, unlike I, probably voted in the last presidential election. Yes, unlike all of you responsible citizens, I am a heathen and I did not vote in the last election, or any election since. I am almost embarrassed to say that it has taken me 6 years to become a registered voter. My years of civil disobedience have come to an end and I am now ready to put in my two cents.

So, back to the "no presidential candidate gear at the polls" rule, the more I think about it the more it makes sense and the more I can picture the potential chaos that will break out between those in charge and younger voters. I can just see it now, a sea of proud young Americans, all decked out in Obama gear ready to make a different, only to be turned away. Many believe that this is being counted on to happen, as a plot to turn Obama supporters away. They feel that if folks sporting Obama gear are turned away then they will not go home, change their shirts, and return to the polls to cast their votes. I don't know how I feel about that theory, but since not a lot of talk is being done on what to do and what not to do at the polls, I can see why some would feel this way.

Make sure that all of the voters you know are hip to the game. Its just a waste of time to have to go all the way back home to change your shirt because you didn't know the rules. And I am pretty sure it would also be a waste of time to have a full blown argument and throw out aquisations of racism just because your visible support for Obama was not welcomed.

I am not a regular viewer of the show LA Ink, but I have to say that it is one of the few reality TV shows that I love to watch. Who can pass up watching real creativity at work. Tattoo artist Kat Von D is absolutely amazing, so amazing that the price of a portrait piece like the one pictured above can easily start at $1000. If I am ever going to have Kat's art grace my flesh, looks like it will only be in my dreams. I am long overdue for my next piece of body art, and getting a portrait of Miss J., accompanied by a few butterflies fluttering around her, is at the top of my tattoo wishlist.

I got my first and only tattoo 8 years ago, at age 16. After seeing my best friend's zodiac sign written in Chinese characters on her leg, I knew that a tattoo was in my immediate future. Of course my great-grandmother was completely against this idea, until I assured her that what I wanted to permanently mark my body with was something extremely meaningful. Something that would bring me a certain level of peace, my mother's name. At the time, it had been 8 years since my mother had died and I had never really stopped grieving. I longed to have her with me and this would be one way that I could do that. So, my great-grandmother hopped on a bus with me and made the trip outside of our city to Tom's Tattoo. She sat in the waiting area waiting as I was branded with the two Chinese characters that, together, pronounce the name Emma. To the melody of the needle and the stroke of his hand, I told Tom my story.

It has now been 16 years since my mother's death, and although I share her face and I wear her name, I still find myself longing for her. I find myself wishing that she was here to share my life and the life of my daughter with me. If I can not physically have her, then I must keep alive the spiritual connection that I have with her through my daughter. My mother was buried on June 5, 1992 and I gave birth to Miss J. on June 5, 2003. I feel like she was a very special gift from my mother. Placing Miss J"s portrait together with butterflies (which my mother loved) would manifest on my body, the connection that my mother shares with my daughter and the connection that they both share with me.

I will be sure to share the finished product with all of you once I have found a tattoo artist that is as equally skilled at creating portraits as the amazing Kat Von D.

I know that today is NOT Friday, but I didn't have a chance to post yesterday and really wanted to participate in Friday Fill-Ins, so here we go...


1. There is no need to hold on to every bit of the past.

2. Where in the heck did the time go?

3. Being myself is all I managed to do.

4. Prospects for happiness are increasing.

5. "Change" is the message.

6. Simplicity and tranquility are lifesavers.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to having a movie date with a friend, tomorrow my plans include doing some thesis research and Sunday, I want to just stay in bed!

Translation: My Swahili is very bad...

I really thought that I had learned a lot in my elementary Swahili class last semester. I mean, I can greet someone, tell them where I am from, what I study, the things that I like or dislike and a few other things about myself. Plus I can have conversations about other people, places and things. You'd think that I'd be able to hold a full on conversation with a native Swahili speaker and be completely fine. Yes, if the conversation is very basic and boring. This, I did not fully realize about my Swahili speaking ability until this intermediate class started up. Man, the instructor hit the ground running. He assumed that since it is an intermediate course, as he should be assuming, that our Kiswahili should be on point AND that we should be able to survive with him speaking little Kiingereza (English). He was a little disturbed by all of the wide eyes and blank stares on the first day of class, and he is still disturbed each time a jaw hits a table or a "sijui" (I don't know) escapes a mouth.

Of course, no class would be complete without having that 1 person who actually is on point and who sets the bar for the rest of the class. No exceptions here. There is a girl, who has spent some time in Tanzania and has obviously studied the language in some depth, who has no problem keeping up with the professor's new directions, asking questions and holding conversations with him in Swahili, and blurting out answers and correcting other students every time the opportunity permits itself. She sits with ease while everyone else is fumbling and flipping through their English/Swahili dictionaries. Don't you just hate people like that? What the hell is she even taking this class for if she doesn't really need it... just to pass the time, to fill up her schedule?? She is probably there for much of the same reasons as the other 6 of us, because she was talked into being a part of the "save the African languages at UCB" mission.

Each semester, the elementary Swahili professor gets swamped with students interested in talking his course, so he thought it would be a great idea to have an intermediate class available for those who wanted to continue learning the language. This was a great idea in theory, but it is a bit of a failure in practice for a couple of reasons. First, people are only interested in taking the elementary class because of its super easy instruction and instructor. Secondly, you only need the elementary class to fulfil the University's foreign language requirement, so there is no need for students to move on to the intermediate course. However, because some of us actually do enjoy the language and we loved the professor we decided to sign up. We have written checks that our asses can't cash.

Dispite the fact that I sit in class feeling like I have never studied the language a day in my life, I am sticking to it. I stared at the quiz this week (that was probably only suppose to take 30 minutes or less to complete) for at least an hour, with the rest of the class trying to figure out what the instructions said. Somehow I was able to piece things together enough to fill up the lines. I am hoping it wasn't too much of a disaster. He probably went home and laughed his ass off at our chicken scratch while grading the papers or there is the possibility that he might have been sadden by our poor performances. Either way, it can only get better from here on, right?

Is there an immediate difference between the two? Those of us who work from an American Dream type of ideology would probably say that there isn't, stating that to be disciplined is an act of showcasing self control and to be "self" motivated is an act of being in control of self. The common denominator here is "individualism", which we are all taught is the only way to truly achieve any level of success. You have to be responsible for yourself; you have to think for yourself; you can't just wait around for things to be handed to you; you have to make things happen for yourself, we are told. So, then where do the concepts of group effort, community, and support network fit in?

I ask, because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about where discipline and motivation fit into my life. As I think about all of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year, and how excited and ready I was to improve myself, I have sadly been falling short. On December 30, 2007, in my Myspace blog I wrote:

No resolutions for me, only long term and short term goals. I have learned from experience that resolutions are made to remain unkept and goals are set to be achieved =). So, I have set some goals for myself to work toward in 2008.

In no particular order:

1. Become a senior!!
2. Maintain a healthier lifestyle.
3. Reach my fitness goal.
4. Gain mental clarity.
5. Get my money straight.
6. Be a BETTER than the best mother that I can be.
7. Find happiness within myself.
8. Raise confidence levels beyond the max.
9. Say goodby to my comfort zone.
10. Accept all challenges head on.

Since then, I have achieved some of these things, but am not working hard enough toward others and I think it has a lot to do with the ways that discipline and motivation are currently positioned in my life. Last October, when I reached 161 lbs, I took a long look at myself and decided that I wanted to reclaim the person I was before I became a mom. Its not about running away from who I am now, as a mom, but about proving that I am many other things in addition to being a mom. Its about remembering the things that I was working toward before becoming a mom. And furthermore, its about simultaneously reclaiming and defining "my" identity.

I was hell bent on making not just some changes in my life, but a lifestyle change this year. I started exercising, eating healthier, I was working part time and doing well in my classes. I lost 16 lbs and was much more fit than I had been. Then I was laid off from my job in April and everything changed. I lost my motivation to stick to both my workout plan and my new nutritional habits. As much as I love martial arts, I could only bring myself to keep my date with Billy Blanks twice. Now he just sits on top of the dvd player waiting for me to get my shit together. I am overall disappointed in myself for dropping the ball. Disappointed in my lack of "self" motivation and my lack of discipline... but should I be? Should I be disappointed in myself for not being in the individualistic spirit these days... for yearning for support as a form of motivation? Are external motivators just all wrong?

I have been considering joining some kind of exercise class in hopes of generating some sort of support network that would make me want to keep up with it. Now that all of the handouts and newletters are being brought home by Miss J. I am thinking of using her as a motivator. I saw a hip hop dance class that I think she would love. Now all I have to do is track down the instructor's email address so that I can convince him that letting my five year old join a class that is limited to 8-10 year olds would be a great idea. Maybe I can find a class that will be fun for me and that will give me a good workout at the same time, like the bellydance class that I have been wanting to take forever.

So, how do all of you view motivation and discipline? Do you think that motivation should always come from within? Do you think that we all should have some form of discipline in our lives when it comes to doing things for ourselves? Let me know.

I am one of those people who absolutely loves to take pictures. The majority of the time, you can find my Canon in my purse, ready for any kind of photo opportunity. I have even been successful in creating a little photographer hopeful, who runs around the house with a pink Kid Tough Digital Camera, snapping half naked shots of her mother when she isn't looking. When Tea N Honey Bread decided to start Shutter Click & Chat Sundays, I was excited to participate and FINALLY, this Sunday, I did not allow myself to forget.

This Sunday's focus is My Special Book:

This is both the first baby book that I ever bought and started for Miss J. and it also marks the time that I fell in love with Scrapbooking. I still remember the day this book caught my eye. I was somewhere around 6 or 7 months pregnant, in a mom and pop neighborhood restaurant with my grandmother, who was watching the cook behind the counter carefully layer her ground beef, potatoes, salsa, sour cream and cheese into a styrofoam container. I allowed my eyes to part with the yummy food just long enough to catch the glimpse of a pink book with a teddy bear attached to it nestled between some Oakland Raiders crafts. I went over to take a closer look and discovered that the book also had a matching picture frame. Since I had already known that Miss J. was going to a girl, I couldn't leave the store without both this book and the picture frame.

This book is so special because it chronicles Miss J.'s first year of life. Everything from the single picture that was taken of my exposed belly at 6 months, through Miss J. spending a few hours hooked up to machines in the NICU after her birth, to the celebration of her first birthday and second halloween. Its all there, for me to go back and relive, and for her to enjoy. Past friends, family and memories that only pictures can hold on to.

Here is my little pumpkin at 4 months old celebrating her first halloween.

I still have this costume, btw. Every time I pull it out of the drawer I find it hard to believe that she was ever this small, but since pictures don't lie, unphotoshoped ones anyway, I have the proof right here that she was.

Here is another page from the book of Miss J. all ready for Easter. She has always been such a bright ball of personality, even at 9 months old.

She was quite the little peekaboo player too. I remember grabbing her attention from the photographer with a game of peekaboo so that we could get the perfect shot of her showing off those two pearly white bunny choppers.

It is so true that a picture is worth a thousand words, so if you'd like to participate today, whip out your camera and get a shot of your special book, then tell everyone all about it. If you'd like to participate next Sunday...

Shutter Click & Chat 9/21: The Money Shot

Show me your favorite picture of you! Show an old one, take a new one-professional photos are welcome. I want to see 'em all!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins, click here

1. I enjoy being around positive people.

2. What the future holds is something I wonder about often lately.

3. In your heart, you knew the right path to take.

4. Take big hair, add a little spunk and you end up with Miss J.

5. Life has gifted me with a survival kit.

6. Peace and quiet is an instant vacation.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to watching a scary movie, tomorrow my plans include going to a festival and Sunday, I want to polish my toe nails with Miss J.!

Why does the PTA scare me so much?? I don't even know where the fear originates from. Ok, well maybe I do. Possibly from all of the stories from other moms about how pushy some PTA moms can be and how the PTA is like this hardcore gang with an initiation ritual and everything. And of course Sarah Palin is a PTA mom, right? Hehe.

I guess its now on my mind because of all the reminders of PTA meetings and future fundraisers in the newsletters that Miss J. has been bringing home lately and the gigantic sign hanging from the front gates of Miss J.'s school announcing that the first PTA meeting will be tonight at 7pm. I know that being a part of the PTA is one of the best ways for parents to get involved at their child's school and a great way to raise money for programs and events, I guess I am just a little intimidated for some reason. I don't think I have even put the letters P, T and A next to each other since I was in elementary school, many many moons ago. This is why I should have gone to the PTA orientation after Miss J.'s kindergarten orientation. However, it was being held in the school's library, which I couldn't find until today, which is located directly in front of Miss J.'s class room. I think I told you all how bad I am with directions so this should not surprise you at all.

I am considering attending, but I don't know if I have another meeting in me this week. Last night's housing meeting was a drainer. And I have to help Miss J. with her homework tonight, and do some reading for class, and get that fish out of the fridge and into a frying pan immediately!! Is it obvious that I am running in one way and the PTA happens to be in the other direction? Nah, didn't think so.

"Are we under siege? We're gonna have to talk very loud over the helicopters"

It was pretty hard trying to concentrate on what the professor was saying in class yesterday because of all of the media coverage of the tree sitters. KTVU, which is our local channel 2 news station in the Bay Area had an awesome (can't believe I just used the word awesome, but yes awesome) picture of helicopters circling the last remaining tree in the oak grove, which still had about 4 tree sitters perched on top. In case you are unfamiliar about what's going on down here in the Bay Area, or should I say, what has been a 21 month long political battle between UC Berkeley and the environmentally conscious, let me briefly recap.


In a nutshell, UC Berkeley wants to build a new sports center in a space that is home to a community of oak trees. This was a very bad idea to those who care about the preservation of nature, the possible further disturbance of Native burial ground, and of course, the fact that many of the University's buildings already sit on a fault line, which places these buildings in danger if an earthquake that is stronger than just our normal jolt happens to hit. A student family housing complex that is pretty much crumbling around the tenants, which sits on the fault line, is scheduled for demolition some time next year. So, as you can see, there were many issues that literally brought people to the trees.

The tree sitters were successful in stopping the destruction of the trees while the courts took these issues into consideration, but ultimately, the big dogs won the battle and the little dogs were rounded up and carted off to the kennel. Since the tree sitters were in violation of a court order to come down from the trees they were taken to jail once they did come down. This was also the fate of other tree sitters who came down months ago, along with having to pay some fines. You are probably thinking, "well, good, they should be going to jail for being in the way... they had no business even causing all of this trouble in the first place ", and there are many UCB students who would agree with you. However, I am not one of them. I understand their viewpoint and although I could care less about the trees, which I know that I probably should, I care more about exactly how the University chooses to spend its money.

UCB has a system of housing for its students. There are the dorms, which are located on-campus and then there are two apartment complexes for students who have families, which are located off-campus. I mentioned one already that will be torn down soon. Way back in the day, the family housing was great because it was affordable, but now rent is just out of control. You have people who take on extra jobs and take out loans up to the max each and every semester just to be able to keep their housing. Some even have to choose between paying the rent and having food in the fridge since the majority of the time loans are still not enough, in addition to all of the expenses that come with having a family. I have been in this situation more than once. Its ridiculous. To make a long story short, very few families can really afford to live in university housing because each year that school fees go up, so does the rent. While the tree sitters were fighting for the rights of the oak trees by trying to stop the construction of the new sports center, student parents were trying to figure out why the University was eager to shell out millions toward this center and while completely closing its checkbooks to other areas of the institution that are desperately in need. You see, even though the family housing is run by the University and rent is paid "to" the University, the family housing complexes get NO funding from the University. Let me say that again. Even though these family complexes are considered University housing, the same as the dorms, unlike the dorms, they get absolutely NO funding from the University!

This means that newly constructed units in the complex that I live in were made possible by the taking out of bonds by the University department that oversees the complex. Which means that in order to pay these bonds back, debt that is now around $120 million, rent has to be increased because the complex has to be generating a certain amount of income in order to be able to make the payments. So ultimately, the families struggle, starve and live under stressful conditions, while the University plans to shell out $120 million for a new sports center. Why the hell weren't there a few parents with baby bassinets perched up in those trees right along with everyone else? I attended a meeting last night with the land developer and University representatives, where parents voiced their concerns with the constant rent increases, the construction that is still taking place in our complex and other issues. In the end, we were pretty much informed that rent will continue to rise and that there are no immediate solutions. When people started asking about the Chancellor's real role in hearing our pleas and actually providing assistance, we were again told that the Chancellor is not obligated to fund us and that we are not even really on his radar.

I wonder how much student parents would register on the Chancellor's radar if we, along with our families, started showing up at his house (which is located on campus BTW) for dinner every night, and then rolled out our sleeping bags and pitched our tents on his front lawn?

I wanna thank all of you who gave me such wonderful words of encouragement on my most recent rant about my thesis topic... or lack there of. Yesterday, I went to go have a chat with my professor about other possibilities and I am glad to report that I will not be needing a visit to the nut house any time soon... well, at least not until I start doing some actual research anyways. Since I refused to spend the weekend obsessing over my inability to wow my professor with my bright ideas, by Monday I still had no idea what I would even want to suggest to her in office hours. I got to her office an hour before she was set to see anybody because I wanted to make sure I was the first one in the chair. There was no way that I was gonna spend half of my day away from campus NOT away from campus. To my surprise, the sign up sheet was blank, so I whipped out my pen and claimed the #1 spot.

What to do for an hour in a hallway? Think of other possible topics of course. In our last class, you know, the one where she told me in so many worlds that my ideas sucked, I also remembered something else that she said, "if you had nothing else to do for a day or weekend, what would you be doing? This would be one of the things that means a lot to you." In other words, focus in on something that you enjoy and think about how you can make that into a research project... that will last an entire semester. So, I sat on the bench outside the door of the Gender & Women's Studies Department, put my backpack down and put my thinking cap on. What are the things that are closest to me? What is it that effects me deeply? Two things immediately popped into my mind: Mental Illness and Rape/Domestic Abuse/Statute of Limitations. Surprised are we?? I have to admit, I didn't want to go down either of these roads, not because they are not worth talking about and definitely not because there isn't research to be done, but because they are pretty depressing subjects. I wanted to work on something that would excite me, make me happy about the things that I uncovered about it, the possible questions that I'd be able to answer, but quite honestly, besides my daughter, nothing like that is really bold in my life right now. I really am more focused on deeper, darker issues at this point.

I jotted down these two ideas and some possible directions to take them. Although I couldn't bring myself to watch the VMA's this weekend, I did catch the end of the show and the news reports about Britney Spears the next morning. They were quick to remind everyone about Britney's not so wonderful "come back" performance at last year's show and how she pretty much stole this year's show taking home all of the awards that she was nominated for.

This got me thinking about "mental illness" and its representation in the media/society. When Britney started going down hill: shaving her head, custody hearings, hospitalization, rehab, etc, the media crucified her and painted her first as a drug addict and then as just plain old crazy. They never took into account that perhaps they (the media) were fueling her current condition instead of helping it. Even when it was confirmed that Britney was dealing with a mental disorder, there was no mercy, she was still under attack from every angle, not to mention, being on display... from every angle.

Last night, as I was on the phone listening to my sister in-law L fill me in on the latest drama between her brother and my other sister in-law V, I could feel the wrinkles forming in my forehead, harsh language brewing in the back of my throat and the sudden urge to head an intervention. Why oh why do we women put up with so much wrong doing from the men that we love? More importantly, why oh why do we women put up with so much wrong doing from the men that we love, who are also the father's of our children? Is the idea of having a nuclear family, the idea of keeping the family together, really more important than happiness itself?? And furthermore, even more importantly than that, why oh why are we women still blinded by love??? I know this is a lot to think about right off the bat, especially if you are happily married or in a happy relationship, but it definitely deserves some thought.

I don't know if I should go into details about our conversation, and ironically, this is why I have decided to do it anyway... because I have had enough of the "i'm not getting involved in that" speech. I want to get involved right now because, although sometimes getting involved can cause tension, it can also cause change, save lives and a bunch of other positive outcomes that far outweigh any possible cons.

Apparently my sister in-law V is stuck in an abusive relationship and has been for some time. I guess its hard to see a way out of a love that is over 10 years old and has produced 3 children, two of which are brand new twin girls by the way. However, when this love is quick tempered, frightening, and leaves bruises on your first born, its time for someone to get involved. When you call your sister in-law up to tell her all of the horrible things that her brother is putting you and your babies through and your sister in-law doesn't point you in the direction of the nearest police station, its time for someone ELSE to get involved. I can't even count how many times "I'm not getting in that", "she has to help herself", "I had to leave because I was ready to slap the shit out of him, brother or not!", came out of my sister in-law L's mouth during our conversation. I find it amazing how abuse becomes so normalized in certain communities that people STILL equate "helping" someone to meddling in their business. We really need to wake the hell up and smell the roses before we end up placing those roses on our loved one's grave site.

I don't truly believe that sister in-law V is really "in love". I think that love faded a while ago, but that she is so exhausted and stressed out from having to pour all of her energy into caring for the children and trying to work on a man who isn't fixable, that the words "help me" or "I really want to leave/I really want him to leave" just wont come out of her mouth. And just because she hasn't said the words that means that she wants to continue to suffer the abuse? What then is the meaning behind her frequent phone calls to sister in-law L, crying uncontrollably? What then is the meaning behind her packing up the kids and spending two days at sister in-law L's house? You'd have to either be a fool, very use to abusive situations or just unwilling to recognize a cry for help if you couldn't see that sister in-law V is actually silently begging for someone to get involved.

Since sister in-law L doesn't want to strain her relationship with her brother by standing up to his abusive treatment of a woman who has been up every night for 8 months feeding and tending to two new babies, and of a 4 year old little boy who needs to be loved rather than subjected to name calling and pain, then screw it, sister in-law Bar B will get involved! I could care less if he pitches a fit with me, unlike sister in-law V, I am not in love with him and I don't sit around and take bullshit from men, which is why Miss J.'s dad and I are NOT together. What I do care about is the well-being of my sister in-law, nephew and little nieces. I am still thinking long and hard about the best way of going about this intervention. I think it would be best if I can have a heart to heart with sister in-law V just to let her know that I know what's going on, its not something that she has to remain a part of no matter what anyone else says and that all she has to do is say the word and it can all be over. If she needs any more convincing than that, well then I am prepared for that too. Whatever it takes to prevent a bad outcome.

I bought Miss J. some Kindergarten workbooks that have all of these activities that are suppose to prepare her for the work that she will be doing in Kindergarten. I have found that the stuff in the books is stuff that she already knows how to do. If she could read, she could work in the books alone. I am so proud of her. I just can't say that enough. She is so in love with learning and I hope that she never loses that.

I don't know if there will be any weekly homework packets coming home, but just in case there aren't I will provide work for her to do. Now that she understands that Kindergarten actually involves "work", well, if you don't count making play dough, that is slightly different from the "work" that she was doing in Preschool, I also want her to understand that grade school also involves homework. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this. She comes to me and asks, "can we work in my activity book now?", and she wants to do like 10 pages at a time. I have to ask for a break. I love the way she never backs down from a challenge and welcomes new things with excitement. I try to encourage her strength and shape it so that it helps her throughout life. I am looking forward to seeing the results of her Kindergarten experience.

Ever since my Professor basically told me that my thesis topic ideas pretty much would suck as research projects, I have been a little... um... well, feeling a lot insecure about writing in general. I am suppose to choose something that not only interests me, but that interests me so much that I would want to devote the next 3 months to writing, rewriting and then rewriting it some more. Until this life changing work emerged. As a parent who is a full time student, I have been "interested" in how this process works. I have been interested in the politics of it all, because believe me, there are politics to being a certain kind of non-traditional student on a college campus. So, I am interested in the "experience", which yes, is not asking any particular questions, which yes, is therefore not presenting an opportunity to research anything, but that doesn't mean that there are no questions. I just haven't focused on them yet. Based on "experience" I know that it would be interesting to come into this project from a cultural studies perspective by looking at how the "college mother" is represented in our society. Why wouldn't this alone present some kind of opportunity for research??

I have other interests too, but right now, I just don't think my mind is into producing any kind of ground breaking work. What is it that truly interests me? What am I passionate about? What would I want to spend a bunch of weeks and devote a bunch of countless hours of research and editing to? Well, since "motherhood in academia" is not cutting it as it stands in my head right now and my Professor didn't seem to have any workable ideas to throw my way before stating in front of the entire class that "its just not a good research idea", I HAVE NO FRICKIN' IDEA! It pains me to say this, but the majority of the time I really HATE writing, which was why I came here in the first place, to try to condition myself to love it again. I mean, what's not to love about writing as a form of expression and as a way of adding to knowledge?? I definitely have a lot of work to do since I think we will be heading off to do library research in a couple of weeks. This is stressing me the hell out!!

It looks like this post has turned out to be not so random after all. I really did not intend to spend two whole paragraphs in this post, or even one about my lack of a thesis... that was suppose to be a whole other post, where I would tell you all how my Professor took my ideas and just shredded them right before my eyes and the eyes of eager on looker who know EXACTLY what the fuck they will be "researching". She destroyed not just the "motherhood in academia" idea, but also an idea that I had around "black female sexuality". Apparently, this has "already been done." Well, DUHH!!. And I can't come in on a conversation that is already in progress about black female sexuality and its representation?? Jesus Christ lady! I feel like John Nash struggling to come up with that "one original idea". He finally did, but damn, he ended up in a mental institution for a while getting electroshock treatments. Is the quest for an "original idea" gonna lead me to a white padded room too?

To see if I start running around the classroom, tearing at my hair, yelling, "THAT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR MY THESIS YOU BITCH!!", stay tuned...

I am SOOO happy and excited to announce that my friend Round Peg over at Medicine and Mishaps, that I called on all of you to head over and help, has received the help =). I am soo excited and happy for her... wait, did I say that already?? Well, its totally worth saying a second AND a third time because she will now be able to pay 75% of her fees toward earning her teaching credentials. Because folks took her pleas into consideration and actually voted for her she won the grand prize in the scholarship program she applied for. That is such a beautiful thing.

I don't know how many of you stopped in and read my previous post on her story or how many of you went over and took the time to vote for her video submission, but I DO know of one person who did. A very special thank you goes out to Renee over at Cutie Booty Cakes for her support... Round Peg thanks you!

See how much friendly gestures pay off!!

For the first time during the entire summer Miss J. and I got the much needed opportunity to spend a day at the beach. Although the ocean was off limits to swimmers and surfers, it didn't matter to us because we can't swim anyway, and the only waves that we catch are the ones that come crashing ashore to devour our feet.


While Miss J. snacked on chips and played in the sand to the beat of iTunes, I relaxed on our shared beach towel with a GWS article in one hand and a highlighter in the other. I really need to get some beach accessories, a nice beach chair and umbrella would feel mighty nice right now... A sea of umbrellas and chairs, volleyball games and beach patrol keeping a tight eye on ambitious beach goers who dared to go into the water past their ankles. We were there amongst all of this, together, getting kissed by the sun.


Miss J. loves going to beach. Mainly because of the blanket of sand that covers the place. I absolutely hate sand if it is any other place besides the beach. I am so glad that Miss J.'s new school's playground is sand free, no more dealing with sand in a freshly shampooed head for us. Since we are having such great weather this week it was a real treat to be able to get away on a mini vacation. It was just what the both of us needed.

On Wednesday Wednesday, August 27, 2008 Matt posted this entry on his MySpace blog:

MY LIFE

Current mood: blessed

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Well I should be in bed but I thought to myself, I have never wrote a blog in my entire myspace life and I been having this "principal in my head". I will keep it short and straight to the point. I been thinking about my life and it is not complete but it is getting there. I thought about the things I have accomplished over the years it has truly been a blessing. It just shows people when you put your mind to something you can make it happen. I still haven't accomplished everything, but I am working towards it and I believe if it is God's Will, it will happen. All of us have goals but they are all different, hold on let me take that back, they could be the same but with different agendas. I just see the potential in our generation to make things happen. Some other people in past generations, and sometimes in my case our generation don't feel that way but let's prove them wrong. That is what drives me proving people wrong when they think I CAN'T but then, I keep making things happen. It feels good but at the same time you wonder why these people can't stand you or like you. There are people that don't support anything you ever do but if you prove to them you can, they can still hate, but "Who looks Stupid"? Exactly!!! But this is one of those things I learned and wanted to share with my friends on myspace. Everyday we learn something new. Take life as a test and shoot for a better score each day. It doesn't have to be an "A" the next day, but let's hope it improves. Hope you can use this one day when you feel the way I feel right now!!!!

God Bless 08/27/2008

Matt Garcia

As soon as the news broke that John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his vice presidential nominee, I starting thinking what many others were thinking: this is just a way for McCain to snatch up disgruntled Hilary supporters who are unsure if they want to vote for Obama, and to try to make a case to the disgruntled Hilary supporters who have already decided that they will vote for McCain, that he will do for women what Obama would not. This election has been feeling very Suffrage Movement ever since the democratic nominee race started to tighten between Barack and Hilary. Now women have decided to go against their party completely and to jeopardize what could actually be good for this country, just to prove a point: that Hilary, a woman deserved to be the next president and if not, at least the next vice president. I can't sit here and say that this is a completely wrong way of thinking because just like the Hilary supporters, Barack supporters, specifically black voters, had planned to do the same thing had Hilary taken the nomination without making black voters feel like she was truly working for them. They were willing to vote for McCain just to prove a point: that Hilary could not win without the black vote. When, if ever, will this particular election be about the issues and less about the nominee's place in history? Yes it is important for women to be at the forefront, just as it is important for African American's to be at the forefront and if you just happen to be the first woman or African American to be at the forefront that is a wonderful thing, but as Barack stated in his acceptance speech, "this isn't about me, its about you". What is best for the greater good is what should prevail.

As I thought more about the importance of this election, meaning, not who will be the first, but who will be the one to make the needed change in America, I started to think about the black vote. It is true that people who have never been interested in politics or voting in elections have become interested and will be casting their votes this November, but what about those who's vote could be that extra push for change that the country needs, but they have no idea where their place is in politics and society as a whole? These would be people who would be sort of like an Independent, only they have not taken a side not because they are still trying to figure out who is the better candidate, but because they have been stripped of their right to even have a say so. In case you haven't figured it out, I am referring to all of the people (mainly men) who are either currently in jail or who have done time in jail, but are now free. If you have been classified as a criminal (this could be drugs, murder, any kind of felony) you are denied the right to vote. Prisons are overflowing with black men who could be contributors to the black vote this coming election, but this is not an option.



Or so I thought, before watching a special called Locked Up: Ex-Cons & The Vote on BET the other day. Host Sampson Style shared his own story of being someone who was on the wrong path years ago, did time in a New York jail, and who is now a changed man, but one who is not able to truly function as a full citizen because of his past mistakes. He was on a quest to find out why the law still takes the right to vote from those who have done jail time, just who is effected by these laws and how the laws can be changed so that all votes can be counted. I sat in front of my television amazed when I found out that ex-cons can actually vote. Now, the fact that they can vote is not what amazed me, but the fact that rights can be restored to these men (and women), but they are not informed of this upon release and probably not upon completing parole or probation either. You see, in all of the states, except for two, regaining the right to vote is just a matter of paperwork once the person has completed their parole or probation. Style, a New Yorker was in disbelief upon learning that his vote will now count this November and so was rapper Snoop Dog when Style talked to him about California's laws. Snoop was unaware that the same goes for California and that his vote could count as well. Like I said before, I was completely amazed. Looks like "don't ask, don't tell" isn't just for the military.

If you have family, friends, associates, etc who have made mistakes in their lives that resulted in jail time and they are interested in regaining their right to vote, even if they aren't interested, you should really inform them so that they can get the ball rolling or become more educated about just how important they really are in society. This goes a little beyond just being about selecting someone for office, but becomes more about playing our own individual parts in making sure that everyone has equal rights. There is NOTHING worse than being granted a right that you don't even know you have and then missing out on the opportunity to exercise that right. Think about it.