I managed to get myself out to two temp agencies last week. It was an interesting experience. In the first meeting, I felt sort of like a day laborer, trying to prove that I was worthy enough to be chosen for "the job". I was sized up, via assessment tests, and found to be both under-qualified and unrealistic. Nevermind the fact that I have spent a considerable amount of time as a learner, thinker, and multitasker - being given tasks, developing road maps, and following through. And nevermind the fact that there is a little thing called "training" and another one called "instruction". Bottom line, I strongly feel that, in an area such as the temp agency, one should not be held so tightly to the all-knowing assessment test, especially when said test tests areas that were not previously required knowledge in previous positions and/or academics. The "assessment" isn't really an assessment at all, but rather a grade-school type standardized piece of shit, put together to make you compete against your own god-damned brain cells. I don't know about everyone else, but I hate feeling as though I am a rat on a fricken wheel. And my second bottom line - If I were to get an assignment, and I was asked to perform a specific function in MS Word or Excel, then I'd either figure it out or asked to be shown once and I'd take it from there. The fact that I was holding a certificate that stated that I typed 53 wpm, but scored a big 35 wpm on their test is further proof why standardized tests are pieces of shit and why I politely told Ms. Lady that I was worth more minimally than she was trying to tell me.

If my education level, and my experience didn't place me in a higher bracket of worth, I would have never been recruited by agency number 2, and offered a position that was paying a salary that would have made Ms. Lady burst into laughter. Not that my meeting with agency #2 was THAT much better, but at least I was actually meeting about a position that was already on the table, and "assessed" accordingly. Now, I'm waiting to hear back from them about whether or not I measured up. I'm hoping I did, because, mama literally needs a new pair of shoes. Holes are not sexy when they're in your shoes, especially during impromptu Bay Area rain and hail storms.

So, upon looking at the millionth job ad on craigslist, I decided to branch out and give Monster.com a try. I put "entry-level" into the search, because, that's what I'm looking for, and up pops a wing of Monster called Monster College. Apparently, this little subdivision is supposed to be chalked full of helpful advice to those who are still in college and to those who have just graduated. I did find some positions that were not listed on craigslist, which was nice. However, I spotted something interesting near the bottom of the site. Oh, I should probably mention that Monster College is kind of like a networking site, as in, it's one of Monster.com's communities where folks can join and share resources. So, anyway, I was scrolling along, and I noticed a quiz/trivia question...

Click on the image above to see what the question was and share your thoughts (if you have any).

You're in a clingy spiral of emotion and start to resent the man in your life because his busy schedule doesn't allow you to cling to him when you need to your partner/lover/spouse doesn't have a schedule that allows them to be there for you in the ways that you need? We're talking, schedule so busy that even the occasional night out has become a rarity. We're also talking, schedule so busy that free-time is equaling he-time and not WE time. Its all kinda leading me down a road of fantasizing about punching him in the throat, so I figured perhaps I should write about it. Not the details of my fantasy of punching him in the throat, but rather how I am feeling at this moment, which includes those feelings of wanting to...

Anyway...

Point blank. I'm lonely. Ok. That is the bottom line. I am in a routine of nothingness right now so its hard to be content with having very little to fill my days with. I want life to be back on a productive track, and I also want to reap the benefits of what it means to be in a relationship, which includes something called Quality Time. It could very well be that because I have more time on my hands than I usually do, and he has the same amount of time on his hands as he usually does, I would feel like I'm not being paid attention to. I get that. When you don't have anything to do and someone else does, you do feel a little left outta the loop. But, isn't it natural for a girlfriend or wife to feel this way if her boyfriend or husband has a career that keeps him away a lot, even if the girlfriend or wife has a million things to fill her day with? It seems that civil servitude (law enforcement, law, medicine, etc) almost always leaves families in its wake. The job must always come first, and the family must accept that. But just because the family accepts it doesn't mean they like it, or that its an easy process, or even that it gets any easier over time.

And still, its a bit more than that. There are still a lot of walls between us, we are still navigating our similarities and our differences, and we are still eager to act as individuals within a team. Wait, is that part of the problem here? Not fully understanding how to be a part of a team? Not fully understanding how not to loose yourself, what uniquely makes you You, when you choose to share your space and time with someone else? Not fully understanding the difference between compromise and change? Possibly.

Well, I got my first written response from the state. So, far, I think I have sent out 4 or 5 applications to various locations that have vacancies for the position that I tested for. Unfortunately, this particular location did not offer me an interview. I'm not too bent out of shape about it, perhaps because there are still locations that I am waiting to hear from. The way that the ranking system works is tricky, with some locations seeking the best of the best, meaning, they are only looking for folks who rank in the top 3. That wasn't me this time. We'll see what happens...

Seems like my life has been revolving around job search. Its really depressing. To sit around with nothing to do, in someone else's space - I have been bored out of my damn mind, and when I'm not bored, I'm depressed, and when I'm not depressed, I'm irritable - which is a symptom of depression - so, I guess I'm basically just frickin' bored and depressed the majority of the time. I did get out of the house Friday night to have a couple of drinks and some adult time with the mamas.

Its always nice to be in great company, and my UCB family is always great company. But now the weekend is over, and its back to focusing on trying to make things better.

I have been completely neglecting my business, but hopefully I will feel more like engaging in some yarn play soon. I am finishing up a pretty pink and white blanket that I am hoping to add to the shop by next week. Then maybe I can get started on the lavendar and white blanket, and maybe it will be the correct size when I am done! The pink and white blanket is less baby and more preschooler. I must have been crocheting with a tired hand. Its still a beautiful creation. I will show you all once I have some pictures.

How was your weekend? What's new?

My feet are burning. My back is aching. My home has been broken down and nearly packed up. My spirits are low... It just hasn't been a good week. I'm relieved to be making progress on my move, but it, paired with job search has drained me. I was disappointed this week by a faulty position that I had applied for. Everything looked great in print, but was everything but great in reality. My time was completely wasted and now its back to the drawing board. I'm beginning to lose hope that I will find anything that is right for me. Suddenly the echo of voices plays over and over in my head... I'm staying in school for as long as I can because there are no jobs out there... You should petition for another semester because its gonna be hard to find a job right now...

I try to look at the glass as half full, but can't help but see it as half empty. In my world, the glass is definitely half empty. All this stress is taking its toll.

I officially started the task of dismantling my home today. A place where I have been raising my daughter for the past 6 years. 7 boxes in and still not a hint of sadness. Even though the best of my friends - my family - reside here, and Miss J's friends - her family - reside here, the time has come for us to move on. The fact that some of said friends/family are also moving on has made this process easier for Miss J, because now, its not us who are moving away and leaving everyone behind, but a time of transition for many; she is able to see that this is a time that will come up for everyone who lives here.

I can not truthfully say that I am delighted to be leaving this home to move into my grandmother's, but its the option that a single mother without a job has. Either that or settling down in a shelter, which in some aspects would be a helluva lot better than moving to my grandmother's. At least there are beds in shelters. Anyways... I wont go there, I'll just say that I am trying to look on the bright side and let the cards fall where they may.

I was offered a position to become part of a company's online staff. I am in the process of completing the steps to accept the offer. During my time in school, I would have LOVED the opportunity to be able to work from home. Now, the opportunity has presented itself just as my home office is relocating to storage. Hopefully, should I become a part of the online staff, I will be able to set up shop at my grandmother's... and speaking of shop, I am also hoping that I will be able to carve out a space that is comfortable enough that I am still motivated to crochet. I am on a mission with my blankets and I don't wanna be detoured. I have business cards coming =).

Wow, looka here. 100 101 followers! How exciting. I'm glad you so desire to be privy to my rants, joys, struggles, accomplishments, failures, new ventures, and everything else that composes my disordered life. Moments are never too dull over here. Thank you for wanting to be here for each and every moment of it!

Half the week is gone and I have definitely not been lounging. I started the week off by continuing the process of applying for state jobs. I had to take an exam to gain eligibility for the positions that I am interested in. Working for the state of California is NOT a goal, but there are some positions that offer an independent work environment, a salary and some benefits, so I don't have anything to lose by making them an option... unless of course the state applies more cuts. The rate that my Kipenzi works, and the blood, sweat and tears that goes into his position makes me appreciate just how hard state workers grind. While not every state job is as challenging as his, right now, state workers are hanging on to their jobs by a thread, while being paid less for what they do, so I'm humbled by it all. I should find out the results of my state exam by next week.

In the meantime, I'll be working on stocking Baby Squares. I got my very first custom order yesterday! I was able to go out and get the yarns that I needed and I started working on it last night. I am so excited. Sometimes I don't feel like there is a need for what I do with yarn. The majority of the time I encounter people who either already have crocheters in their family or they just can't see paying a certain price for a handmade blanket. I am so grateful for a place like Etsy, and for friends who are eager to support me. Crocheting brings me a lot of joy and peace, so its great to be able to turn a passion into profit.

Life is still so fast paced, and I'm really trying not to let it run me over. I am reminding myself to take things one day at a time, one project at a time, one commitment at a time. Reminding myself that the S on my chest really doesn't stand for Superwoman, but for Self - preservation.

I've been waking up and going to bed with my Mac this week. Its like job search madness over here, jumping from screen to screen, this position and that. I'm finding some things that look good, but always looking for 'the next best thing'. I know that I will need to get to work on tackling the list of possibilities soon, and I think I'm almost there. I'm not exactly idly creating a list though, I've been applying for some positions with the state (which in hindsight seems like the dumbest idea EVER since the state of California is still basically on its way to hell!) and have an exam for one position on Monday. They don't call this a "process" for nothing.

Then there is this whole moving thing. I have a month to pack up my house and get to steppin'. As I look around, I keep telling myself that its not gonna be that difficult to get things packed up. That I don't have that much stuff. I'm gonna keep telling myself that as I go through this place doing all the pre-pack work.

Change is on the horizon.

The non-stop and the fast paced. That was life's course today. I devoted some time to getting a few things done. I managed to complete the first steps in applying for another job. A much better position than the one I would have settled for. My Kipenzi showed me that he was on Team Barbara by generating some leads for me. I really appreciated it. I don't exactly have a specific direction that I am heading toward career wise, but from the information I gave him about my likes/dislikes and will/will-not-do, he was able to find me something that I am comfortable with. We'll see what happens.

The rest of my day was spent laughing with friends, which I really needed. We now have the 411 on what happened to Miss J's grandmother, and luckily, her boyfriend was charged with her murder. I hope that he is prosecuted and gets the punishment that someone would deserve for senselessly stabbing someone to death. Her funeral service will be on Thursday and I haven't shared this information with Miss J yet. I had her try on a new dress that she has in her closet, and when she asked where we were going, I told her that I would tell her later. I don't know why I always do this. I'm always nervous about telling her that someone passed away, even though, each time, she handles the news far better than I think she will. I know that she will handle the news well, but I guess the whole process of explaining to her that her dad's mother died is a little weird for me. I will probably have the talk with her tomorrow when we are settling into our after school routine.

The professor who was overseeing my thesis once told me that. These days, I'm putting it into practice. I decided to pass on going to the interview today, with the option to call and reschedule at a later date. I just couldn't fully make the commitment or waste my time, and theirs, by going through the motions today. I've been searching and researching more opportunities and I am sure that I will "get in where I fit in" when the time is right.

I got my application submitted for junior college and now its all a matter of working out a few kinks in their generalized requirements and getting enrolled in the math class. At this late date, I am really hoping that the class isn't full. That would really be irritating. Completely my fault, but irritating nonetheless. On the other hand, if it were full and I did have to wait yet another semester (God forbid) it would only give me complete freedom to choose a job position without time restraints, which could mean the difference between part time and full time. We'll see how it all goes down in the next few weeks.

"Parents and teachers are absolutely infuriated with the district, but officials say they have no choice but to sell off its school buildings in order to get the cash it so desperately needs... 13 West Contra Costa County schools are on the chopping block. The list includes Kennedy High School, two middle schools, and 11 elementary schools."

As I tuned in to C-Span2 30 minutes early to catch Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech, I was amazed at the power and weight that New Media now holds in our society. I know that every major media publication and news station has a website and I also know that the world of blogging has really expanded, but I guess I never really focused my attention directly on the possibility of "blogging" being considered real "journalism".

Rewind to last year, as I realized that soon I would be a college grad, who still had no real idea of what career path I would be heading down. I left high school with journalism in my heart, but over the last 5 years, that fiery passion has dwindled. With the demands of life, motherhood and academia there isn't much time left over for personal creativity. However, thinking back to the love that I had as a child for writing, and of the particular roles that writing has played in my life, I also realized that I have always been and probably always will be a journalist at heart. In the sixth grade, I wrote for a monthly newsletter that my elementary school created, called What's Up Peres, attended the Bay Area Black Media Conference more than once, and wrote a book with two friends called The Golden Egg. Once I got to high school the passion for journalism was made that much stronger by the introduction of the Multimedia Academy that was set up. There I tried to get a newsletter started, but due to lack of resources (printing press, failed promises by adults who were in positions to help us, etc) it never happened, so my interest shifted from just being print to a broader sense of everything that multimedia encompasses. We were able to have our very own daily radio show that we shared with other high schools in our district, I created a couple of personal movies and even got the opportunity to interview and work with some political figures at the state capitol in efforts to get the state to forgive debt that our school district was currently in.

Looking back at how much writing has contributed to my life, you would think that getting a Masters in Journalism and going off and getting a job in media would be the next step. I did too when I was a college freshman, but then life happened, and now I am wondering what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I revisited the idea of applying to UC Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism under the assumption that I would be interest in pursuing a career in Magazine writing. When I was a teen I use to love to read Seventeen Magazine, but would get frustrated when I was unable to connect to certain sections, such as hairstyles and things like that. I wanted to start a teen mag geared toward black girls so that I and others could feel more included. But as I said, that was a loooong time ago, when the zest of creativity was fresh and I knew EXACTLY what my future held for me. These days, I figured maybe I'd get a Masters in Magazine writing and then try to get on the Essence staff or something like that... until I took a look at the Graduate School of Journalism website and discovered New Media as a new journalistic possibility.

Now, fast forward back to Day 3 of the Democratic National Convention and me tuning in to C-Span2 30 minutes early to catch Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech. C-span was interviewing a blogger who was onsite at the convention's Blogger Headquarters, which was a tent set up by Google for state and national bloggers. There were over 100 bloggers coming and going through out the tent, sharing stations and bandwidth, free sodas and beers, covering the DNC on their blogs. I found this to be super cool. To be able to be right in the middle of the action like that, and not with a tv camera and a microphone, but with an ordinary laptop and an extraordinary network, lets me know that New Media definitely rules right now. Although I am not in a hurry to complete any grad school applications right now and probably wont for another year, the fear of truly rekindling my passion for writing and taking it on as a career is slowly starting to lift.

Who knew that filling out a job application would be so difficult and time consuming? I can't even remember the last time that I did this since my last job was accepted through a Myspace email, and the two before that consisted of working with family... no applications, resumes or cover letters involved. Is the fact that I have been a student waaay too long showing much? Well if not, the fact that I have not updated my resume since August 2006 should definitely be proof of my professional student status. After giving my current financial situation some long thought and working extremely hard to convince myself that despite the fact that my potential future wage is 3 bucks less than my previous job, I guess there would be a few benefits to having an on-campus job if I were offered the position. I would spend less money on gas by taking the bus up to campus (which I do 90% of the time), I would have guaranteed flexibility that would allow my work schedule to fit with my class schedule and I would get back a little of my security in knowing that I will have earned income coming in. I am starting to see how these pros just might outweigh the wage con.

Going back to the actual job application, its not just an application, its more like an application packet. This, I am NOT use to. I am use to picking up a one to two page application, filling it out and then returning it along with my resume and waiting to be contacted for an interview. This time, the application is 3 1/2 pages and I must also provide my resume, a reference letter and a cover letter, which I have never ever written before. I have heard the term "cover letter", but written one... nope, because again, remember my most recent jobs have not required this. Welcome to the real world Ms. Bar B. I started getting anxiety just thinking about having to first find out what the heck a cover letter even really was and then writing one, so I decided to start with my resume. It should be pretty easy to just update my resume right? I mean, I have only had one job since then so just go in, add it and that's it. WRONG. As I looked over my past job experience, my objective and just the entire look of the resume I felt that it needed more than just an update, it needed an extreme makeover. I quickly opened up my web browser and hurried over to SASSY to look at an old post that offered tips on producing a good resume. I realized that I really don't have as much experience as I thought. I have been "working" since the age of 15, but these positions just constitute as a certain kind of experience in a certain area, they did not allow me the opportunity to really contribute to the company. So much so, that I also realized that I have never really developed a concrete employment goal and why would I since my major job search would not be coming until after I had my degree. This led me to look at another post from SASSY that talked about the importance of cover letters and what your objective should NOT say.

After learning that I should not be say that "I am looking to gain experience" I wondered what I should be saying. I have been stating that line since I first learned how to create a resume. I have limited experience in areas so doesn't letting the employer know that I am looking to gain more experience covey the message that I am willing and able to fully apply myself if given the position? WRONG. According to Monster.com, the point of the objective is to sell yourself as an asset to the company that you are applying to. But how can I sell what I don't have?? I thought. After spending a good 30 minutes trying to answer that question, I realized that I had already answered it just by considering applying for this position. I have spent the last 18 months working as a part time Marketing Department Manager (I use the term "manager" because I was the only member of the Marketing Department) distributing marketing materials to over 1200 companies, maintaining the company's database and other clerical and administrative duties. Now I can sell that! Since I am applying for the position of Production Assistant I played up the fact that I would be mainly producing and distributing in this position. As my objective I said, "experienced mass distribution manager pursuing the position of Production Assistant and eager to contribute to the University of California, Berkeley". What do you think? Did I truly sell myself here for this particular position or have I sold myself short?

With a more contemporary look to my resume and a customized fit to the position that I am applying for I am left to complete the cover letter, where the real selling happens. I am suppose to really get down to the nitty gritty of why they should hire me for the position. I think I will be able to do that now that I see what I DO have and that it IS indeed valuable. Just in case you are as I was: HAVING NO IDEA WHAT A COVER LETTER LOOKS LIKE, Monster.com broke it down for me paragraph by paragraph and they even give some examples too. I will keep you posted on if I am contacted for an interview.