Just completed a new version of my Maze blanket for the nursery of a friend's newborn son. Remember the two blankets that I told you I sold before the end of the semester? Well, this is one of them. Blue and chocolate brown. The other will be a pastel green and yellow one for another little boy due in July. And I am still working on Miss J's all pink blanket that she has been hounding me to finish.

Hopefully, one day I will be moving these blankets off my couch for pictures and onto a more appropriate prop, such as a crib, or nice chair. For now, the couch will have to do because I'm not sure how long I will be holding on to this one, and because I plan on packaging it tomorrow and once its wrapped it'll stay that way until its owner unwraps it. I'll will fold it in a signature fold, wrap it in tulle, which is much better than celophane, then tie with an "Its a Boy" ribbon. It looks beautiful in my mind, we'll see how it looks once I start getting creative.

This is one of my favorites from Michael Jackson, along with Scream, Jam, Remember the Time, and the list goes on and on... right over in my bTunes... and that doesn't even cover the scope of what I love about the King of Pop. I remember watching the movie Moonwalker (which people are now trying to cash in on over at Amazon!) over and over throughout my 5th grade year because my teacher was very big on music and performance arts back then. We sat in front of the tv in awe and I remember even borrowing the movie from my teacher because I loved it that much.

I can also remember ordering Michael Jackson magazines and taking out all of the posters and covering my walls with them. And this comes from someone who was born in 1984! That's the beauty of Michael's talent and influence, it transcends time. His music has remained relevant and with each new generation his legacy strengthens.

We love you Michael for sharing your gift of entertainment with us. You will be greatly missed.

Although I remain Twitter resistant, at any given time, I have an abundance of tweet-worthy thoughts dancing around my head in intervals. So, today I'm borrowing T. Allen-Mercado's Not Quite Twitter creation to cyber-think aloud. Feel free to jump on board, T has given us her permission.

- I had my first day of Precalculus today and I sat there staring at the equations as if they were a foreign language. To folks in the humanities and the social sciences, THEY ARE! I haven't taken a math class in 7 years, and while I actually enjoyed Geometry and Algebra and Math Analysis, but a lot has happened since those days, its taking me a minute to get back into arithmatic mode.

- Miss J's dad, other half, sperm donor started inappropriately texting me again. The usual "lets be together/we need to be together/come be with me." I didn't respond, nor did I bother to answer his phone calls this weekend. And then today, he sends me a picture of his brand new baby boy. I guess that would explain why he offered to give me full custody of his daughter in exchange for not having to pay child support. Sooooo, he wants to save his money and put it toward his newest investment?

- Wow, Chris Brown was offered and accepted a plea deal? And was given 5 years probation and no jail time for what he did to Rihanna? Really?

- I'm indecisive about growing my hair out. One minute I wanna keep it short, the next minute I am loving my curls... I'm getting my 4th hair cut on Wednesday. I think I'm gonna go short and sassy for the summer and then break out my curling gel and afro pick come fall.

That's all for now. What's on your mind?

Yes Miss J. I am fully aware that you think its summer and you'd much rather be at the beach, go to Chuck E Cheese's, steer clear of the summer after-school program, have daily play dates, pick out a new bike and ride it daily, take trips to visit family... daily, get out of the house to go ANYWHERE... DAILY! That just ain't reality for you and me. Since I have to be in class at 8 AM five days a week, and three of those days I'll be leaving class at 6pm, that means you'll need to spend your summer days eating well, reading books, and playing with friends at the summer after-school program. I'll trade with you if you want. You can read these chapters in my math book, and try to figure out what the hell x + or - this or that is. Or you can dive right into this social theory. No?

The invention of summer classes should be blasphemous. And I need my butt kicked for leaving math til the last possible second. Its the equivalent of being a high school senior in a class with all freshmen. What can I say? I'm not alone in doing this. Summer time is usually chalked full of super seniors trying to get those last few units completed. There aren't exactly any rules to finishing college except that you simply finish. I gotta tell you though, my walk was extra heavy as I trekked through the math building looking for room #6. I did NOT wanna go this morning. I too, am having issues with the realization that life is still at full speed when I need it to be on cruise control. Like Miss J, I'd much rather be in bed, veg out, hit the beach, read books that haven't been assigned by an authority figure, and make some money for God sakes.

If I'm lucky, come mid-August I'll be on my way to having completed these things... preferably in that order.

Missing in action, oh yes, I have been. Special thanks to an idle mind and a broken ethernet cable. I got it all rigged up right now just to be able to connect to the net. Rigged up, like wrapped-around-my-laptop-to-create-enough-tension-to-keep-the-cable-from-falling-out-of-the-computer type of rigged up! I can periodically steal borrow my neighbor's wireless connection, but I'm not trying to be posted in front of my living room window, standing on one leg, swaying back and forth, JUST to be able to get a strong signal. Nah... not happening, so here I am, stuck with the ghetto set up until I can either get me a new ethernet cable or invest in a wireless router and go "unplugged" like the majority of folks these days.

Me and technology are kinda at odds right now come to think of it. Miss J separated me from my ipod. Seems while I was napping the other day she wanted to hear some tunes and went a little overboard with the wheel turning and button pushing. Now, my ipod is locked with a security code that I don't have access to, because, we all know that a 6 year old couldn't possibly remember the code she chose to lock her mother's ipod with. Especially after hiding it once the deed was done. I haven't tried it yet, but the failure of holding down the MENU and middle buttons at the same time in an attempt to reset, tells me that I am gonna have to clear everything in order to be able to get back in... at least I hope that will work. I am asking myself if I want a blank ipod or do I want one that I can't listen to anyway? Thank you child of the corn!

1. All children alarm their parents, if only because you are forever expecting them to be little angels every second or every day.

2. Show me a good loser and I will show you a person who likes to win only for the benefit of others.

3. Good sex is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs at one time.

4. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy trying to remodel old structures and trying to clean up all the messiness.

5. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine holding down a job while being a student and parenting solo.

6. It is impossible to think of any good meal, no matter how plain or elegant, without sensing the aroma of the meal from memory or picturing the ingredients in it.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching movies from my bed, tomorrow my plans include reading and some possible TLC and Sunday, I want to get a good nights rest so I can rise bright and early for my first class of the summer!


To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

I was tagged by a new bloggy friend of mine, Angela, of Mom's Fortress of Solitude. I am suppose to:

1. Go to your photo files... Select the 6th photo folder
2. Select the 6th photo in the folder
3. Post that photo along with the story behind it
4. Then challenge 6 blog friends to do the same

Since I am always posting pictures, you have already seen the 6th photo in the 6th folder AND the 6th photo in the 5th folder AND the 6th photo in the 4th folder!! So, I'm gonna cheat a little and post the 4th photo in the 7th folder...


Just for all of you Cars fanatics out there. My friend's son LOVES the movie Cars. He has everything Cars. His slippers, his chair, his overnight bag just to name a few items in his little collection. So, naturally, his birthday party and cake would be Cars themed. I fell in love with the detail of this cake. I'm a sucker for wowing birthday party guests with "the cake". When Miss J's birthday rolls around I always run right up to Baskin Robbins and put my order in for an ice cream photo cake.



Birthday #2 is missing because we had a Dora the Explorer theme that year and went with a Dora ice cream cake instead. These cakes are great. The only down side is that you have to be on schedule with getting your cake out and put away because too much time out of the freezer and your pretty design might end up being a puddle of colors. Notice the streak down the side of the 1st birthday cake.

My friend's cousin made the Cars cake. And she even made little individual cup cakes for the kids too.



(Note: When I posted this earlier I completely forgot to tag 6 people to join in, so I'll just leave the invitation open to everyone with a love of photography. If you'd like to participate and share your photo then go right ahead. Let me know that you did in the comments and I'll stop by to check it out!)

I don't wanna take them. AT ALL! Isn't there a way around this?

I met with my doctor today and she says that when the meds hit a plateau that means the dosage needs to be increased.

Question(s):

- Why did the meds hit a plateau after just 1 month?
- Does that really mean that the dosage needs to be increased or that this med just doesn't work for me?
- How many other meds do I need to go through and how many more dosage increases on how many more meds do I need to go through?
- So, my only two options are to take the meds and/or to make time to see a therapist?
- Why did you look at me sideways when I declined your prescription offer for the morning after pill?

Yes, that last question might seem a little random, but she gives me these all over mini life evaluations when I go in there. She keeps track of what I'm doing, how long I've been doing it, and who I've been doing it with, and where I'm taking it next. I even had to explain my damn thesis at this visit!! I guess it means she cares, but sometimes it gets on my nerves because she's constantly overbooked, and when I really have a list of things I need to discuss with her she doesn't have time to take care of me, but when I don't feel like talking or can't remember all the shit that has been ailing me, then she wants to lay in on me and get the low down on what's been going on.

Now, my new task is to keep a journal since I'm having trouble with my memory, so that she can decipher what's a side effect of the medication and what's "me". My lack of affect, paired with my memory issues, makes journal writing a good idea. Then, I'm suppose to get reacquainted with a therapist in the office that I tried to build a relationship with before. I'm tired of sitting around retelling my story to those who get paid to hear it. I don't wanna talk. I just want some solutions. And besides, I don't particularly wanna talk to him. I wanna talk to a woman. In a setting that I am comfortable in. Not one where I have sit in a tiny office and stick my daughter in a chair outside the door while I talk about her dad or all my other shit. Sigh...

This is the last week of Kindergarten for Miss J. Its been a wonderful experience thus far. She went in, an already bright child, and she will emerge that much more ready for the world. I can't believe that she will be a 1st grader come Fall. I sat and stared at her today. Just taking in her spirit as she sat on the couch lost in one of her favorite tv shows, snacking on Oreos. She's a complete little person. I think I'm having a hard time internally, accepting the fact that she isn't a baby anymore. She's not a toddler, not even a "Kindergartener" anymore. But a complete little person; with her own mind and desires.

In the blink of an eye. I have a little lady on my hands.

This year I played it low key. I usually go all out with a themed party and entertain about 20 kids. Now that Miss J is in Kindergarten, I decided that we should switch things up a little. We agreed to take goody bags and leis to her class since the school was also having an Aloha themed potluck that night, and then have cake at home after. We had a lot of fun. It was literally an all day celebration, I am still recovering today!

You know we couldn't go to an Aloha themed potluck without the proper attire. And Miss J worked it too...

Part 1

Part 2

(I completely forgot I had a video feature on my camera... and then I had to figure out how to use it, haha)

First of all, if you aren't a House fan, there is something terribly wrong with you. I LOVE this show! I can't recall when I was first won over, but House's sarcasm, brilliance, and the way that he interacts with his team is all priceless. Here's a man whose main concern is which ever questionable illness case file happens to end up on his desk and whose primary focus is to solve puzzles. He has no affection for anyone other than his boss Lisa Cuddy, and bestfriend James Wilson, and even then, its a dysfunctional "House" kind of affection that leaves both Cuddy and Wilson hating that they love him so much. To most of his patients and his co-workers, Dr. Gregory House is a straight asshole, but deep down, he's just a man who spends his days working toward not letting his pain overtake his passion. I know one thing, if I had a mystery diagnosis, I'd want the Vicodin popping, antisocial, self centered doctor on call.

My love for and understanding of how Hugh Laurie's character operates brought about an epiphany concerning my Ex. As time moves forward the term "Ex" may grow to be an inappropriate way of describing him, so I'm gonna refer to him as my Kipenzi (lover/darling) instead. My favorite word in Swahili is "kupenda" which means to love; I love him, so it fits.

Back to the ephiphany...

My Kipenzi and I met back in 2004, and since our first date, our relation to each other has been interesting. We had intelligent and meaningful conversation, many things in common and a genuine attraction to each other that transcended the sexual. He had goals and aspirations, as did I, and he was working toward making his dreams a reality, as was I. We could have made a great team, and I wanted us to, but each time we grew closer he'd pull away for reasons unknown to me.

Things continued this way for years. A triangle of togetherness-love-time apart. We'd come together time after time and for whatever reason just never seem to work out. We spent a lot of time together, but never truly knew each other, not the way that we should have. All due to inaccurate communication and old fashion fear on both our parts of getting too close. Just that simple.

How does House fit into all of this? Well, during our quest to make things work, I was in my own world and he was in his. Our birthdays are 6 days apart, so there are times when we are one in the same, which, as you can imagine, is a problem. I often felt that he was very self-centered and inconsiderate when it came to my feelings. I was emotional and he couldn't relate because he didn't handle his feelings/issues/whatever in the same ways that I did. I felt that I was playing the fool. That deep down, he was just like Miss J's dad in his thinking and interactions with me. Ironically, he felt the same way about me. That I didn't take his feelings into consideration, didn't really respect him and his unique personality. Turns out, that just like Dr. House, we were both fighting day to day to not let our pain overtake us.

He was a gunshot victim at age 15, and as a result, he lives in constant physical pain with a bummed leg, just like the cynical Dr. House. As my Kipenzi and I came back together recently to work on "us", his improved self was a bit of a shock to me. I wanted to know what was really up with this newly sensitive and highly compassionate Kipenzi. According to him, this side of him has always lived within. Really? I have to say, I liked it. As we started to court each other and get to know each other as we should have years ago, the epiphany hit. What if, like Dr. House, my Kipenzi was just a man who'd been shaped by his physical pain? Like House, my Kipenzi has been shot, relies on pain killers to dull his pain, walks with a distinctive limp, and despite how he comes off to people with his attitude and guarded nature, he really is a great guy. I can admit that I have been shaped by my mental pain. I'm still in the beginning stages of this epiphany, so for now, my Kipenzi and I are taking things slow. We know what the fast paced leads to. Perhaps things will evolve differently between us this time around.

That's what I tried to give them.

That is what I always find myself trying to give them.

Can somebody please explain to me what would make an aunt promise her niece that she'd be there on graduation day, and never show up? Now, explain to me what would make TWO aunts do this!

I gave them a choice of which ceremonies to attend.

Busted my ass trying to make sure that I'd be able to use my credit card to purchase tickets just to get them in the door.

And there I was. Half-supported.

This is how they do me?

Not answering my phone calls or having the decency to call or text me to say they couldn't make it.

Selling me false hope the day they took the tickets out of my hand; reassured me that they had the directions; talked about putting gifts and flowers in my hand.

And there I was . Half-supported.


If you are reading dear aunt(s). I'd like you to know a few things. The first of which: THAT WAS FUCKED UP!!!! And highly unforgivable. It was MY day. It was suppose to be special. I wanted you to be there. I needed you to be there... because our family is but a fraction, and without you there was a vacancy and a cast over MY accomplishment. Not having you greet me at the stage with flashes going, flowers, or just a simple cheer was devastating. You ruined MY day!

One of you found it more important to go out and enjoy a boxing match, which I'm sure included getting pissy drunk, because that's how you always are... pissy drunk... because YOU are a pissy drunk! And all you could say is that you were sorry? You're sorry? You're sorry? You god damn right you're sorry. And I am sorry, that I share DNA with people like you.

One of you has left my calls, text messages, and emails unnoticed. But you haven't missed a day of talking to my grandmother, and mentioning that you needed to still call me. Well, its been 17 days and still NOTHING! Do you ever plan on explaining to me how you could lie to me in such a way? DO YOU?

Truth is, I shouldn't even be mad at ya'll... I should be mad at myself for continuously believing in ya'll, AND for allowing ya'll to dictate how I end up feeling about myself and what I have worked hard for. Its funny how family has that kind of power. How an action, a statement, can totally transform the way you see things. Well, fuck that! Right now I'm about to put my foot down!

YOU, no longer get the benefit of the doubt!

"happy pills have a way of numbing the passion it takes to string together thoughts and ideas"

I think Tameka was right. I wrote about my return to happy pills here, and since then, I've pretty much left them in the bottle. I refilled my prescription in hopes of restarting my routine today, but I'm just not so sure I want to. The Celexa started off ok. I didn't wanna give myself a placebo effect so I tried to view them as being sort of like a vitamin. That way, if I started to feel better, it wouldn't be because I desperately wanted the meds to work, but because they were working. I did feel a little better in terms of enjoying Miss J more, but it was semi-overshadowed by a roller-coaster of emotions. The ups and downs that first month brought had my doctor rethinking Celexa as a choice. Then, just like that, I was back to my old self again. Not the old self before depression and ill feelings because that self is never old, but back to my natural state of being irritably depressed. It was then that I missed a day's dosage, which turned into a few more day's dosages, which turned into me having a day of the jitters like a dope fiend.

I'll be seeing my doctor next week to see what the next steps should be, and I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about me suddenly stopping, but then again, I always suddenly stop when I feel like I'm wasting my time so I'm sure she's probably used to it by now. I've made the decision that I should just wait until I see her before cracking open that bottle back open and diving into the next 30 days, just in case we both decide that I should move on to the next drug or try yet another approach. You know, I'm starting to feel like there is some part of my brain that is un-fixable. I feel like "this" just is and I just need to figure out ways to make it work for me instead of against me. We'll see what happens...