Its my 44th day on drugs. Drug of force choice? That would be Celexa. I've been on the Celexa trip before, back after giving birth to Miss J. My pregnancy was great physically, but mentally? Now that was a completely different story. Changing hormones, paired with a stressful home sittation, and then add in an inconsiderate boyfriend, on top of an already existent mental condition... it was enough to land me in therapy. With a very good therapist might I add. One that didn't just sit across from me and agree with how fucked up my life actually was, or repeatedly ask me how I make it from day to day, or pick their jaw up off the floor long enough to ask me when my book was coming out, after hearing my story. Nope, she provided insight, guidence, and a bit of her own life story as a way of helping me effectively work through my issues. It was great! But then, I went back to school, which required me to relocate to a different county, which resulted in me losing her as a source of support. Enter: Celexa.

After my insurance company's discontinued coverage of the drug and my trails and errors with Paxil and Prozac, I swore off drug therapy for good. Why commit myself to my doctor's pet drugs when they did nothing but make me wanna sleep all day. Hell, I could do that without the drugs! And besides, drugs don't cure depression all by themselves. Its a collective effort between drug and behavioral therapy (which I could never find time in my single mommy - full time student schedule for). So, I made the decision to fight depression naturally. To let it just run its course; to just have its on space; to just come and go as it pleased. This may seem like a brilliant idea in theory. Not so much in practice, especially when you choose to do it alone.

To most, I am a very easy going person. Very friendly and likable. Somewhat shy and withdrawn at times. But for the most part, a decent and loyal human being. To the public that is the mask that I wear, and once behind closed doors, the mast is discarded and the terrified, insecure, severly depressed, often suicidal, irritable, traumatized, needy and helpless feeling, life skill-less Barbara emerges. The Barbara that is always sad and in hiding from the world. The Barbara who hasn't yet found her place, her calling, and wonders if there even is such a place or calling set aside for her. The Barbara who has been abandoned due to the natural cycle of life and death. The Barbara who muffles her cries and silently begs for someone with a warm and compassionate heart to want to lend their helping hand just as much as she needs to accept it.

A very tormented way to live exist.

Realizing that my mental state was in a scary place, I had to think long and hard about just what to do about it. I desire a specific type of behavioral therapy, from a therapist who is trained in very specific areas and from a specific background, which takes time and energy to pin point. So then, do I just give in and accept the drugs? Things were at a point where I felt like I had no choice but to do so. Things had started up again with Miss J's dad, its an absolute must that I finish up my classes this year and move past this life that I have been rooted in for the past 7 years, and what about my relationship with my daughter? Truth is... I love her to death, but I grew to not like her... AT ALL. Life definitely could not continue on this path... its just not me... or at least, I wish it wasn't me.

So, here I am. Going on a journey that I have taken before, in hopes of becoming a better me, for me, and for my little girl. As a result, I have been able to show my love to her, the way that I used to. The way that I do when I am not stuck inside myself and feeling like life is unlivable. There have been some very bad days and there have been some fantastic days, within this 44 day period. We will see what the next 14 days brings me and if my unconventional brain will finally strike a happy balance. Stay tuned...

1. Apparently there's some sort of mix up.

2. A happy day is a sunny day.

3. 2009 has been extremely interesting, to say the least, so far.

4. I asked a question, he gave an answer, and that was it.

5. For too long I've been just merely existing; I hope to start "living" soon.

6. I am not obsessed with my big boobs; I am not!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to celebrating my birthday and the birthday of a friend's brother taking in some Mexican wrestling, exotic dancing, and comedy... all under the same roof (yeah, don't ask how I got myself into this one), tomorrow my plans include either a night out of Karaoke with the Cal mommies or a night in with some birthday cake and Sunday, I want to finish up some reading and spend some quality time with Miss J!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

This past Easter weekend, Miss J and I went to an event that is held each year in the Bay Area called Eggster. We enjoyed checking out all the booths that were set up on the UC Berkeley campus, which provided artistic activities and cool science projects and information. Cal's Student Parent Association for Recruitment & Retention, also known as SPARR, even coreographed a moonwalk station for the kids that encouraged them to collect as many moon rocks as they could (which were really silver painted plastic eggs filled with treats). I trailed Miss J, arms overflowing with art project after art project, and mini basket of plastic egg after plastic egg, as she gathered with friends and had her knowledge tested on dental hygiene at a booth that was giving free floride treatments to the children and another booth that had human organs on display.

Miss J was fascinated with the two lungs and the two very different livers that lie in a tray in a shallow bath. She put on two latex gloves and identified which of the livers was healthy and which of the lungs was unhealthy. Falling even more deeply fascinated with her discovery of the connection between the unhealthiness of the lung and smoking. I've had these talks with her before about smoking and its affects, as she has tried to understand why, if smoking is so bad, that her aunt does it. Well, she got a chance to school asked her.

As if I had not already eatten enough ham, greens, yams, potato salad, corn bread muffins and banana pudding at my own house during Easter dinner, I whipped up a couple of plates and headed over to my sister in-law's house to collect some of her bbq ribs... which I had every intention on saving for the next day, but instead ended up savoring later that night. Anyhoo... as we were gearing up to leave, my sister in-law and a cousin decided to light up their cigarettes. Miss J advanced toward them talking and I began to over talking her, saying, "uh uh, come back this way. Talk to your Lee Lee from over here." As Miss J continued, my sister in-law couldn't make out what she was saying above the music and laughter that was going on in the house. So, I asked Miss J to tell me what she was trying to tell her aunt.

Miss J: Um... you remember the black stuff?

Me: Black stuff? What black stuff?

Miss J: From smoking?

Me: Oh! Yes (I say with a smile)

She turned and proceeded to tell her aunt about how, if she continued to smoke a lot, then her lungs were gonna be all black and brown and mushy and nasty, because smoking isn't healthy. And when you smoke your lungs become unhealthy. My sister in-law thought this information was hilarious coming from a soon-to-be 6 year old, and told her that what she had said was very true... then continued to puff on her cigarette.

1. Join me in deep thought.

2. Put a little excitement in your day!

3. Happiness is a slippery slop.

4. When I saw a toddler drop his pants and take a shit on one of the lawns in my apartment complex I was both shocked and confused.

5. I'm waiting for a sign.

6. Spending money while on campus is hard to resist.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finishing a paper, tomorrow my plans include taking Miss J to a book fair and Sunday, I want to work on "future possibilities" a little!

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click here.

I don't know about you, but I am really fed up with crime in general, but especially crime against women and children. I can only hope that one day, we will be able to send our children out into the world without the fear that they will never return. And trust those who are suppose to be officially trustworthy to provide love and care to our children instead of harm. My heart goes out to the family of Sandra Cantu and to their entire community because they have now experienced the unspeakable.

I am personally having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that the accused holds an important position within the church, but then again, I do think that many of us STILL are in denial that within all of us lie demons. We can not hold people up as deities when they are but flesh & blood, just like us. Not to say that we should have to go around with our children tied to us 24/7 or that we should be looking over our shoulders and watching our backs at every turn... but should we?

What are your thoughts?

I was over at Tea N Honey Bread today and learned all about a great take on Pay-it Forward, which is one of the greatest gestures of kindness ever. This random act is known as Craft-it-Forward, where you pay-it-forward through art. It doesn't take a lot to do or major artistic skill. We all are creative in our own ways and by crafting-it-forward you will get to showcase your creativity by making something homemade.

If you are ready to get crafty and share your art, here's all that you need to do...

• Be one of the first 5 people to leave a comment, then email me your name and address.
• Get something homemade just for you created by my hands.
• Blog all about how to Craft-it-Forward
• Then craft and share.

That's it... see, I told you it wasn't going to take a lot to do it. Just a little bit of creativity and kindness, which you already have! If you don't happen to make it in the first 5 and you still want to participate go right ahead. Blog about Craft-it-Forward and brighten someone's day.

Just think. We would have been celebrating a lot sooner had I not fallen off the face of the earth. Don't worry, I'm semi-back now, and with good news to share...

First, I bought my cap & gown last week, along with a hat and extra tassel for Miss J so that she can get all dressed up and walk the stage with me. Since her school isn't doing a Kindergarten graduation we're gonna kick it up a notch. These ceremonies will prove to be some of my grandest memories as I'll retell the story to her as she grows, look back at the photos and realize just how much of a role model I truly was to my child, and that I laid the ground work for her to move forward in life. I did that! All me! I am so grateful to have been a parent while at Cal. I couldn't have become a mother at a better time. Because of my opportunity, I was able to pass along vital lessons and opportunities to my baby. It just doesn't get any better than that ya'll.

I created some photo announcements through Vista Print and I am looking forward to loading up the mailbox, which for now, will be the equivalent of me shouting from the rooftop that I've made it! Though I still haven't quite figured out what comes next, I'm ready to move on to the next stage of life. And not a moment too soon, since I'll be turning 25 in 7 days! And Miss J will be turning 6 in 53 days! We are both getting old. Don't get me wrong, I know that with age comes wisdom. I accept that. I don't have a problem turning 25... I just have a problem having a 6 year old. What happened to my baby? Where did she go? She's so independent, and so... her, that one day I am gonna reach for her and she's gonna tell me in a sweet voice that she doesn't need me anymore. Because that's just the type of person she is. The kind that will choose a college on the other side of the world just to get the hell away from mom, and as far away from mom as humanly possible.

Ahhhh... kids. Speaking of which, have a look at Thing 1 and Thing 2...


Talk about growing up fast! They are sitting, rolling around the house in their walkers, pulling up, crawling, fighting with each other, extremely concerned when the other cries, has to have as many turns in the lap as the other, and I am sure the list goes on and on. What still shocks me the most about these two though is their personalities. While Thing 2 is now growing curly hair in a mohawk like her sister, Thing 1 is growing teeth. 5 OF THEM!! Like, how the heck does a kid grow 5 teeth in like a month?? I was super shocked. Got little Miss Thing 2 playing catch up in that department as she is still gumming her food.



Miss J and I hope to one day be blessed with a little play mate of our own... one day soon might I add, because as much as I am wishing that I could slow Miss J's growth process, I DO NOT wanna be looking at someone else for like, another 10 or 12 or 14 years after Miss J has left the nest. Uh uh, nope. So yeah, Ms Bar B is also putting in some work in the love department this year.... more on that later.

I hope that everyone has a happy and very blessed Easter Sunday. Seems like each year our holidays stray further and further from family tradition, but all is well, once the family matriarch dies, often so does family tradition. Instead of spending my morning in a Sunday service I'll be spending it cuddled up in bed. And instead of my grandmother slaving over the stove trying to cook a meal while hoping that all of her ungrateful children will join together as one big happy loving family, I'll in turn, do the slaving just for her and never think twice about those who just don't matter as much anymore.