I haven't participated in Friday Fill-Ins in a while so I decided to go ahead and jump in on the fun today. You can also participate if you'd like by clicking here.

1. When I'm sick I'm usually all doped up on cold medicine.

2. When I take a walk, I think about how good the exercise is for my body.

3. Money can't buy happiness but it can provide security.

4. Cotton makes me want to rub it across my skin and leather makes me want to scream when its hot.

5. The strangest person/character I've had lewd thoughts about was, I think his name is Bill Woodruff (a journalist who was in Iraq covering the War when the vehicle he was riding in ran over a bomb and half of his head was blown off). He had a remarkable recovery and is back investigative reporting. I don't know, there is something about a man who has had his head blown off and then put back together that is just super sexy =).

6. My favorite color these days is purple because its pretty.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to the possibility of getting out of the house, tomorrow my plans include remembering to do my homework and Sunday, I want to think about going to the beach on Monday!

[note: My friend over at Zen Ventures reminded me that I forgot to answer #5, so Maricris, #5 is just for you ;)]

As I tuned in to C-Span2 30 minutes early to catch Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech, I was amazed at the power and weight that New Media now holds in our society. I know that every major media publication and news station has a website and I also know that the world of blogging has really expanded, but I guess I never really focused my attention directly on the possibility of "blogging" being considered real "journalism".

Rewind to last year, as I realized that soon I would be a college grad, who still had no real idea of what career path I would be heading down. I left high school with journalism in my heart, but over the last 5 years, that fiery passion has dwindled. With the demands of life, motherhood and academia there isn't much time left over for personal creativity. However, thinking back to the love that I had as a child for writing, and of the particular roles that writing has played in my life, I also realized that I have always been and probably always will be a journalist at heart. In the sixth grade, I wrote for a monthly newsletter that my elementary school created, called What's Up Peres, attended the Bay Area Black Media Conference more than once, and wrote a book with two friends called The Golden Egg. Once I got to high school the passion for journalism was made that much stronger by the introduction of the Multimedia Academy that was set up. There I tried to get a newsletter started, but due to lack of resources (printing press, failed promises by adults who were in positions to help us, etc) it never happened, so my interest shifted from just being print to a broader sense of everything that multimedia encompasses. We were able to have our very own daily radio show that we shared with other high schools in our district, I created a couple of personal movies and even got the opportunity to interview and work with some political figures at the state capitol in efforts to get the state to forgive debt that our school district was currently in.

Looking back at how much writing has contributed to my life, you would think that getting a Masters in Journalism and going off and getting a job in media would be the next step. I did too when I was a college freshman, but then life happened, and now I am wondering what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I revisited the idea of applying to UC Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism under the assumption that I would be interest in pursuing a career in Magazine writing. When I was a teen I use to love to read Seventeen Magazine, but would get frustrated when I was unable to connect to certain sections, such as hairstyles and things like that. I wanted to start a teen mag geared toward black girls so that I and others could feel more included. But as I said, that was a loooong time ago, when the zest of creativity was fresh and I knew EXACTLY what my future held for me. These days, I figured maybe I'd get a Masters in Magazine writing and then try to get on the Essence staff or something like that... until I took a look at the Graduate School of Journalism website and discovered New Media as a new journalistic possibility.

Now, fast forward back to Day 3 of the Democratic National Convention and me tuning in to C-Span2 30 minutes early to catch Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech. C-span was interviewing a blogger who was onsite at the convention's Blogger Headquarters, which was a tent set up by Google for state and national bloggers. There were over 100 bloggers coming and going through out the tent, sharing stations and bandwidth, free sodas and beers, covering the DNC on their blogs. I found this to be super cool. To be able to be right in the middle of the action like that, and not with a tv camera and a microphone, but with an ordinary laptop and an extraordinary network, lets me know that New Media definitely rules right now. Although I am not in a hurry to complete any grad school applications right now and probably wont for another year, the fear of truly rekindling my passion for writing and taking it on as a career is slowly starting to lift.

Hey friends. I know I haven't known you all long enough to be calling on you for favors, but I could really use your help right now. Well... one of my friends could REALLY use your help right now. I would like to ask you all to pay my friend Round Peg, over at Medicine and Mishaps, a visit because you are in the perfect position to provide her and her family some much needed assistance. You see, Round Peg is the mother of a beautiful little boy who has had to have cranial surgeries since birth, the mother of a wonderful 3 year old who recently survived a fall from her 2 story staircase outside of their apartment, a sister to a now wheelchair bound brother who broke his back in that same accident by cradling his niece to ensure that he would hit the ground before her as the wood from the staircase suddenly gave way, a wife, a full time student and on top of all of that, Round Peg herself is recovering from surgery to repair torn stomach muscles.

I want to provide a little excerpt from her blog as she wrote about the accident involving her daughter and brother:

Monday evening, I got home before Needlenoggin and decided I'd like to take Rorysaurus downstairs and play with her there myself. My wife said she was going to go run some errands, so I was in charge of both kids, and Needlenoggin got home shortly after she'd left. I told Needlenoggin what the plan was and started to head out the back door to the old staircase that winds down the side of the old Victorian house we share with 3 other apartment units, while he was getting changed out of his work uniform and would join me momentarily.

I paused in heading out with the two kids, and decided Little Monkeyneeded something warmer, since it was getting on into evening, though still bright and sunny. Dressing a baby can take a few minutes, so -- God, I'm crying as I write this -- I turned back to dress him properly. I sat down in his room, and was snapping on his outfit when I heard the crash.

Neighbors were shouting, 9-11 got at least eight different phone calls. I looked out the back door and everything seemed normal, until I looked to my feet. The landing outside our door wasn't quite there anymore. It had become a trap door that swung open under Needlenoggin's weight. I looked down from our second story apartment and saw him bleeding and crumpled at basement level, and I had no idea where my daughter was. He'd picked her up and headed out the door, and she wasn't there.

Apparently, he had grabbed her close, tucked, and rolled to ensure that she landed on top of him. By the time I'd looked out the door, she'd gotten up and run to our neighbor's door for help. Scratches and bruises are all she got from it.

Right now Round Peg and her family are trying to push forward to the next steps in everyone's recoveries as her brother is due to be released from the hospital soon into her care, her baby son is currently in the hospital due to another surgery, her daughter is trying to recovery from PTSD, which she now has as a result of the accident. Not to mention that Round Peg is all stitched up and under strict orders to take it easy. In addition to all of this she is STILL responsible for producing work toward her degree. Due to the mountain of debt that their medical bills have created ($340,000), her degree is now in danger. She has entered a scholarship contest by producing a video that tells her story to the powers that be and explains to them why she NEEDS this money. If all of you can visit her page, watch the video and rate it that will put her one step closer to the first place prize that will help her get the degree that she is working ever so hard for. She is only 60 votes away... please help her get there.

I thank you all so very much!!

Its here! Its here! The day that I have been both secretly and openly preparing for since January. The 1st day of Kindergarten has come and with it, much happiness, a little anxiety and an infinite amount of pride. Yesterday I treated Miss J. to an evening at The Children's Place for some much needed size 6 jeans and other stylish goodies. She was very happy to be in one of her favorite stores, with three of her favorite people: me, my grandmother and my little brother. We walked away with 9 complete outfits, which includes 6 pairs of jeans with lots of room for growth. Last night before heading to bed I laid out all of the outfits across my bed and asked Miss J. which she'd like to wear for the first day of school. She proudly chose an all pink outfit and proceeded to remove all of the Size 6 stickers and I helped remove the tags. I put the rest of the outfits on hangers and showed them to their new home.

This morning, as I ran around the house reading a list of To-D0's The First Day of School, packing a lunch, tracking down a sweater and packing my own new Cal bag, I wondered if I would cry once I got Miss J. to her new kindergarten class. This is a very big moment in her little life, one that marks the beginning of all the years that will truly matter. I wondered if she would have any second thoughts about becoming a new kindergartener. I am happy to report that I did not shed a single tear (perhaps I was smiling too much to cry) and she couldn't be a more confident and ready kindergartener.

I told Miss J. to go to her drawer and get out her pink socks while I got her outfit out of the closet so that she could get dressed. The minute my hand grabbed the hanger of the pink shirt Miss J. stopped me with urgency in her voice, "No, wait wait!! I changed my mind, I don't wanna wear that one anyone, I wanna wear this one". "You mean the blue one", I asked. "Uh huh". "Alright then, get the white socks instead and your new shoes", I instructed. All went well and we were out the door.


Pants are nicely at the top of shoes were they should ALWAYS be.

And lunch bag is all packed and ready to go.


Once we got onto the campus and I remembered the direction of the kindergarten classes, we found ourselves outside of the three kindergarten classrooms surrounded by excited 5 year olds, picture taking parents and cubbies with name tags. Miss J. had already found her's the day before during orientation, but I helped her find it again. She was so excited that she did not want to hold my hand in the crowd or stay by my side once she saw her friend Miss L. I was able to keep her attention, just long enough for her to place her lunch bag and extra change of clothes in her cubby.


We lost Miss L. in the crowd so we decided to line up and wait for the teacher to open the door.

After getting a name tag, Miss J. joined her classmates and picked out a book to take to the rug to read until it was time for the teacher to hold their rug meeting.


The rest, as they say, is history. As I left the classroom Miss J. was eagerly engaged in raising her hand to be called on to answer questions from the teacher. Planted comfortably right in the front row. I left without any kind of signaling and went to go handle some mommy stuff with the rest of the parents. I think Miss J. has developed into quite the little academic, I guess she has had enough training with having spent the last 2 years in preschool. I can't wait to hear about all the new things, songs, friends and whatever else she will want to tell me about her 1st day.

Miss J: See mommie, that's Barack Obama.

Ms. Bar B: Yeah, I see.

Miss J: You know, a lot of people are voting for him.

Ms. Bar B: They are?

Miss J: Yeah. I love Barack Obama.


This was the conversation between Miss J. and I as she sat on my bed with her back turned to me as I added the last rubber band to her ponytail of two twists yesterday. Who knew that such a conversation could be shared with a 5 year old? I didn't think that politics were amongst the sandbox chatter these days, but I have been proven wrong. I discovered that she has been doing much more than just playing at her new before/afterschool program. She has been learning about things that are very important for her future, such as voting. I think the word "vote" shocked me more than the words "Barack Obama" coming from her lips. Vote? How does she know anything about voting? I wonder if she knows what voting means? I think we underestimate our children's potential very often. Now, we don't do this on purpose, we do it because we feel that some things are just too difficult for children "their age" to comprehend. We are afraid that by sharing certain things with them that we may be exposing them to areas of life that they are not ready for... that they just wont understand. I think that if we can get over these fears there is the possibility of raising much more well rounded individuals. As long as there is interest, I say go ahead and teach. Even The Children's Place thinks that grade school children should get a head start on learning about politics.

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME!

Finally brought myself to finish up my cover letter today. There wasn't really a rush since I already made up my mind to turn in the application on Monday. It wasn't as scary as it seemed. I tried to just make sure that I sold myself and hopefully that is enough to get me in the door. The only thing that I am worried about right now is if the position is still available. I have no idea how many openings there were. I think there may be a few since they offer 2 hr minimum shifts, this opens up many possibilities throughout a work week. I am also a little worried about turning in my application packet without the optional reference letter. It was recommended that it be turned in, but not required. Since I didn't make it to the baby shower yesterday I did not meet up with my friend who was going to be completing it for me and I was unable to reach her by phone. Rather than stress over it, I forced myself to shuffle the papers and focus on the other pieces of the application. All blanks are filled, resume is now updated, cover letter has been written and all are tailored to the position that I am applying for, so there is nothing else left that I can do except to turn it all in. Wish me luck.

In three days I will be beginning my last year as an undergrad and Miss J. will begin her first year as an elementary student. Wow, we are finally here. Time to jump right in to the next phases of our lives.

I am excited about school shopping for Miss J. This girl needs a whole new wardrobe, as you all saw from those Billie Jeans that she has been sporting. She is quite the little slim jim. Since we are not a family that has much money or one that tends to run toward high end brands, one of my favorite places to shop for Miss J. is The Children's Place. I am in LOVE with that place and she is too. They always send out 15% off coupons in the mail, have "2 for" sales and will always put out their new lines a season ahead of time so when the season actually comes all of the clothes are on sale. Again... I absolutely LOVE this store. I'd probably work there if there was one close to campus =). Here are a few outfits from each of this season's collections that I have my eye on for Miss J.








































Ok, so this is a little more than a few outfits, but with the prices and discounts we could probably get all of them and stay within our budget. The main things on my list are jeans, socks (which she never use to keep on her feet in preschool), underwear and shoes. Miss J. wants to stock up on leggings and tights, she loves them. They can really make an easy outfit too since the 80's fashion has made a come-back. Just throw on a pair of leggings and a long shirt or dress and you have yourself an outfit. The other great thing about The Children's Place is that they have different lines that are color coordinated so its very easy to get a few outfits and switch the pieces to make a bunch of different outfits. For example, from one of the looks above I could easily take the jeans from the dress and replace with leggings from another look. Cute outfits without emptying your bank account. For those of you with boys they have outfits that are just as cute and affordable.

Have a great Sunday evening and happy back to school shopping to those of you who will be tackling this soon.

Last night, I decided that I was not going to set my alarm clock for 8am like I had first planned. I was suppose to be going to a friend's baby shower today and I wanted to get up early so that I could do some blogging before getting Miss J. up. Instead, I didn't set my alarm at all. I took advantage of the fact that its Saturday and I slept in until around 11am. The baby shower was going to start at 12:30pm and go until 5:30pm, and although I HATE being late for anything, I thought that maybe I would leave home at 12:30 and get there by 1pm. Well, we got to the place where the baby shower was being held, but we did not get to go in because I completely forgot that there would be paid parking. The price was not severe at all, it was just a price that I could not afford to pay today. I was extra mad at myself for not taking the time last night to look at the invitation one last time to make sure that I had all of the details. I really wanted to be there to share my friend's joy of receiving cute little gifts for her first soon-to-be born. I was also mad at myself for driving all the way there JUST to drive all the way back home. Damn it! I put on makeup for nothing!! I could have waited until next week to wear this outfit, grrrr...

Before getting back on the freeway to head home I pulled over to call my bank to check my account balance. My financial aid package has been approved and the award money will be transfered over to my school account, which will pay all of my academic bills and then deposit the rest into my bank account as a refund. Wouldn't it be great if this had already happened somehow and then I could turn my little car around and go back to the shower as if nothing had ever happened?? Needless to say, that was wishful thinking, but obviously I was not wishing or thinking hard enough because my bank account was still as dry as it has been for the past 5 weeks. So I had no other choice but to say "just fuck it then, humph" and return home with a defeated look on my face. Miss J. started in with the interrogation: Are we going home? So we can't go to the baby's party? Grrrr, we never get to go anywhere!! I turned the music up and kept driving.

Once we were home there was a band playing live music in the courtyard behind our house so I asked Miss J. if she'd like to go to the park for a little while. While there, I decided to log in to my school account again for the 50th time this week to see if there was any change and low and behold there was, there was money! My financial aid had finally transfered over and paid all of my bills. $0.00 across the board. I couldn't stop thanking God as I stared at my SideKick in disbelief. The money hadn't been in there yesterday when I checked and I thought the financial aid office only operated during the week... oh yeah, that's right, everything is computer generated which is why everyone's life is made a living hell when the fricken money doesn't pay out on time! I asked Miss J. if she would like to go have some ice cream and she excitedly agreed. I grabbed my $9 in laundry money and we got back in the car. All of my stress just melted away with the vanilla ice cream and oreo cookie mixture on my tongue. I felt great when we left Baskin Robbins and I think Miss J. did too. There is truly no problem that 2 scoops can't solve.

We returned home with satisfied taste buds and I went to work finishing up a baby blanket that was in progress for one of my newborn twin nieces. I had already completed one for her sister.

I had planned to present both of them to my sister in-law at the same time, but I was too excited to wait once they came home from the hospital. They were so tiny and adorable and I just had to get this little blankie over to them as fast as I could. Since I am on vacation this is the perfect time to finish up the other one, so I did.

Yay! I am breaking blogger ground here. I've been tagged by Cutie Booty Cakes! Now, since I am a new blogger, I had no idea what exactly being tagged meant and what the heck a meme was. I emailed Renee asking her to put me up on game to the blogger lingo and she was so sweet in explaining to me what I should do and I promised her that I would "hop right to it", so here I am...

My mission: To tell you all "10 interesting/random/quirky/normal/silly things about [me] … things [I'm] looking forward to, things about [me] personally, whatever [I] want.” So here goes...


1. I absolutely LOVE to crochet. I'm like a little old lady when I am in the crochet zone: seated comfortably on my couch watching the soaps, Michael's Arts Crafts & More bag at my side overflowing with big fluffy balls of yarn, size "I" crochet hood in hand and a half completed baby blanket on my lap. No child will ever be cold when I'm around. Seriously, if there is a cold child that you know or a blanketless baby feel free to place your orders NOW!!



2. Dreyer's Vanilla Sandwich Flavored Ice Cream is my drug of choice. I am completely addicted and I have succeeded in getting Miss J. hooked as well. Being able to get a child who does not like chocolate hooked on something that has chocolate in it is a skill.



3. Miss J. and I were bored in the same city, same hospital, the same time of day and by the same method: C-section. We both figured that we should come into the world running so God made us breech.

4. I was named after my grandmother, who was named after her grandmother. Yes, I descend from a strong line of Ms. Bar Bs.

5. I have had the same best friends since grade school. We all live very different and separate lives but the love that we have for each other never ceases.

6. I use to be a martial artist. I guess once you learn you never completely forget, but I have not practiced for over 5 years. I really hope to be able to return to it one day. There is still a black belt at my old kajukenbo school waiting for me and besides that, there is this dude that owes me money and I have decided that I'd really like to beat the shit out of him. Having ripped abs again wouldn't hurt either.


7. I still haven't learned how to cornrow. Every single black girl from the inner city should know how to do some cornrows. Its in the code, its like one of the first things that you learn how to do as a preteen. You do your braids, your sister's and cousin's braids and your homegirl's braids. You might even do your little brother's too. Not me. Mine were always done by my aunt or another neighborhood braider. Now I have a little girl who I have to send off to her aunt to get all done up. Maybe one day I will be able to do this...

8. I am one of those people who HATE to be late for events or anything else for that matter. I will be the first one to arrive, up to 30 minutes early. The earliness doesn't matter to me, as long as I am not late its all good.

9. I am really bad at directions. Giving them, following them. I use to give directions like someone who lives out in the country, "you go down to the fork in the road, then make a half right and then go down a little bit, but not too far, and then back up and then pull forward". I swear, I need Mapquest to go places in my own neighborhood, it really does get THAT bad people. I am still amazed that Miss J. and I drove over 700 miles to Arizona last summer and didn't get lost... unless you count taking a wrong exit that put us off the freeway in LA, but whose counting??

10. I am one of the most loyal friends that you could ever have. I will always be there when you need me, with encouraging words, loving arms and a smack up side the head when you really need it.


And there ya go. 10 interesting/random/quirky/normal/silly things about me. Now I have to tag some other people that I know. Since I am only beginning to branch out and make new friends there are only a few that I can tag. I will begin with those who have been so nice to me by stopping by and leaving kind words on my most recent posts...THANKS =)

1. Zen Ventures
2. Weith Kick
3. Bottles, Barbies and Boys (who is currently taking a little vacation from her blog)

I would also like to tag an awesome lady who I have known for some time and who I admire for her survival skills, warm heart and cute rugrats.

4. Medicine and Mishaps

Happy blogging folks =)

Who knew that filling out a job application would be so difficult and time consuming? I can't even remember the last time that I did this since my last job was accepted through a Myspace email, and the two before that consisted of working with family... no applications, resumes or cover letters involved. Is the fact that I have been a student waaay too long showing much? Well if not, the fact that I have not updated my resume since August 2006 should definitely be proof of my professional student status. After giving my current financial situation some long thought and working extremely hard to convince myself that despite the fact that my potential future wage is 3 bucks less than my previous job, I guess there would be a few benefits to having an on-campus job if I were offered the position. I would spend less money on gas by taking the bus up to campus (which I do 90% of the time), I would have guaranteed flexibility that would allow my work schedule to fit with my class schedule and I would get back a little of my security in knowing that I will have earned income coming in. I am starting to see how these pros just might outweigh the wage con.

Going back to the actual job application, its not just an application, its more like an application packet. This, I am NOT use to. I am use to picking up a one to two page application, filling it out and then returning it along with my resume and waiting to be contacted for an interview. This time, the application is 3 1/2 pages and I must also provide my resume, a reference letter and a cover letter, which I have never ever written before. I have heard the term "cover letter", but written one... nope, because again, remember my most recent jobs have not required this. Welcome to the real world Ms. Bar B. I started getting anxiety just thinking about having to first find out what the heck a cover letter even really was and then writing one, so I decided to start with my resume. It should be pretty easy to just update my resume right? I mean, I have only had one job since then so just go in, add it and that's it. WRONG. As I looked over my past job experience, my objective and just the entire look of the resume I felt that it needed more than just an update, it needed an extreme makeover. I quickly opened up my web browser and hurried over to SASSY to look at an old post that offered tips on producing a good resume. I realized that I really don't have as much experience as I thought. I have been "working" since the age of 15, but these positions just constitute as a certain kind of experience in a certain area, they did not allow me the opportunity to really contribute to the company. So much so, that I also realized that I have never really developed a concrete employment goal and why would I since my major job search would not be coming until after I had my degree. This led me to look at another post from SASSY that talked about the importance of cover letters and what your objective should NOT say.

After learning that I should not be say that "I am looking to gain experience" I wondered what I should be saying. I have been stating that line since I first learned how to create a resume. I have limited experience in areas so doesn't letting the employer know that I am looking to gain more experience covey the message that I am willing and able to fully apply myself if given the position? WRONG. According to Monster.com, the point of the objective is to sell yourself as an asset to the company that you are applying to. But how can I sell what I don't have?? I thought. After spending a good 30 minutes trying to answer that question, I realized that I had already answered it just by considering applying for this position. I have spent the last 18 months working as a part time Marketing Department Manager (I use the term "manager" because I was the only member of the Marketing Department) distributing marketing materials to over 1200 companies, maintaining the company's database and other clerical and administrative duties. Now I can sell that! Since I am applying for the position of Production Assistant I played up the fact that I would be mainly producing and distributing in this position. As my objective I said, "experienced mass distribution manager pursuing the position of Production Assistant and eager to contribute to the University of California, Berkeley". What do you think? Did I truly sell myself here for this particular position or have I sold myself short?

With a more contemporary look to my resume and a customized fit to the position that I am applying for I am left to complete the cover letter, where the real selling happens. I am suppose to really get down to the nitty gritty of why they should hire me for the position. I think I will be able to do that now that I see what I DO have and that it IS indeed valuable. Just in case you are as I was: HAVING NO IDEA WHAT A COVER LETTER LOOKS LIKE, Monster.com broke it down for me paragraph by paragraph and they even give some examples too. I will keep you posted on if I am contacted for an interview.

I appear to be about half way through my much needed summer vacation and I am getting a little sad already. Yes, I have 6 days left before heading back to classes, but the days seem to be going by super fast. Aside from that, I can't stop myself from feeling guilt for taking a breather. This week, I have gotten up, gotten Miss J. off to school each morning, done one load of laundry...ok two, and that's about it. I feel like I should not be just sitting around here, or napping around here, when there is still laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, an entire house to be tidied and not to mention the job application that is laying here on my desk screaming, "what the hell is wrong with you?? Why am I still here?? Update your resume, finish filling me out and turn me in damn it!!" I hear you you little several pieces of white sheets of paper!!!! I haven't turned you in because you are not going to result in a job that will pay me enough money to make a difference, so thea!

I guess I am having a problem with being non-productive right now. If my house was on point and there was nothing taunting me then maybe I could relax and enjoy these days of not having to worry about finishing an article or chapter for class or the fact that I forgot to write those damn response questions. I would just be able to chill. I think my inability to just tune things out and take a day or two for myself comes with being a mother and with being someone who is constantly looked upon to perform. As a mother, your work is never done. There is always some kind of housework to be done or a story to be read, a head that needs to be combed, little toe nails that want to be painted and not to mention the ouchies waiting to be kissed. You all know how it is. Its a full time job in a sweat shop with a paycheck that consists only of hugs, kisses and unconditional love. Now, when you pair that with being a full-time student at one of the top universities in the country... you can see where I'm going with this. Let's just say, there is very little down time, so when down time is available I don't think I really know what to do with it. If I am not "doing something" I feel like I am slacking, especially when the down time is over and I am left looking at all of the things that I know I should have or could have done.

Does anyone else have this problem? You know it really is a problem, one that should be classified in the DSM-IV because there is no way that any mother should feel guilty for taking some much needed time for self. If we don't take the time to treat ourselves mentally, we will just reach a point of burn out and when that happens we are no good to ourselves or our children, or anyone else for that matter. I have decided that I am really going to make an effort to enjoy my vacation because guess what?? I earned it and more importantly I need it. I will set aside a couple of days to get the housework done and things in order and the rest of the time will be spent doing whatever I want to do (staring at the wall included) without any guilt.

As I followed Miss J. up the pathway to her classroom this morning I started having flashbacks of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean video. The black shoes, the white socks, the skinny little legs...


The 5T's are clearly no longer our friend. I used to be on top of her height, but now it seems like she grows an inch a week. I would NEVER EVER let my kid leave the house looking like The Incredible Hulk, well, under normal circumstances, but I guess I can pretend that her pants still touch the tops of her shoes for at least one more week.

12 weeks of summer classes came to an end today at 10:40am as I handed in a 97% completed final exam to my Clinical Psychology professor today. My eyes and smile met hers as I whispered that I would be emailing her that final 2 page write up on PTSD today. This scene is very familiar. It was only yesterday that I whispered those same words to my Gender & Women's Studies professor as I handed her my bluebook after the exam. So now, here I am, no more classes, but still responsible for producing roughly 6 pages of thought. FUCK!!! I can't think anymore, which is kind of funny since I am here "thinking" about all of the possible reasons that I should just close MS Word and forget about its subject matter. Its already 7:30pm and if I don't get this paper done tonight then it will make no since to attempt to turn it in tomorrow, since the summer term ended today. On the other hand, its only 7:30pm and I should have MORE than enough time to produce 2 more pages, that are coherent. Again... FUCK!!!

If I do get past this silly case of writers block tonight, 11 days of summer is waiting for me to enjoy them. I have spent the entire summer break just as I spent the last 5 months and then the 5 months before that... in school. So I should actually want to end this session knowing that I gave my all and earned the best possible grades that I could, but part of me just wants to settle for "passing" grades (B and C) because the majority of me is just flat out exhausted. Its very tiring work to have to simultaneously suppress stressful thoughts while producing knowledge. It is as equally tiring to do this while receiving knowledge as well, which ultimately results in either brain-overload or a break down of brain functioning. Right now I am somewhere between the two.

So yes, back to my upcoming 11 days of summer... I will take Miss J. to school and return home to get some well deserved "me" time. Thank God for a new school, which does not operate on the same schedule as the University, of which will then probably turn around to bite me in the ass during times like spring break. For now, it will be a blessing. I will relax and release my worries, which translates to cleaning the house and other preparations for a quickly approaching new semester, which further translates to me intending to do all of these things, but instead sitting on the couch for a straight week lost in the tv. Its always much more fun to do a weeks worth of work in one day, ha. Perhaps I will make it to the beach before returning to the grind of books, backpacks and lectures. Relaxing laid out on my beach towel, sunglasses covering eyes, ipod in ears and Miss J. busy making sand castles. That would be the ideal conclusion to another busy summer.

Its happening already!! My relationship with Miss J. is quickly heading down that "no mom, just drop me off right here at the corner" stage. How am I already becoming an embarrassment to a FIVE year old?? When did we get to the point of her hugging and kissing me goodbye before we even reach the classroom door? She even rushes me out of my own grandmother's house with a quick "bye mom" and a swift slam of the front door. God forbid I forget something and have to go back inside, she wants to know why I am NOT in my car and half way down the street by now and stresses the point that she does not wish to return home with me. Geeez! If its like this at age five, I can imagine having no problems with her leaving the nest at 18, when it will really count. I might have to pack her clothes just to get her out of the house or on second thought, by that time, she might secretly pack mine.

Never thought that she would get too cool for her poor old mama, but I guess that's what happens when you begin to spend your days with 1st graders. Yep, its the hanging with that older crowd =). I have to say though that her independence is a blessing. I would rather her be able to stand alone in the world and face it head on than be heavily dependent on the acceptance and assistance of others. She marches to her own beat, she is never on the heals of others. I think that is something to be admired, rather than criticized, which some people who are close to me tend to do from time to time. We don't mind the criticism of her quick tongue and sharp mind because we know that those are the markings of a strong and intelligent black woman in the making. Lets face it, in today's world every woman needs to be able to assert herself and command respect, while at the same time being mindful and cautious of how her words and actions could affect others. I think we have a happy balance for now, but I know that as those preteen and teen years approach I will have to work with her in fine tuning these life skills. I think I am up for the challenge.

For now, I guess I will just continue to learn how to step back and allow her to continue to blossom. No public pressure for displays of her affection, no feelings of inadequacy, just the acceptance of the healthy development of a wonderful little human being.

Gas prices are dropping at the moment and still no financial relief. One can't have any kind of financial relief if one has no current finances. This is the state of so many right now as houses and jobs continue to be lost. Its amazing how it only takes one day for lives to be changed. Lets hope that we will soon look up and a new day will be upon us where lives will begin to change, or at least stabilize for a while. Bills will be paid, babies will be fed and life will return to normal (whatever the hell "normal" means). I never thought my current days would consist of robbing piggy banks and holding up lines counting out my laundry money on store counters. That's the reality though, the days of "ya gotta do what ya gotta do".

I secretly keep a level of optimism handy when thinking about how much life will change for Miss J. and I once I have my degree. No more rainy days, only sunshine from that point on.

I loved watching this group's performances on America's Best Dance Crew this season. I still can't understand why they were voted off. They definitely had creative routines each week. How does a group that gets the ONLY standing ovation from the judges this whole season not get saved by the judges this week?? Baffles me, so much so that I'm not even gonna tune in to the next shows to see if Super Cr3w beats out SoReal Cru, who are NOT as dope as Shane keeps making them out to be, although they did have a cool routine this week. Grrr... I thought for sure that Fanny Pac would be going head to head with Super Cr3w for the big prize. Something tells me that things will still be all good for this group though because they really impressed Missy, who also gave them a standing ovation, last week. I wouldn't be surprised to see them dancing with her, just like the Jabbawockeez hit the 2008 BET Awards stage with Ne-yo.