On a mission to fix all that is currently broken.

As you all know, I have been up and down, and 'round and 'round, lately. Trying my hand at re-discovering and re-claiming myself and my passions. I did a bit of that today, as I did something that I have been itching to do for a very long time. A. BIG. CHOP. I went from this

to this



I went in and had Wildboy take me back to my nappy roots. I am loving my new look. I felt so good once all the permed hair was off. I did a little happy dance in the chair, and then did another happy dance when India Arie's I Am Not My Hair came on while I was being shampooed. It couldn't have played out more perfectly than that!

With natural curls springing up all over the place these days I wasn't nervous at all about making the change. My new bloggy friend, Eboni of Natural Thinker, shared her story of returning to naturality and Saleemah Cartwright of HealthyHairJourney.com chopped off her long strands on camera, showing her viewers just how easy, refreshing and pretty going natural can be. Sometimes, its not an easy decision to follow through with a big chop because of the backlash that often comes with it. While some find your new curls to be beautiful or sexy, others find them to be quite odd in a day and age of relaxers and weaves. Already I've gotten mixed reviews about my new crop, but I'm not bothered by them. As long as I am happy with how I look that's all that really matters. When Miss J got a glimpse of my head she couldn't stop saying, "Mom! You shaved your head?" Followed by, "you look like a boy." Meant with all the love in the world of course. She took some time out to come sit next to me and rub my head like she was trying to make a genie come out of it. When I asked her if she liked it, with a huge smile, she answered yes.

I am happy with my new found freedom to work up a sweat without fear of ruining my hairstyle. And I actually left Wildboy's chair with money in my pocket! How great is that?

Although I pulled strength and inspiration from the two ladies mentioned above, my final look was inspired by the talented India Arie.

Questions courtesy of YellowRose.

To participate in Friday Fill-Ins click --->here<---


1. Please don't tell me that I've gained weight.

2. Can you make sure I don't reset my alarm clock in the morning?

3. The color purple makes me want to polish my nails!

4. I have a craving for happiness.

5. If my life had a pause button, I'd pause it every time the depression bug bit me.

6. Eyes are the ultimate lie detector.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to coming up with a real game plan for how I'm gonna survive the next 4 months, tomorrow my plans include playing in some natural hair and Sunday, I want to work on a list of possible dates to a Valentine's night Punany Poets show... no lovey dovey stuff, this is strictly research people =)!

"Why do you hate me so much", he asked. I get chills each time he asks me that. "I've told you a million times why, but you never listen", I reply.

He tells me that I am living in the past, and that "we" need to get past "the past".

Oh really? Get past "the past", huh? Isn't the number 1 requirement for transcending the past acknowledgment of it? And you don't just "get past" the past. You grow and evolve because of it. You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been...

My personal pain has reached a red alert. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that, in order for me to find true happiness and peace, I am gonna have to just pick up and go. There was a time when my whole family was in one place. Very centered. Now, only a few of us remain, merely existing, not living. Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of environment, a change of support networks, a new start, is just the right push to begin the process of living again.

I told Miss J's dad that he should start to enjoy his time with his daughter because this is the last year that we'll be around. He took that to mean that my life's mission is to take his child away from him. That, not only am I milking him for child support, that now I want to escape with his investment. So, he informed me that he has a lawyer, and that he will "put the plan in motion" so that I can't leave California if he has to. I guess that would also mean no to a name change. I don't see it as having much to do with the baby at all, but everything to do with his need to have a level of control over me, since he also said that he has no problem with me going where ever my degree leads me. If I relocate for a better opportunity, doesn't that involve taking my child with me? Aren't planes, trains and automobiles still adequate modes of travel? So, at what point would Miss J be kept away from him? And if he does feel the need to "put his plan in motion", does he think that the judge will only hear his side of the story? Does he think the court will not want to take his character, his past, his present, into consideration when trying to establish whether or not we should share custody of our daughter? No, according to him, since I will have my degree, I will be making more money than him, and when he gets joint custody I will have to pay him support, instead of him paying me support. Wow.

This entire situation is like a really bad nightmare... more like a night-terror that just keeps replaying itself over and over. I constantly examine the past, looking for clues to the red flags. Where did I go blind? Unaware of other women before and after baby, rape, STIs, mental abuse, 3 more children with 2 more women (whom I've never met), siblings that are too many for my daughter to keep up with. How did 1 man gain the ability to have a lasting negative effect on my life? How could he have been a part of my life for 5 years before baby and then totally flip the script on my ass after baby? Walking away from the situation all together before the staples were removed from my belly.

I just want the pain to stop. I want him to be a distant memory. I want the mental torment to stop. I want him to stop trying to break me. To stop envying my pending success. To stop sexually harrassing me. To stop threatening me. To stop making my child love him when he knows that he doesn't really have time to be the kind of father that she deserves. To stop having more children so that maybe he could have the time to be the father that his children deserve... I want to run. No forwarding address. No number in service. Without a trace.

I could have gotten a restraining order a long time ago. I could have gone to court and faught for full custody a long time ago. Why didn't I? Its simple. I don't trust the law. It isn't set up to work for women and children in cases of physical and sexual abuse, not to mention mental abuse. Because as I was told by the police, "if he hasn't hit you then there isn't anything we can do", "you will have to get him to confess", "unless he harms the child or puts the child in danger, there isn't anything we can do", "there wasn't enough evidence in the rape kit, so there isn't a case". Why the fuck would I trust the law to see that he is not in the best interest of my child? To an outsider, all of this looks like the problem is strictly between the two of us, and that Miss J is just caught in the middle of a bunch of bitterness, but like I've said before, it goes much deeper than that. He took something away from me that can't be replaced. He changed my life in such a way that I am now stagnant. He stripped me of my agency. He has it all now. I want it back and that wont happen if I stay here.

Right now, I am trying to not focus solely on this as I have a list of other things to focus on. I'll have to just cross whatever bridges along the journey when I come to them.

Have you ever been on the phone with someone, and right in the middle of your conversation, right when you are in mid-sentence, the person you are talking to becomes engaged in a-whole-nother conversation with someone else? And I'm not talking about the usual, "YOU BETTA PUT THAT DOWN, RIGHT NOW!... I'm sorry girl, now what were you saying?" Oh no. I'm talking about a full fledged conversation with another adult! That C, that somehow always wiggles its way into the dialog between A & B. Well, this is what happens everytime I'm on the phone with my grandmother. Never fails. I'll be pouring my heart out to her about something and either at the point where I am really thinking she's feeling me or the point where I'm expecting her to reassure me, she chimes out with something about a computer, a pen, a "fill in the blank", which is usually directed at my granddaddy. And its not one or two words, its more like 3 or 4 back and forth sentences. Sometimes I feel like asking her if she can politely ask him to shut the fuck up until she gets off the phone. And then I wonder if he even initiates the interruption. Maybe she zones out way ahead of time and is relieved to have him come in the room so she can entertain herself. Maybe she's tired of hearing (or not) me talk about my issues. Hell, maybe she just isn't interested at all or maybe what I have to say just really isn't all that important to her.

It reminds me of the day that I called her after my dad's doctor informed me that he was dying. It was unexpected news. Not because I didn't know he was dying, but because I wasn't expecting him to be near death at that particular time. When I had spoken with him two weeks earlier he didn't sound like he was in the best shape, but he told me that he was fine and would be released from the hospital the next day. Now, some doctor was telling me that his complications were too severe for surgery and that his only option was to be taken to hospice and to be made as comfortable as possible. I was shaken by the thought that I'd have to deal with a 4th death of an immediate family member within a 3 1/2 year period.

I called my grandmother and I tried to get the words out. I managed to tell her that I had gotten some news about my dad, and that he was doing really bad, and that I needed to go see him, but I was constantly interrupted due to her ongoing conversation with a machanic. I waited on the phone for a couple of minutes while she carried on her conversation, before I suggested that maybe I should call her back. She agreed that, yes, I should call her back.

I can't even explain how I felt. Not having anyone else to confide in. Having the one person that I thought I could confide in not realize that I was in distress and really needed her in that moment. Growing up, I went unheard. The expression of opinions/thoughts/feelings by children are often viewed as back talk, so I stopped speaking out and just internalized everything that I ever felt or experienced. As an adult, I still feel like I go unheard, especially by the people that I want to truly hear me.

That's how it is with my grandmother. Its not like she's this little old lady who has selective hearing. She's a fully functioning 69 year old who could pass for a 39 year old. I expect her to be present during our conversations. I expect her to recognize when I really need her emotionally. I expect her to make me feel like what I have to say matters. All without me having to request that she be an active listener. Am I expecting too much?

Felt a bit better today. Funny how that happens... extreme lows, washed away with a sudden high. I awoke this morning and made a decision: No worrying.

Grandma stopped by today with some "get well" goodies for me and Miss J. She then took Miss J's clothes home with her and washed them for us. I made a decision to feel no guilt or shame about having to ask her if she could wash my baby's clothes, and also made a decision to recycle mine. I can wait another week or so to be completely clean.

I picked myself up, cleaned the house, and even took Miss J out to the park. It felt great just to open my blinds today. This apartment hasn't had a healthy dose of sunshine in months. And to head outside, to be amongst other people? You know today must of been a pretty good day. Although the park is literally in our backyard, we seldom venture out. Not because Miss J doesn't like being at the park, but because I have too much anxiety most of the time to be there. I didn't even reach for my scarf. I slicked some moisturizer on my half nappy-half straight hair, threw on my earrings and hit the door. No anxiety today, so why hide from the world? The both of us, sick, barking at each other, bare armed, soaking up Vitamin D, running into old friends on the slide.

Even managed to get some light reading done, in between doing a quick combing out of Miss J's mane. We would have gotten in that much needed shampoo (8 months overdue... don't ask...anxiety, remember?) if it were not bedtime by the time we made it back from grandma's. I know better than to come near that child's head with a comb and dryer at 7pm!

There's always next weekend.