"I wonder why the obligation to declare one’s purpose exists at all" - T. Allen-Mercado

Upon my lifelong quest to discover who I really am, and in the aftermath of my most recent mental break, I read the Moms of Hue post (which I encourage you all to do) of my blog sister T. Allen-Mercado, and was moved into expression...

Tameka, I didn't know that we were allowed to wonder this or to even question it at all. So much weight is placed on defining one's life's purpose, building a career, living one's destiny. What do those things even mean? Ever since I was accepted to Cal, I have felt pushed and prodded to define my life's purpose, and before I was accepted to Cal, I thought I already had. I had always loved to write, was scolded by my grandmother for "never wanting to do nothin' but write", was exposed to journalism in school, and so that's what I wanted to do with my life back then. I wanted to become a journalist. I wanted to become an investigative reporter, a creator of "new media" before there was New Media - in an effort to show the world what good could be found in the inner city. To create a space for my own voice to yell out from beneath the concrete and be heard.

Now, with those demanding questions that you spoke of being hurled at me - So, what are you doing now that you've graduated? What can you do with a degree in Gender & Women's Studies? So, you wanna do social work? What kind of job are you looking for? You're not going to grad school? Why not? Administrative Assistant? Oh. - And the judgmental statements - $10 an hour is better than $0 an hour/ Did you think you were gonna come right outta college and be the CEO of a fortune 500 company?/ I thought you had drive and determination/ Your minimal salary requirement is too high. It all has shattered my self confidence and my self esteem, and ingrained in me that a life without purpose is a life that isn't worth living.

After revealing my lack of life's purpose and my belief that $10 an hour was not going to pay rent in a safe environment, I was dumped by the person that I thought understood my struggle. Not only dumped, but kicked while I was down... lack of drive and determination, remember? This morning, I found myself on a 24 hr crisis phone line, crying to a man asking me to tell him what was wrong when I had no words, feeling 5150ish.

I guess I say all of this to say that I hate the quest for the American Dream. Like your wondering about purpose itself, I hate the very fact that there is a quest for the American Dream because its just a trope to drive the world towards submission and homogeneity, and those who resist or get lost in the hype, go insane.

So can I get a window seat/Don't want nobody next to me/I just want a ticket outta town/A look around/And a safe touch down... I just want a chance to fly/A chance to cry/And a long bye bye...

Despite much of the ridiculous (in my opinion) rhetoric currently in progress around the "out of the box" nature of the visual presentation of this song, Erykah was right on point with her rendition of, what seems like, a recurring theme amongst mothers. The pull between being everyone's everything, and wanting/needing to be freed from the spotlight sometimes; and furthermore, the guilt often associated with "laying down on the job" or the practice of putting self last simply because of the need to be needed. No matter what stage of the motherhood game you are in, chances are, you can surely relate...

To read more click here.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that, in 5 more months, it will have been 7 years since the day I got to meet the child I had been loving and caring for inside my womb. This consciousness also has me constantly thinking about the day that I will be blessed with another child. I never wanted more than 2 years between my children because it was important to me that they grow up together. But, as we all know, not everything works out the way we plan. If another child is in my future, Miss J will in fact be the much older sister. I worry about what that will mean for her. I know what it meant for me, ending up with a sister who was 8 years younger than myself.

Join me over at Moms of Hue today to chat it up about sibling relationships. I wanna hear your experiences, both as an older or younger sibling, and as the mother of siblings, if that shoe fits.

Are you familiar with the Strong Black Woman Syndrome? Many of us have it. We hold the weight of the world on our shoulders because, often times, we are the only one's who seem to be able to get things done. What we don't realize is that, we also place ourselves in this position a lot of the time when we don't necessarily have to, and by doing so, we put our physical and mental health in danger.

Join me over at Moms of Hue to talk more about the Death of a Black Woman. You may spot a little piece of someone you may know, or a little piece of yourself, even if you are not of hue.

Be sure to check out my new mini-post over at Moms of Hue. Feel free to join in on the conversation. Go on now. Don't be scuuurrd!

The weight in: Sister friends