"Why do you hate me so much", he asked. I get chills each time he asks me that. "I've told you a million times why, but you never listen", I reply.

He tells me that I am living in the past, and that "we" need to get past "the past".

Oh really? Get past "the past", huh? Isn't the number 1 requirement for transcending the past acknowledgment of it? And you don't just "get past" the past. You grow and evolve because of it. You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been...

My personal pain has reached a red alert. I'm at a point in my life where I feel that, in order for me to find true happiness and peace, I am gonna have to just pick up and go. There was a time when my whole family was in one place. Very centered. Now, only a few of us remain, merely existing, not living. Sometimes a change of scenery, a change of environment, a change of support networks, a new start, is just the right push to begin the process of living again.

I told Miss J's dad that he should start to enjoy his time with his daughter because this is the last year that we'll be around. He took that to mean that my life's mission is to take his child away from him. That, not only am I milking him for child support, that now I want to escape with his investment. So, he informed me that he has a lawyer, and that he will "put the plan in motion" so that I can't leave California if he has to. I guess that would also mean no to a name change. I don't see it as having much to do with the baby at all, but everything to do with his need to have a level of control over me, since he also said that he has no problem with me going where ever my degree leads me. If I relocate for a better opportunity, doesn't that involve taking my child with me? Aren't planes, trains and automobiles still adequate modes of travel? So, at what point would Miss J be kept away from him? And if he does feel the need to "put his plan in motion", does he think that the judge will only hear his side of the story? Does he think the court will not want to take his character, his past, his present, into consideration when trying to establish whether or not we should share custody of our daughter? No, according to him, since I will have my degree, I will be making more money than him, and when he gets joint custody I will have to pay him support, instead of him paying me support. Wow.

This entire situation is like a really bad nightmare... more like a night-terror that just keeps replaying itself over and over. I constantly examine the past, looking for clues to the red flags. Where did I go blind? Unaware of other women before and after baby, rape, STIs, mental abuse, 3 more children with 2 more women (whom I've never met), siblings that are too many for my daughter to keep up with. How did 1 man gain the ability to have a lasting negative effect on my life? How could he have been a part of my life for 5 years before baby and then totally flip the script on my ass after baby? Walking away from the situation all together before the staples were removed from my belly.

I just want the pain to stop. I want him to be a distant memory. I want the mental torment to stop. I want him to stop trying to break me. To stop envying my pending success. To stop sexually harrassing me. To stop threatening me. To stop making my child love him when he knows that he doesn't really have time to be the kind of father that she deserves. To stop having more children so that maybe he could have the time to be the father that his children deserve... I want to run. No forwarding address. No number in service. Without a trace.

I could have gotten a restraining order a long time ago. I could have gone to court and faught for full custody a long time ago. Why didn't I? Its simple. I don't trust the law. It isn't set up to work for women and children in cases of physical and sexual abuse, not to mention mental abuse. Because as I was told by the police, "if he hasn't hit you then there isn't anything we can do", "you will have to get him to confess", "unless he harms the child or puts the child in danger, there isn't anything we can do", "there wasn't enough evidence in the rape kit, so there isn't a case". Why the fuck would I trust the law to see that he is not in the best interest of my child? To an outsider, all of this looks like the problem is strictly between the two of us, and that Miss J is just caught in the middle of a bunch of bitterness, but like I've said before, it goes much deeper than that. He took something away from me that can't be replaced. He changed my life in such a way that I am now stagnant. He stripped me of my agency. He has it all now. I want it back and that wont happen if I stay here.

Right now, I am trying to not focus solely on this as I have a list of other things to focus on. I'll have to just cross whatever bridges along the journey when I come to them.