That's what I tried to give them.

That is what I always find myself trying to give them.

Can somebody please explain to me what would make an aunt promise her niece that she'd be there on graduation day, and never show up? Now, explain to me what would make TWO aunts do this!

I gave them a choice of which ceremonies to attend.

Busted my ass trying to make sure that I'd be able to use my credit card to purchase tickets just to get them in the door.

And there I was. Half-supported.

This is how they do me?

Not answering my phone calls or having the decency to call or text me to say they couldn't make it.

Selling me false hope the day they took the tickets out of my hand; reassured me that they had the directions; talked about putting gifts and flowers in my hand.

And there I was . Half-supported.


If you are reading dear aunt(s). I'd like you to know a few things. The first of which: THAT WAS FUCKED UP!!!! And highly unforgivable. It was MY day. It was suppose to be special. I wanted you to be there. I needed you to be there... because our family is but a fraction, and without you there was a vacancy and a cast over MY accomplishment. Not having you greet me at the stage with flashes going, flowers, or just a simple cheer was devastating. You ruined MY day!

One of you found it more important to go out and enjoy a boxing match, which I'm sure included getting pissy drunk, because that's how you always are... pissy drunk... because YOU are a pissy drunk! And all you could say is that you were sorry? You're sorry? You're sorry? You god damn right you're sorry. And I am sorry, that I share DNA with people like you.

One of you has left my calls, text messages, and emails unnoticed. But you haven't missed a day of talking to my grandmother, and mentioning that you needed to still call me. Well, its been 17 days and still NOTHING! Do you ever plan on explaining to me how you could lie to me in such a way? DO YOU?

Truth is, I shouldn't even be mad at ya'll... I should be mad at myself for continuously believing in ya'll, AND for allowing ya'll to dictate how I end up feeling about myself and what I have worked hard for. Its funny how family has that kind of power. How an action, a statement, can totally transform the way you see things. Well, fuck that! Right now I'm about to put my foot down!

YOU, no longer get the benefit of the doubt!

Mama,

I love, miss, and still long for you.

If only I could remember what your voice sounded like when you used to call me by my nickname,
If only I could remember what your laughter sounded like when we used to play the Nintendo,
If only I could remember what your skin smelled like when we used to lay in your bed together,
If only I could take one more late night trip with you to the store for corn dogs and fudge brownies,
If only you could be here to do all of those things, and so much more with your granddaughter...

For now, I will cherish what I do remember about you,

Like, the way you held my hand as we walked to school in the mornings,
Like, the way you passed down your intelligence and beauty to me,
Like, the way you made sure that I would be taken care of,
Like, the way your hand felt when I said my final goodbye,
Like, the way you loved me more than you loved yourself.

17 years and counting... I love, miss and still long for you.

Love,
Your BoBo

So lets celebrate with a little punany... poetry that is. In case you don't know, "punany" is an Afro-Caribbean slang term for vagina, and is also the name of a group of poets and a project, started in Oakland, CA, that "celebrate female sexuality and promote safer sex and sexual empowerment through erotic literature and theatrics." Headed by founder Jessica Holter, the Punany Poets work to bring awareness about the ways in which black women are affected by HIV/AIDS, through their live theater and non-profit organization AFACTA. They also highlight other important issues, such as sexual abuse and poverty and celebrate self love, alternative lifestyles and the power of the punany. You can see why they are the center of my thesis! In addition to their live shows and organization, there are also books of poetry, DVDs and CDs.

The following video showcases Jessica Holter at her best. She performs a poem from her book Verbal Penetration, where she recalls accounts of her molestation and informs the audience of why she writes. When I first saw her perform this on the group's The Second Sin DVD I was blown away. I thought, wow, she writes for the same reasons that I write. I wanted to share it with you because I feel that she may also write for some of the same reasons as some of you.

Revolution of a Poet - Jessica Holter - Verbal Penetration

Since this is A Place of Comfort, I thought that maybe I should sit down, kick off my shoes and dig around in this extra baggage that I have been carrying to see if I could find a pillow, or perhaps even a nice cozy blanket. After about 6 hours of continuous searching I did manage to discover this blanket, but this is not just any blanket, but a security blanket. One that became mine eight years ago, and that contains many memories of my childhood, and that I just stashed away... out of sight, out of mind... Why don't you come over here and sit down next to me, and kick off your shoes too if you want to, so that you will be able to hear what this piece of fabric has to say...