Its my 44th day on drugs. Drug of force choice? That would be Celexa. I've been on the Celexa trip before, back after giving birth to Miss J. My pregnancy was great physically, but mentally? Now that was a completely different story. Changing hormones, paired with a stressful home sittation, and then add in an inconsiderate boyfriend, on top of an already existent mental condition... it was enough to land me in therapy. With a very good therapist might I add. One that didn't just sit across from me and agree with how fucked up my life actually was, or repeatedly ask me how I make it from day to day, or pick their jaw up off the floor long enough to ask me when my book was coming out, after hearing my story. Nope, she provided insight, guidence, and a bit of her own life story as a way of helping me effectively work through my issues. It was great! But then, I went back to school, which required me to relocate to a different county, which resulted in me losing her as a source of support. Enter: Celexa.

After my insurance company's discontinued coverage of the drug and my trails and errors with Paxil and Prozac, I swore off drug therapy for good. Why commit myself to my doctor's pet drugs when they did nothing but make me wanna sleep all day. Hell, I could do that without the drugs! And besides, drugs don't cure depression all by themselves. Its a collective effort between drug and behavioral therapy (which I could never find time in my single mommy - full time student schedule for). So, I made the decision to fight depression naturally. To let it just run its course; to just have its on space; to just come and go as it pleased. This may seem like a brilliant idea in theory. Not so much in practice, especially when you choose to do it alone.

To most, I am a very easy going person. Very friendly and likable. Somewhat shy and withdrawn at times. But for the most part, a decent and loyal human being. To the public that is the mask that I wear, and once behind closed doors, the mast is discarded and the terrified, insecure, severly depressed, often suicidal, irritable, traumatized, needy and helpless feeling, life skill-less Barbara emerges. The Barbara that is always sad and in hiding from the world. The Barbara who hasn't yet found her place, her calling, and wonders if there even is such a place or calling set aside for her. The Barbara who has been abandoned due to the natural cycle of life and death. The Barbara who muffles her cries and silently begs for someone with a warm and compassionate heart to want to lend their helping hand just as much as she needs to accept it.

A very tormented way to live exist.

Realizing that my mental state was in a scary place, I had to think long and hard about just what to do about it. I desire a specific type of behavioral therapy, from a therapist who is trained in very specific areas and from a specific background, which takes time and energy to pin point. So then, do I just give in and accept the drugs? Things were at a point where I felt like I had no choice but to do so. Things had started up again with Miss J's dad, its an absolute must that I finish up my classes this year and move past this life that I have been rooted in for the past 7 years, and what about my relationship with my daughter? Truth is... I love her to death, but I grew to not like her... AT ALL. Life definitely could not continue on this path... its just not me... or at least, I wish it wasn't me.

So, here I am. Going on a journey that I have taken before, in hopes of becoming a better me, for me, and for my little girl. As a result, I have been able to show my love to her, the way that I used to. The way that I do when I am not stuck inside myself and feeling like life is unlivable. There have been some very bad days and there have been some fantastic days, within this 44 day period. We will see what the next 14 days brings me and if my unconventional brain will finally strike a happy balance. Stay tuned...