The past couple of nights have been laced with insomnia. I have been tired, but unable to hush my thoughts. This is the part that I hate, the PTSD-esk phase - when the events and words that were said, keep replaying themselves over and over in my mind. Every time I'd close my eyes they were forced back open by my feelings about what was said and what went down, and by his reaction to me in my entirety and in my vulnerability. I think I'm still in shock. Its not like we haven't been here before, but this time was different. This time set the tone for there not to be a next time. I wasn't ready for that. It was unexpected and unwanted.

And you know what else I hate? Not knowing what to do with left over love. This love hasn't reached its expiration date yet, and now I have to place it back on the shelf, although it has already been assigned, and pretend that it doesn't exist, even though it stares back at me longingly. Pretty pathetic huh?

"I wonder why the obligation to declare one’s purpose exists at all" - T. Allen-Mercado

Upon my lifelong quest to discover who I really am, and in the aftermath of my most recent mental break, I read the Moms of Hue post (which I encourage you all to do) of my blog sister T. Allen-Mercado, and was moved into expression...

Tameka, I didn't know that we were allowed to wonder this or to even question it at all. So much weight is placed on defining one's life's purpose, building a career, living one's destiny. What do those things even mean? Ever since I was accepted to Cal, I have felt pushed and prodded to define my life's purpose, and before I was accepted to Cal, I thought I already had. I had always loved to write, was scolded by my grandmother for "never wanting to do nothin' but write", was exposed to journalism in school, and so that's what I wanted to do with my life back then. I wanted to become a journalist. I wanted to become an investigative reporter, a creator of "new media" before there was New Media - in an effort to show the world what good could be found in the inner city. To create a space for my own voice to yell out from beneath the concrete and be heard.

Now, with those demanding questions that you spoke of being hurled at me - So, what are you doing now that you've graduated? What can you do with a degree in Gender & Women's Studies? So, you wanna do social work? What kind of job are you looking for? You're not going to grad school? Why not? Administrative Assistant? Oh. - And the judgmental statements - $10 an hour is better than $0 an hour/ Did you think you were gonna come right outta college and be the CEO of a fortune 500 company?/ I thought you had drive and determination/ Your minimal salary requirement is too high. It all has shattered my self confidence and my self esteem, and ingrained in me that a life without purpose is a life that isn't worth living.

After revealing my lack of life's purpose and my belief that $10 an hour was not going to pay rent in a safe environment, I was dumped by the person that I thought understood my struggle. Not only dumped, but kicked while I was down... lack of drive and determination, remember? This morning, I found myself on a 24 hr crisis phone line, crying to a man asking me to tell him what was wrong when I had no words, feeling 5150ish.

I guess I say all of this to say that I hate the quest for the American Dream. Like your wondering about purpose itself, I hate the very fact that there is a quest for the American Dream because its just a trope to drive the world towards submission and homogeneity, and those who resist or get lost in the hype, go insane.

Its funny how, when you're trying to make moves, challenges just pop up outta nowhere. This morning's drive was the most uneasy I have ever driven. The sound of metal grinding against metal with each stop and start. That "clinking" feeling under my feet. A sign that I have ignored the BRAKE illumination for way too long. So, now I will pay the price. Not with cash, because that I don't have, but in time and resources. I am about to officially be immobile, at a time when I really need my transportation to be reliable. If I do land a job, which I am sure will happen now that I have this new reality, what will I do? How the hell am I supposed to get there?

And this would happen the week that I am responsible for transporting 2 kids to school, 25.17 miles away from each other. I'm still convinced that a BREAK isn't too much to ask for.

I managed to get myself out to two temp agencies last week. It was an interesting experience. In the first meeting, I felt sort of like a day laborer, trying to prove that I was worthy enough to be chosen for "the job". I was sized up, via assessment tests, and found to be both under-qualified and unrealistic. Nevermind the fact that I have spent a considerable amount of time as a learner, thinker, and multitasker - being given tasks, developing road maps, and following through. And nevermind the fact that there is a little thing called "training" and another one called "instruction". Bottom line, I strongly feel that, in an area such as the temp agency, one should not be held so tightly to the all-knowing assessment test, especially when said test tests areas that were not previously required knowledge in previous positions and/or academics. The "assessment" isn't really an assessment at all, but rather a grade-school type standardized piece of shit, put together to make you compete against your own god-damned brain cells. I don't know about everyone else, but I hate feeling as though I am a rat on a fricken wheel. And my second bottom line - If I were to get an assignment, and I was asked to perform a specific function in MS Word or Excel, then I'd either figure it out or asked to be shown once and I'd take it from there. The fact that I was holding a certificate that stated that I typed 53 wpm, but scored a big 35 wpm on their test is further proof why standardized tests are pieces of shit and why I politely told Ms. Lady that I was worth more minimally than she was trying to tell me.

If my education level, and my experience didn't place me in a higher bracket of worth, I would have never been recruited by agency number 2, and offered a position that was paying a salary that would have made Ms. Lady burst into laughter. Not that my meeting with agency #2 was THAT much better, but at least I was actually meeting about a position that was already on the table, and "assessed" accordingly. Now, I'm waiting to hear back from them about whether or not I measured up. I'm hoping I did, because, mama literally needs a new pair of shoes. Holes are not sexy when they're in your shoes, especially during impromptu Bay Area rain and hail storms.

Have you stepped back and taken a look at your coterie lately? The people who are in your inner circle; the people that you spend the most time with? Even the folks whom you network with on a regular basis? Do you take time out to let them know how incredible they are? I really appreciate my friends, my sisters, my family for keeping me going, and for reminding me of my greatness, even when I am convinced that it does not exist. Its so hard to see past the darkness and the distress, and the majority of the time, its hard to strip the negative self talk of its grand powers. However, when inspiration lies all around you, it becomes a little bit easier to grab hold to it.

My good friend, Geraldine, was recently interviewed by a local news station about life as a student parent at UC Berkeley, given the recent financial crisis, budget cuts and fee increases. She does a beautiful job telling her story, and that of so many others, who are combining academia with family life under these conditions. She is an example of the tenacious student parent spirit. I am so proud of every single accomplishment of the women in my life. That includes YOU too!

Remember when I talked about wanting to switch things up over here? Well, my name is approaching the top of the waiting list and I'm excited. I was fortunate enough to be referred to a very generous designer. Louise, of Adori Graphics, does some mighty cute and creative work, and in her spare-spare time, she even does free blog makeovers. Taking into account those of us who blog for therapy and/or for charities, Louise does, what she calls, Community Spirit and Write From The Heart Makeovers. I am looking forward to sharing a new space with all of you very soon. Along with the new design will also come a new name. Don't worry though, I'll let you know before the change so you don't think I just up and left you =).

In other news...

I got a couple of call backs from a couple of temp agencies. I have been unable to touch bases with the first of the two, so it was nice to have gotten the call from the second. I did a little research, and based on the description of the position on their website, it looks interesting. I wont really know just how interesting until I have talked with the agency, which I am planning to do come daylight. I am hoping that something comes through soon. Time is a little of the essence, and I need to start making some major moves very soon.

On a lighter note...

I completely enjoyed my birthday week. It was a real pick-me-up to the lows that I have been stuck in. Not saying those lows are now highs, but I am saying that I was reaching for the sky last week! Thank God for amazing friends!

Last week, Tara of The Young Mommy Life, did a post about how amazing the children of young moms are. She's absolutely right! Although some of us became parents before we were thought to be seasoned adults, we are dismantling more stereotypes everyday, and so are our kids.

Just this week, my friend Ms. Nico got some wonderful news from her son's school. He came home with a very posh invitation to the Junior National Young Leaders Conference in Washington, DC for this summer. This bright 11 year old boy was chosen by one of his teachers for this very special opportunity! Talk about amazing kids. And talk about an amazing Capitol Hill. The blogosphere has been abuzz lately with recent and upcoming trips to DC. Rue, of Outdoor Afro, just returned from a conference at the White House on African Americas in the great outdoors, Tara, of The Young Mommy Life, recently met with the Senate on behalf of us young moms, and our needs, to insure a brighter future for ourselves and our babies, and next month, Mama C of Mama C and the Boys will be in DC as part of a Mom Congress, discussing ways to "empower parents nationwide to become more involved in their children's schools".

As you can see, we are all up and through Washington with our concerns and ideas on how to make America a better place. I think the fact that Washington is reaching out to our little leaders of tomorrow is great. So, I am asking you to please help us get Ms. Nico's son to DC. While he was one of the chosen ones, it takes cash to get from California to DC, cash that his graduating single mama does not have. We do NOT want him to miss out on this opportunity because of the cost of transportation. Ms. Nico has created a Facebook fan page, in which you can track her son's progress in making this trip, AND where you can reach into your pockets and donate a little somethin' somethin' to make that happen.

Thank you all in advance!

So, upon looking at the millionth job ad on craigslist, I decided to branch out and give Monster.com a try. I put "entry-level" into the search, because, that's what I'm looking for, and up pops a wing of Monster called Monster College. Apparently, this little subdivision is supposed to be chalked full of helpful advice to those who are still in college and to those who have just graduated. I did find some positions that were not listed on craigslist, which was nice. However, I spotted something interesting near the bottom of the site. Oh, I should probably mention that Monster College is kind of like a networking site, as in, it's one of Monster.com's communities where folks can join and share resources. So, anyway, I was scrolling along, and I noticed a quiz/trivia question...

Click on the image above to see what the question was and share your thoughts (if you have any).