The past couple of nights have been laced with insomnia. I have been tired, but unable to hush my thoughts. This is the part that I hate, the PTSD-esk phase - when the events and words that were said, keep replaying themselves over and over in my mind. Every time I'd close my eyes they were forced back open by my feelings about what was said and what went down, and by his reaction to me in my entirety and in my vulnerability. I think I'm still in shock. Its not like we haven't been here before, but this time was different. This time set the tone for there not to be a next time. I wasn't ready for that. It was unexpected and unwanted.

And you know what else I hate? Not knowing what to do with left over love. This love hasn't reached its expiration date yet, and now I have to place it back on the shelf, although it has already been assigned, and pretend that it doesn't exist, even though it stares back at me longingly. Pretty pathetic huh?

You're in a clingy spiral of emotion and start to resent the man in your life because his busy schedule doesn't allow you to cling to him when you need to your partner/lover/spouse doesn't have a schedule that allows them to be there for you in the ways that you need? We're talking, schedule so busy that even the occasional night out has become a rarity. We're also talking, schedule so busy that free-time is equaling he-time and not WE time. Its all kinda leading me down a road of fantasizing about punching him in the throat, so I figured perhaps I should write about it. Not the details of my fantasy of punching him in the throat, but rather how I am feeling at this moment, which includes those feelings of wanting to...

Anyway...

Point blank. I'm lonely. Ok. That is the bottom line. I am in a routine of nothingness right now so its hard to be content with having very little to fill my days with. I want life to be back on a productive track, and I also want to reap the benefits of what it means to be in a relationship, which includes something called Quality Time. It could very well be that because I have more time on my hands than I usually do, and he has the same amount of time on his hands as he usually does, I would feel like I'm not being paid attention to. I get that. When you don't have anything to do and someone else does, you do feel a little left outta the loop. But, isn't it natural for a girlfriend or wife to feel this way if her boyfriend or husband has a career that keeps him away a lot, even if the girlfriend or wife has a million things to fill her day with? It seems that civil servitude (law enforcement, law, medicine, etc) almost always leaves families in its wake. The job must always come first, and the family must accept that. But just because the family accepts it doesn't mean they like it, or that its an easy process, or even that it gets any easier over time.

And still, its a bit more than that. There are still a lot of walls between us, we are still navigating our similarities and our differences, and we are still eager to act as individuals within a team. Wait, is that part of the problem here? Not fully understanding how to be a part of a team? Not fully understanding how not to loose yourself, what uniquely makes you You, when you choose to share your space and time with someone else? Not fully understanding the difference between compromise and change? Possibly.