Ever since my Professor basically told me that my thesis topic ideas pretty much would suck as research projects, I have been a little... um... well, feeling a lot insecure about writing in general. I am suppose to choose something that not only interests me, but that interests me so much that I would want to devote the next 3 months to writing, rewriting and then rewriting it some more. Until this life changing work emerged. As a parent who is a full time student, I have been "interested" in how this process works. I have been interested in the politics of it all, because believe me, there are politics to being a certain kind of non-traditional student on a college campus. So, I am interested in the "experience", which yes, is not asking any particular questions, which yes, is therefore not presenting an opportunity to research anything, but that doesn't mean that there are no questions. I just haven't focused on them yet. Based on "experience" I know that it would be interesting to come into this project from a cultural studies perspective by looking at how the "college mother" is represented in our society. Why wouldn't this alone present some kind of opportunity for research??

I have other interests too, but right now, I just don't think my mind is into producing any kind of ground breaking work. What is it that truly interests me? What am I passionate about? What would I want to spend a bunch of weeks and devote a bunch of countless hours of research and editing to? Well, since "motherhood in academia" is not cutting it as it stands in my head right now and my Professor didn't seem to have any workable ideas to throw my way before stating in front of the entire class that "its just not a good research idea", I HAVE NO FRICKIN' IDEA! It pains me to say this, but the majority of the time I really HATE writing, which was why I came here in the first place, to try to condition myself to love it again. I mean, what's not to love about writing as a form of expression and as a way of adding to knowledge?? I definitely have a lot of work to do since I think we will be heading off to do library research in a couple of weeks. This is stressing me the hell out!!

It looks like this post has turned out to be not so random after all. I really did not intend to spend two whole paragraphs in this post, or even one about my lack of a thesis... that was suppose to be a whole other post, where I would tell you all how my Professor took my ideas and just shredded them right before my eyes and the eyes of eager on looker who know EXACTLY what the fuck they will be "researching". She destroyed not just the "motherhood in academia" idea, but also an idea that I had around "black female sexuality". Apparently, this has "already been done." Well, DUHH!!. And I can't come in on a conversation that is already in progress about black female sexuality and its representation?? Jesus Christ lady! I feel like John Nash struggling to come up with that "one original idea". He finally did, but damn, he ended up in a mental institution for a while getting electroshock treatments. Is the quest for an "original idea" gonna lead me to a white padded room too?

To see if I start running around the classroom, tearing at my hair, yelling, "THAT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR MY THESIS YOU BITCH!!", stay tuned...