I am really gonna have to stop putting off getting an eye exam. I haven't made the time for one and my eyes are not happy with me at all. My vision is blurred right now, and I am creeping into that group of people who shouldn't be doing any night driving. I think its all the result of how much time I have been spending with my computer. Since getting the Mac, it goes with me everywhere and its not uncommon for me to be peering into it all day long. Its 2:35am and here I am, peering into it, having to look away ever so often to let me eyes readjust before looking back at the screen. Just pitiful.

In the age of contacts, I am actually looking forward to wearing glasses. I used to wear glasses when I was younger, or should I say, I was prescribed glasses when I was younger. I would never wear them in public because I always had to settle for the "poor people frames". In case you are not familiar, they are the ones that are designated for people who have vision coverage through state programs, such as Medi-cal. They are not cute at all! I had enough markers of my socioeconomic status growing up, I didn't need those frames to be the icing on the cake. By the time I could afford frames that I preferred, I no longer considered myself someone who needed to wear glasses. But now, there is no denying it.

Now I have my heart set on some readers. I think they look hot with all stages and styles of natural hair.

At the very least, I have been a very naughty girl. In August I talked about shaping up; about putting myself and my health back on the priority list. And then came life, as it always does. Followed by procrastination, as it sometimes does. I just can't get started if I am not doing exactly what "I" wanna do as far as workout activities and plans. What I really have a desire to do is go back to Curves, which just isn't an option right now. So I have chosen to not take up any activities at all. Part of me is totally fine with this, but then there is the other part of me that really does want to get back to being "me". To shed this here body and reclaim the one that I work better in. Sadly, that is NOT enough motivation for me to get out of my own way when it comes to fitness. I am far from being sedentary, but still, not as active as I could be.

So, what now? Stay in the fight, that's what! I'll set new goals and try once more. At the end of the day, when I am truly ready to get fit, I will.

On the heels of Renee's Bringing Sexy Back series, I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality and (self) pleasure-o-meter. Yes. SELF pleasure ladies. Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is a very important element to intimacy, even when you have a significant other or primary lover. For the pleasure that you first give yourself, provides you with a certain level of knowledge about "you" (likes, dislikes and the like), that you can then teach to the person that you share intimacy with. But this is old news. Aside from that, sometimes the mood just arises and special needs must be met!

My naughty drawer could use a few new pleasurables, like , a little lace here, some fishnet there... a Rabbit or Hatachi anyone? Sexuality is a fixture in life that needs care just like any other area, so why not make an investment in it?

Hot spots of choice:

- Adam & Eve
- Fredrick's of Hollywood

What are yours? If you dare...

Last week, I didn't show much discipline when it came to my shape-up journey. That's what I'm gonna call this whole weight loss thing. I realize that I don't want to focus on weight alone, but on my life as a whole. My friend Traci brought a new concept to my attention concerning life and growth. One of chasing metamorphosis. Her quest to transform into the beautiful butterfly that she is destined to be, works to inspire me to do the same. It takes work, but what of importance doesn't? As we all know, life is a constant work in progress so there are many chances to find the right path for self, and even more chances to overcome the whole trial and error of experiences past.

I am recommitting myself to myself; meaning, I am going to start anew this week. The taupes has loosened it's hold on me a bit so my thinking is becoming clearer day by day, and with clarity brings new drive. So, back on the journey I go.

Nearly two years ago I decided that I was going to slim down. It was October 2007, and I found myself weighing 161 lbs. That was the most that I had ever weighed. Not too bad, right? I had always wanted to gain weight when I was a young size 5, but after seeing myself in the company Halloween photos, I wasn't too happy about what 161 lbs was looking like on my 5'1 frame. I signed on at Curves and went faithfully 3x a week, which paid off for me significantly. I dropped down to 146 lbs in just a few months. I felt really good about my progress and was looking forward to making it all the way to my goal weight of 125 lbs.

Then...

I was laid off from my job, and I let it affect my participation at Curves, and the way I ate. I went from healthy food choices back to the drive through, and from working out 3 days a week to just walking from class to class while on campus. I'm sure you know what happened next. The weight came back, and it brought 5 more friend pounds with it! The weight didn't return right away, but ever since I fell off the wagon in February 2008, my weight has been consistently on the rise.

After laying in bed all night waiting for sleep to come, and reading, and crocheting, and watching informercials, and checking emails, and arguing with myself over if I should attempt to force sleep upon myself at 4am, I made a spontaneous decision... to chase after the 'old me' again. Now, I know that life's goal should be to evolve; to become a better person than you once were. However, sometimes what we really need is the opposite. Sometimes life transforms us into people who are too different from the people of yesteryear. Haven't you even looked back at your life, and the you that you used to be, and felt the need to reground yourself? Well, that's sorta what happened to me this morning. I took a long look at the Barbara that I am right now and decided that I don't really like her. She isn't the "me" that I really wanna be. She's stuck in translation. The Barbara that I love existed before baby... before fear... she also existed within a 115 lb body that was healthy, muscular and welcomed a good challenge.

So, again, I have decided its time for me to slim down. No Curves this time, but I will revisit another program that helped me be successful. This program isn't really a program, but a social network that provides community, resources and tools, and support from folks who are in search of the same thing that you are. I'm talking about Sparkpeople.com. There, you can chart your weight loss, track and plan your meals, create a fitness routine, and jumpstart your motivation by interacting with others who are on the same path. There are even teams/groups available that you can join to help you find the support you need to reach your goals, whether its finding a buddy in your area to workout with or just another person to cheer you on. Best of all, these services are 100% free!

This morning I signed in for the first time in a year and a half, reintoduced myself and was welcomed back instantly by people who are still in the fight for good health. I am looking forward to getting readdicted to tracking my meals and earning points for keeping to my workouts. In fact, I started tracking today and I will do my first workout tonight!! After Miss J is alseep, I'm gonna pop in my Taebo dvd and work up a black sweat with Billy Blanks.

You can check out Sparkpeople if you would like to add a little virtual support to your routine, or hook up with workout buddies. Also, you can check out my profile here.

Miss J: Why aren't you gonna wear granny's coat?

Me: That's not granny's coat. I already gave it back to her. That's my coat.

Miss J: When did you get that coat?

Me: I've had it for a while, I just don't wear it.

Miss J: Why?

Me: B: Because its too big.

Miss J: Well, maybe when you get bigger you can wear it.

Me: I don't wanna get bigger, I wanna get smaller!

Miss J: Smaller? Like a kid?

Me: No, I wanna lose some of my pounds.

Miss J: Well, you need to call right now.

This picture is certainly worth a thousand words to me right now. Ever since I got the text from Miss J.'s dad, informing me that he would not be able to perform his recently instated duty of picking her up from her after-school program today, my head has been pounding. This makes two days in a row that I had to miss my Swahili lecture due to being "mommy on call"...cue my superhero music. Lord only knows what the mwalimu [teacher] has been cooking up in my absence. Hopefully I will not walk in there on Thursday to some surprise quiz. Although it would be very smart to send him an email letting him know that I am still alive, I can only think straight enough to type here, and to read blogs (which is probably why my frickin' head is still pounding after 2 Excedrine). At least the pain that was running up and down my left arm and throughout my hand is gone. Mrs. T. Allen Mercado, oh how I wish I had one or two of your happy pills right now!

I am hoping to not have a debilitated brain tomorrow since I will need all of its power to crank out my first midterm of the semester. Speaking of semesters, my very last one is quickly approaching. I am almost upon the moment where all of my sacrifice will pay off. Hot damn! I can almost see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Assuming of course that there will actually be jobs that pay a livable wage available in May. With the topsy turvy nature of our economy and its ability to pull the whole damn world down with it, who knows. What I do know, is that I can't subject my eyes to the illuminasity of my computer screen not a minute longer,

so...

Nighty night for now.

I am not a regular viewer of the show LA Ink, but I have to say that it is one of the few reality TV shows that I love to watch. Who can pass up watching real creativity at work. Tattoo artist Kat Von D is absolutely amazing, so amazing that the price of a portrait piece like the one pictured above can easily start at $1000. If I am ever going to have Kat's art grace my flesh, looks like it will only be in my dreams. I am long overdue for my next piece of body art, and getting a portrait of Miss J., accompanied by a few butterflies fluttering around her, is at the top of my tattoo wishlist.

I got my first and only tattoo 8 years ago, at age 16. After seeing my best friend's zodiac sign written in Chinese characters on her leg, I knew that a tattoo was in my immediate future. Of course my great-grandmother was completely against this idea, until I assured her that what I wanted to permanently mark my body with was something extremely meaningful. Something that would bring me a certain level of peace, my mother's name. At the time, it had been 8 years since my mother had died and I had never really stopped grieving. I longed to have her with me and this would be one way that I could do that. So, my great-grandmother hopped on a bus with me and made the trip outside of our city to Tom's Tattoo. She sat in the waiting area waiting as I was branded with the two Chinese characters that, together, pronounce the name Emma. To the melody of the needle and the stroke of his hand, I told Tom my story.

It has now been 16 years since my mother's death, and although I share her face and I wear her name, I still find myself longing for her. I find myself wishing that she was here to share my life and the life of my daughter with me. If I can not physically have her, then I must keep alive the spiritual connection that I have with her through my daughter. My mother was buried on June 5, 1992 and I gave birth to Miss J. on June 5, 2003. I feel like she was a very special gift from my mother. Placing Miss J"s portrait together with butterflies (which my mother loved) would manifest on my body, the connection that my mother shares with my daughter and the connection that they both share with me.

I will be sure to share the finished product with all of you once I have found a tattoo artist that is as equally skilled at creating portraits as the amazing Kat Von D.