And I don't even have one of these! But I do have one of these in white, and I'm wearing it proudly... pictures coming soon.

Youtube is proving to be a great research tool...

As my hair becomes fuller, and my curls become tighter, I become less fearful of styling outside the box. Granted, I am very low maintenance, which means that on any given day, I am spraying my hair with a little water to loosen the curls, and going on about my business. From time to time I have added gel to define my curls, but for the most part, I am very get-up-and-go, letting my spiral curls hide close to my scalp, while the rest of my length covers them like a frizzy cloud. Its just what works for me. However, since finding a series of videos by a fellow TWAer, I have been inspired to try something new. I mean, who new that you could style hair this short! While I can't cornrow to save my life, I thought that maybe I'd try my hand at some flat twists - they didn't turn out too bad for my first try.

My 26th is rapidly approaching, and while I have my own feelings about that, I put them aside to get out of the house for a while to join some friends for dinner and drinks. It was nothing big, but I still wanted to get all dolled up. Following Rimblu4's tutorial, I flat twisted one side of my hair, while twisting the rest. While the result was not completely the same as her's, I was still happy with it, and proud of myself for not being afraid to try something new.

Its so easy to forget days and dates, birthdays being no exception. Yesterday was my dad's birthday. Perhaps I didn't remember because I am wrapped up in myself, or perhaps its because he's no longer alive. I never remember that date either. Subconscious erasure? Perhaps.

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
wouldn't let me feel for a stranger - Tupac

I still feel Pac on this. The entire time that I knew my dad, he was in and out of jail. As a child, I had shoeboxes full of cards that he'd made me, letters he'd written me, all full of the same words. Promises to stay out of jail, reassurance that he loved me. He had a problem with following through though. He'd get out, visit me once or twice, and then the collect calls and letters resumed. This routine was one of normalcy. I was never the little girl, looking for daddy and his love. I knew where he was, and I learned early on how to interact with him from that place. As I got older, and matured, I also learned how to provide counterarguments to his "I'm gonna stay out this time". I didn't have time to hear that shit, because deep down I knew that he'd always be in. During his periods of extreme illness, I always feared that he'd die in there, and be buried - unmarked- in the prison grave yard. Luckily, it didn't happen that way.

Truth is, he gave up, and I was mad as hell. He sat there in the hospital, suffering from cancer, arguing with me over the phone about how he could smoke cigarettes if he wanted to, about how it didn't matter. That's what he told me. The daughter that could hear in his voice that he was short of breath. And that's the last time I spoke to him. I had told him that I'd be to see him on a Saturday, but he didn't wait for me. He left me, just like she did! He left me on a Friday, without the goodby I felt I was entitled to.

Obviously, he is entitled to a special place within my memory. Happy Birthday Leslie. If only you would have trusted that I could have, and did love you.

And...here we go!

1. In 1992, I was eight years old, and dealing with the death of my mother.

2. Having silly friends insures an abundance of laughter and smiles.

3. Do what you must, with what you have, where you can.

4. Some place, where a limited amount of people know my name, is where I'd like to be.

5. The trees and flowers are telling me that my purse should be stocked full of Benadryl.

6. I want the kind of love that just keeps going on.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the possibility of going out with the mamas, which needs to be a regular Friday occurrence, tomorrow my plans include being care-free and Sunday, I want to make a Spring Break itinerary for Miss. J!

Motherhood is turning out to be one of THEE coolest clubs ever. The coolest part? Its a lifetime membership.

When I found out that I was expecting, it really was a life changing experience. I was in my first semester of freshman year at UC Berkeley, not to mention, I had scholarships that I was putting to good use, and I was still learning how to share a dorm room with someone. I was in no way planning on becoming a mother all in the same breathe. In fact, I had it all planned out. I would go to college, become an investigative reporter, travel the world revealing the biggest conspiracies, while changing perceptions of inner city life, get married... and theeeeen have a baby. However, in a blink of an eye, that plan was but a dream, nine months had gone by, and I was welcoming a new member to Team Barbara. I found myself, 19, back at home, and a single mother. I couldn't help feeling like a "first generation black girl from the ghetto gets into one of the top Universities in the country only to get pregnant in her first semester and return back to the ghetto" statistic. Fortunately for me, my team was held together by some strong familial support, so I was able to take a break from Cal, regroup, and hit the academic track again with baby in tow.


By no means has it been easy or enjoyable or even pleasant 100% of the time. I have had to be creative, and develop skills that I didn't even know I was capable of possessing in order to navigate and combine the worlds of single mother and student. The two can be like oil and water on most days, and like PB&J on others. And there is always the task of negotiating the naysayers (the biggest one being myself). And what about the long list of sacrifices that I've had to make because I didn't have the privilege of being a parent of convenience? I've been having that conversation with myself, and others, for 7 years now, and still simultaneously, I get pissed off and amazed at my own strength and focus.


While I can and do bitch and moan about the struggles and hardships of being the captain of multiple ships, at the end of the day, it is in the arms of the child that I never planned to have, that I find the most comfort. It is in her words that I find the most honesty; it is in her infectious laughter that I start to remember who I use to be, way before I was told who I should be. So, yeah, to be a mother is a life changing experience on many different levels, and as much of a sacrifice as it brings with it, it also brings a multitude of uncharted waters and unexplored territory. I am looking forward to what the next 11 years and beyond bring us.

Written for the Spring Exhibition at UCSD: Exploring the "M" Word.
An Exhibition created, composed of and installed by ALL women

In the process of my ever shifting depression, anxiety, irritability and loneliness, I am trying to remind myself to smile. Its not always easily, but manageable when you have great people smiling back at you!

Last night, a friend and I had a conversation about sleep. Like "me-time", a good night's sleep or a restful nap seems to always be on a mother's list. Insomnia is like the new black. And not just the regular old I can't fall asleep. No. Many of us have, what I'd like to call, Self Induced Insomnia. From the minute our feet hit the ground, until the minute our children are tucked into bed, we are on the clock. We are doing what we can, in an allotted amount of time, and it is only after all is settled in the house, that we can even think about ourselves or any pressing projects that need our attention. I told my friend that I have been catching myself, sitting on the edge of the bed, admiring my daughter's ability to drop off whenever its lights out, and wake rested and ready for her day. Even on days that she'd rather stay sleeping than get ready for school, once up, she's UP. Maybe "admire" isn't the right word. I envy her. I want to be able to do that! I want to lay my head on my pillow, without twisting and turning, trying to find a comfortable position, one that will smoother my pestering thoughts and support my tired muscles. Why can't I do that? Instead, I'll sit up, laptop on, until 12... 1... 2... 3am, just because, now I can, in peace! Seems like further self sabotage, yet necessary.

I know I'm not, but I need to read you say it. Tell me I'm not the only one.

We were fortunate enough to pick one of the greatest weekends for a get-away. I had not realized that this was Easter weekend before planning a trip to see the new home of one of my good Cal mama friends. Fortunately, she and her family had not planned any Easter fun away from home, so we were more than welcomed to come and join them for some Easter traditions and a feast. We loaded up the car and made the 2 hour drive in the rain. Having made only one wrong turn, we arrived to curbside smiles and hugs. Its been a whole month since the big move, and although my mama friend and I have did lunch and hung out on campus since then, our kids have not seen each other at all. They went from spending every day together, to being separated. They definitely made up for lost time this weekend by losing themselves in their own special humor, lego building, video game playing, movie watching, minimal bickering and endless laughter.

Since I had no idea that Easter was so close, I had not planned anything. No basket, no church service, no Easter dinner, no Easter nothing, but my friend and her in-laws had everything covered. We went shopping for goodies and an Easter basket so that I could make one for Miss J. This would be my first time making a personalized Easter basket for her, and I really enjoyed it. I think its something that I will want to do from now on. On Easter morning, she got to open her basket with her friend.

And after a delicious brunch, we were inducted into their family egg hunt, which isn't your normal frolicking through grass to recover eggs. Aside from the fact that the rain kept us indoors, this egg hunt consisted of hiding all the components of each other's baskets, running around to find them hidden throughout the house, and then coming together at the end to enjoy our booty. It was great and a bunch of fun.

You're in a clingy spiral of emotion and start to resent the man in your life because his busy schedule doesn't allow you to cling to him when you need to your partner/lover/spouse doesn't have a schedule that allows them to be there for you in the ways that you need? We're talking, schedule so busy that even the occasional night out has become a rarity. We're also talking, schedule so busy that free-time is equaling he-time and not WE time. Its all kinda leading me down a road of fantasizing about punching him in the throat, so I figured perhaps I should write about it. Not the details of my fantasy of punching him in the throat, but rather how I am feeling at this moment, which includes those feelings of wanting to...

Anyway...

Point blank. I'm lonely. Ok. That is the bottom line. I am in a routine of nothingness right now so its hard to be content with having very little to fill my days with. I want life to be back on a productive track, and I also want to reap the benefits of what it means to be in a relationship, which includes something called Quality Time. It could very well be that because I have more time on my hands than I usually do, and he has the same amount of time on his hands as he usually does, I would feel like I'm not being paid attention to. I get that. When you don't have anything to do and someone else does, you do feel a little left outta the loop. But, isn't it natural for a girlfriend or wife to feel this way if her boyfriend or husband has a career that keeps him away a lot, even if the girlfriend or wife has a million things to fill her day with? It seems that civil servitude (law enforcement, law, medicine, etc) almost always leaves families in its wake. The job must always come first, and the family must accept that. But just because the family accepts it doesn't mean they like it, or that its an easy process, or even that it gets any easier over time.

And still, its a bit more than that. There are still a lot of walls between us, we are still navigating our similarities and our differences, and we are still eager to act as individuals within a team. Wait, is that part of the problem here? Not fully understanding how to be a part of a team? Not fully understanding how not to loose yourself, what uniquely makes you You, when you choose to share your space and time with someone else? Not fully understanding the difference between compromise and change? Possibly.

So can I get a window seat/Don't want nobody next to me/I just want a ticket outta town/A look around/And a safe touch down... I just want a chance to fly/A chance to cry/And a long bye bye...

Despite much of the ridiculous (in my opinion) rhetoric currently in progress around the "out of the box" nature of the visual presentation of this song, Erykah was right on point with her rendition of, what seems like, a recurring theme amongst mothers. The pull between being everyone's everything, and wanting/needing to be freed from the spotlight sometimes; and furthermore, the guilt often associated with "laying down on the job" or the practice of putting self last simply because of the need to be needed. No matter what stage of the motherhood game you are in, chances are, you can surely relate...

To read more click here.