I've realized that I worried you all and just left some of you hanging. I apologize for that, and want to start off by assuring you that Miss J and I are doing ok. We have family that read my blog and are aware of the situation, so if things become uneasy again here in our home we have a couple of safe places to retreat to. But you know what? I don't plan on doing any retreating. Instead, I plan to stand up and fight, because... well, I've already laid down and taken it. Its time for me to advocate for myself. I have victim's rights dammit!

Monday morning I headed straight to UCPD and filed a harassment complaint. The Officer I met with pretty much reprimanded me for not filing for sole custody of the baby way before now, if in deed the situation was as bad as I was telling her, and my envelope of documentation, and his police record was telling her it was. I broke down in tears and explained to her that I am definitely all about preventative measures, but when you are mentally fragile and someone is constantly mentally abusing you its very hard to move forward and push past the fear, anxiety and depression. Not to mention the fact that the DA had never gotten in touch with me about my previous case as I was told he would, therefore crushing my faith and trust in the structure of the law. She understood and reassured me that she was in no way blaming me for enduring my abuse or saying that I was completely bad for sending my child off to the home of a man whose companionship likes to bag up weed in his living room, just pointing out that as a mother, its my responsibility to make sure that my child is always safe, and if I don't feel like he can provide a safe atmosphere then I have the right to not let her be a part of a potentially dangerous situation. I agreed. Finally, someone was on the same page as I was about the strong need to not just wait until something bad happened, but to do everything in my power to make sure that day never comes.

So, after opening a new case to supplement the existing one, I headed over to the Gender Equity and Resource Center to seek out guidance on getting a restraining order. I did a bit of research on Sunday and found the Family Violence Law Center, which is a non-profit in my county that assists people dealing with family violence in getting restraining orders and custody sorted out. And they work with the GendEq Center. I discovered that there's such a thing as a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, and I now have those forms, all "hella many" pages of them half way filled out. I have a follow up appointment with an advocate on campus and I am in the process of setting up an appointment with the advocate from the Family Violence Law Center, who is in a position to help me with completing and filing the forms, can accompany me to court and fight with me to regain control and some possible closure to this situation.

We'll see how this whole thing plays out. He texted me again tonight asking if I can bring Miss J over on Saturday (in which he spelled her name wrong, don't worry, we're not gonna go there, ok?)... and then called me. I have not, nor do I have any intention, on responding to either. I'm physically and mentally done. Until I can file this restraining order packet, and until I find someone to supervise the temporary visitation that will probably come with the restraining order/temporary custody arrangements, the contact between he and I, thus he and Miss J will be cut off. I just can't deal with it right now nor is it wise to be talking to/traveling to his home under the circumstances!

As the process unfolds I will keep you updated, as not to worry you all half to death about our safety. I am hoping that he will just stay on his side of town and allow us to stay on ours. And I am also hoping that he has not decided to one-up me by starting a custody case of his own, since he says he has been talking to a lawyer. We shall see...

To of my favorite people... 

Two incredible voices...  

Two beautiful spirits... 

Two determined women...  

Two amazing survivors...  

Now that's HOT!

HIM: What r you doing?

ME: Going to sleep.

HIM: Well, whass up?

ME: What??

HIM: Dreamd of U just now & wantd to feel US. Thinkn itz possible 4 US. Can I come over an get wrap'd n your arms?

ME: I'd suggest you head over to the homeless shelter and get wrapped in "her" arms, or perhaps the arms of the one that's carrying your baby!

ME: There will never be anything else between us, ever again in life, so you should just block it from your mind.

HIM: Thats evil of U 2 think that.  I want you, never stopd wantn you. You knw that to b true.

ME: Well, I do not want you.

ME: Why are you calling?

HIM: To talk.  What Im askn of US is real enough to talk about.  Can I come over there?

ME: Have you been drinking or something? There is no us/will not be an us, therefore there isn't anything to talk about. Ok?

HIM: Ok so if we cant talk then lets be our selves and fuck each others lights out again?

ME: Please leave me alone.  Didn't you do enough fucking when you raped me?  What else do you wanna take from me?

HIM: So wrong of you.

ME: You are the one who is wrong.

HIM: I'll leave you alone after you admit to your bullshit felonious bullshit.  Until then stop tha b.s. And b wit me.

ME: So you are trying to completely break me?  You've taken my sanity, what more do you want, my life?

HIM: I neva wantd to break U or Ur sanity, I just want & want U.  Can I come over there right now?

ME: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't you understand what that means?  You are not wanted here.  I do not want you here.  I do not want you period. Ok?

HIM: Ok.  I understand. C you in court to let da judge cuz I feel my daughter should be raised by a man & woman not 2 twisted minded dikes.  Fuck off.

I lay deep under the covers in my bed, thoughts racing, shaking in fear. I wanna get up and check my locks, and go to the kitchen and get a knife, but I can't move.  Get up Barbara!  Go check the locks and go get a knife to put under your pillow.  He could be outside the door.  He could be watching the house, waiting for you to flip the light switch.  God, what if he tries to kill me?  I gotta get outta here.  We gotta get away from here.  He thinks I'm a lesbian.  What if he tries to kill me?  Can I get him on a hate crime?  

I am finally able to move.  I creep to my front door and peer through the darkness at the locks. All locks are secure, chain is secure.  I creep into the kitchen and turn on the light above the stove.  Reach into the drawer and come out with my butcher's knife.  I come back to my room and place the knife under my pillow.  I wanna cry.  There is fear.  I don't wanna be scared.  I wanna cry.  I take off my night shirt and panties, grab my towel and head for the shower.  This is my safe place, when I need to cry, when I need to be alone, I can think in here.

Warmth caresses my body and the tears start to flow.  Silently.  Then full blown crying. Crying... chocking back tears... crying... chocking back tears... then a full blown panic attack.  Oh my God, I am having an anxiety attack, in the fucking shower.  I can't breathe!  The gasping for air and crying is growing louder and completely outta my control.  Good thing I'm in the shower or I might wake Jalia.  Try to regain control.  Just breathe.  Just breathe.  Not working. You have to just breathe!  I try to take some deep breaths.  It starts to work.  5 minutes later, I am back in control, the attack has passed, I shut off the water, wrap myself in my towel, open the bathroom door slowly and proceed back into my room.  I dress myself and pick up the Mac...

God.  Please help me!  I can't do this.  What do I do?  Do I go to UCPD to get a restraining order?  They can't even give me one.  They will refer me to the Gender Equity Center.  What kind of a fucking police department can't issue a fucking restraining order????  I FUCKING HATE CAL!!!!!!

God.  Please help me!  What do I do?  I don't feel safe here.  We are not safe here.  He is gonna try to take my baby.  What if he tries to kill me? I can't deal with this.  I have a paper due on Tuesday.  Dammit!!!  I can't do this.  I want him to die.  If I hear so much as a jiggle of a door handle I will put this knife straight through his fucking chest!

What do I do?

Have you ever sat back and assessed a relationship and wondered why you were still participating in it?  We may find ourselves doing this when it comes to romantic relationships, but what about when it comes to friendships?  Its interesting just how much stuff we take from our friends for the sake of saving the friendship.  How many things we turn a blind eye to, or a deaf ear, when the relationship may not even be worth saving.  

Have you had to eliminate any bad apples from your inner circle, and if so, what did they do that classified as the very last straw?

Larry Seidlin, the loony ass judge that presided over the Anna Nicole Smith trial, thinks that we need to "save the state" from Nadya Suleman.  Interesting.

Attorney Gloria Aldridge speaks of possible legal action being taken against Nadya if she refuses the assistance of nurses from an NGO called Angels in Waiting, when the babies come home.  Interesting.

Is there any way to turn this whole thing off?  I am sick to DEATH of hearing about this shit. JESUS H. CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why can't I just get the weather or the local news when I turn on the tv?  Why I gotta hear about how much everyone seems to hate her every second of the god damned day???  Can someone please tell me that?  Or better yet, can someone please inform the media that there are much more important issues in the world to be "reporting" on? Every time this lady farts, a reporter is not only there to smell it, but also to do a full report on its length and pitch.  This shit is becoming just as bad as reality tv culture... which is a totally different post for a totally different day/early morning after I've had a full night's sleep.

I'm always excited and happy to receive an award from a fellow blogger. And always shocked to know that those fellow bloggers consider my ranting, raving, potty mouthed self to even be worthy of an award.  Diva Ma, over at Mommy Fabulous, not only thinks I'm worthy, but she also thinks that I'm "real, sassy and a true diva in those polka dot shoes!" Well, thank you Mrs. Diva Ma.  I really appreciate the love and I appreciate you sharing these wonderful awards me.

Here's to you ladies =).  Don't forget to:

1.Post these on your blog

2. Link back to me

3. And share them with other bloggers that you love.

I was the only 'single' in the Punany Poet house, and damn it, I was a hot one! 

I was worried about being the weird chick, with the notebook, gathered amongst those in love and lust.  Since every single soul that I propositioned for an evening out was either busy, working, or too much of a chicken to actually come right out and say that "spoken word" really wasn't their thing or that not under any circumstances would they be celebrating Valentine's Day in any way, shape, or form.  I was quickly adopted by a couple who was eager to know what they'd gotten themselves into by being in attendance.  They were unfamiliar with the group, except for the small Real Sex segment they'd seen on HBO, as was the majority of the room.  It was my first Punany experience too, but compared to the rest, I was about the most knowledgeable in terms of the group's foundation.  I found this to be highly interesting since the group's founding members are originally from Oakland!  From the mindless chatter of the audience during the Lady In Red's talk of HIV/AIDS awareness, I could tell that many were hoping that their $75 paid for more tits and ass and less chit chat.  They were unaware that this was the basis for the evenings events.  To save lives, educate and empower.

Between Hershey, the male exotic dancer, dancing, flipping and slinging his goodies in the faces and on the Punany's of willing participants, Punany's Pearl took it to the next level when she did her thing and assisted a guy in removing a string of pearls from her vagina.  Uh huh... why else do you think they call her Punany's Pearl!?!  

All in all it was a good night.  I ate, indulged in a Tequila Sunrise, planted my butt in my chair instead of venturing out and interviewing some of the folks seated with me, got a few pages of notes from my observations, and enjoyed the show.  I'd advise you to call a sitter, grab your sweetie or your girls or just your purse and check out a show when the poets come to your area.  You can check their show schedule by visiting www.punanytickets.com.

(Edit: Punany does Atlanta!  February 21st)