So, the job interview is tomorrow and I'm not exactly sure that the position is the right fit for me. Its a simple one, at a non-profit, supporting a great cause, BUT, I'm not 100% sure that its a position that I want to be "stuck" in. At a glance, I know it probably sounds a lot like nerves or the uncertainty that comes along with going into something new, or taking a risk. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt and haven't canceled the interview yet, however, its a little deeper than that. Its more along the lines of not wanting to enter into an organization just for the money and not wanting to commit my precious time and energy to a position that I am not gonna wanna get up and go do each day.

Its a really frustrating feeling/realization/process. Unfortunately, our society runs on capitalism, and in some way, shape or form, we all have to participate in it if we want to survive, unless of course we were privileged enough to have been born into wealth, whereas someone else is participating on our behalf. And when you are a parent, especially a single parent, its nearly blasphemous not to be employed, not to be providing for your family. You are expected to stop at nothing, and to do whatever it takes, even if you don't want to or like the option, in order to insure your family is cared for. So, to say, "I'm not gonna take that job because that's not something I wanna do" or "I'm not taking that job because what they're asking is beneath me" or "I'm not taking that job no matter how great the pay is" is frowned on by many. However, at the end of the day, I really can't commit to something that I know I am not fully interested in, even if the money is good, and greatly needed. A friend put it best when she said that working a job that makes you miserable just because you need the pay is much like being in an unhealthy relationship. It makes perfect sense.

So, do I really want to enter into an unhealthy relationship just because I need the financial support? I think not, and I have the choice not to go tomorrow, and to pass on this opportunity for one that will be a better fit and more fulfilling, and to go back and forth wondering if I am making the right decision by putting my needs in this situation before those of my household, and then to get over that and trust in myself and my abilities... simply going back to the drawing board.