What's a single mother who has a boyfriend? Well, she's still a single mother.
I know a host of people who have mixed feelings about ready-made families. I've heard everything from "I don't date women with kids" to "I'm not trying to be nobody's mama". My initial thought when I hear stuff like this is, who said that all single people who have kids are automatically looking for someone to step in and take the absent parent's place?? I'm not into making generalized statements, so let me say that I know there are some who are looking for a daddy for their baby or a momma to guide their daughter, BUT they are not the model of single parent dating. This may be hard to believe, but there are actual people who are more interested in finding true companionship for themselves and a true "friend" for their child. Its not always about remaking "the family".
Taking on responsibility for a child is a lifetime commitment, so I can understand the fear that some might have of being thrust into that role before they are ready. Truth is, some people shouldn't be in "that role" period. The whole aim of dating is to get to know others and determine if they are right for your life at a particular time. When the relationship stage presents itself, little questions, such as "Do I really like kids?" should have already been answered. While its not required that you be ready to sign adoption papers, it is required that you at least favor being around children if you are thinking about dating someone who has them. This in no way means that you need to start breaking the bank for your girlfriend or boyfriend's child.
Not too long ago, I asked my Kipenzi why he was interested in dating a woman with a small child? Why he didn't run for the hills when he learned that I had a toddler when we first met. Because, if there is a toddler, doesn't that mean that there is also a background man that comes along with that toddler? And if there is a background man that comes along with that toddler, doesn't that mean that drama also comes along with the background man that comes along with the toddler? His response: "It didn't bother me." Really?, I thought. It was nice to know that he wasn't initially afraid that he might be called daddy or might be called upon by me to do something "daddy" related, or might be subjected to baby-daddy drama. That was the last thing on my mind when we first met. Its still not first in line now that we are in it for the long haul. I am more interested in him getting to know Miss J as a person, rather than him filling in as a father at this point. If we make the decision to advance to a more permanent stage (ie; living together, marriage) then that will be the time to talk more about parenting together vs. him building a friendship with her.
Have you ever had a relationship end just because either you or the person that you were dating was a parent? Do the rules change when there is more than one child involved? More than one "baby mama" or "baby daddy"?
I know a host of people who have mixed feelings about ready-made families. I've heard everything from "I don't date women with kids" to "I'm not trying to be nobody's mama". My initial thought when I hear stuff like this is, who said that all single people who have kids are automatically looking for someone to step in and take the absent parent's place?? I'm not into making generalized statements, so let me say that I know there are some who are looking for a daddy for their baby or a momma to guide their daughter, BUT they are not the model of single parent dating. This may be hard to believe, but there are actual people who are more interested in finding true companionship for themselves and a true "friend" for their child. Its not always about remaking "the family".
Taking on responsibility for a child is a lifetime commitment, so I can understand the fear that some might have of being thrust into that role before they are ready. Truth is, some people shouldn't be in "that role" period. The whole aim of dating is to get to know others and determine if they are right for your life at a particular time. When the relationship stage presents itself, little questions, such as "Do I really like kids?" should have already been answered. While its not required that you be ready to sign adoption papers, it is required that you at least favor being around children if you are thinking about dating someone who has them. This in no way means that you need to start breaking the bank for your girlfriend or boyfriend's child.
Not too long ago, I asked my Kipenzi why he was interested in dating a woman with a small child? Why he didn't run for the hills when he learned that I had a toddler when we first met. Because, if there is a toddler, doesn't that mean that there is also a background man that comes along with that toddler? And if there is a background man that comes along with that toddler, doesn't that mean that drama also comes along with the background man that comes along with the toddler? His response: "It didn't bother me." Really?, I thought. It was nice to know that he wasn't initially afraid that he might be called daddy or might be called upon by me to do something "daddy" related, or might be subjected to baby-daddy drama. That was the last thing on my mind when we first met. Its still not first in line now that we are in it for the long haul. I am more interested in him getting to know Miss J as a person, rather than him filling in as a father at this point. If we make the decision to advance to a more permanent stage (ie; living together, marriage) then that will be the time to talk more about parenting together vs. him building a friendship with her.
Have you ever had a relationship end just because either you or the person that you were dating was a parent? Do the rules change when there is more than one child involved? More than one "baby mama" or "baby daddy"?
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on Sunday, September 06, 2009
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