"happy pills have a way of numbing the passion it takes to string together thoughts and ideas"

I think Tameka was right. I wrote about my return to happy pills here, and since then, I've pretty much left them in the bottle. I refilled my prescription in hopes of restarting my routine today, but I'm just not so sure I want to. The Celexa started off ok. I didn't wanna give myself a placebo effect so I tried to view them as being sort of like a vitamin. That way, if I started to feel better, it wouldn't be because I desperately wanted the meds to work, but because they were working. I did feel a little better in terms of enjoying Miss J more, but it was semi-overshadowed by a roller-coaster of emotions. The ups and downs that first month brought had my doctor rethinking Celexa as a choice. Then, just like that, I was back to my old self again. Not the old self before depression and ill feelings because that self is never old, but back to my natural state of being irritably depressed. It was then that I missed a day's dosage, which turned into a few more day's dosages, which turned into me having a day of the jitters like a dope fiend.

I'll be seeing my doctor next week to see what the next steps should be, and I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about me suddenly stopping, but then again, I always suddenly stop when I feel like I'm wasting my time so I'm sure she's probably used to it by now. I've made the decision that I should just wait until I see her before cracking open that bottle back open and diving into the next 30 days, just in case we both decide that I should move on to the next drug or try yet another approach. You know, I'm starting to feel like there is some part of my brain that is un-fixable. I feel like "this" just is and I just need to figure out ways to make it work for me instead of against me. We'll see what happens...