Since the day that I found out, I have been trying to figure out the best way to break the news to Miss J. I think I have been mostly worried about creating a certain level of fear within her by revealing to her that her friend has died. A sadness or panic that would somehow change the way she functions in her day to day life. However, I've come to realize that I am mainly projecting my own sadness and reaction to this event onto her. So, last night, with my grandmother there for support, I put those fears aside, grabbed Maria Shiver's What's Heaven?, a Goodbye booklet that the kids created for each other upon graduating from Preschool, and had "the talk" with her about Zach's passing.



I just came right out with it and told her that he had died. She asked why. I told her he got hurt in an accident. She wanted to know why the doctors couldn't help him. I told her he was hurt too badly and that most of the time doctors can help people when they get hurt, but sometimes when people are hurt really really really badly, the doctors can't help them. I told her he went to go live with Jesus now, then asked her if she remembered what Heaven was. She said, "in the clouds, like where my other granny is?" Then she wanted to know why he'd have to go there, and why granny had to go there, and I just told her it was granny's time to go live with Jesus.

We read the Goodbye booklet, going to the page that Zach created for her, and reading his message to her, "To: Jalia. You're my bestest friend ever!" followed by a drawing of a heart with an arrow going through it. She seemed content with it, content with the happy memory, but a little sad at the same time. I think the ideology of happy memories is what made it a bit easier for me to talk to her about this difficult subject. I was able to give her the truth, which I think is very important, and ease her mind and provide comfort by redirecting her mind to happier times and situations surrounding Zach. She is a pretty strong girl, I could even go as far to say, she is a bit stronger that her mother in certain areas, so I had an idea of what she'd be able to handle when it came to facts or details and what she could not.

I asked her if she'd like to go say goodbye to Zach on Saturday, and she first said that she wasn't sure, then asked where we'd say goodbye at. I reminded her of how we went to a church to say goodbye to her granny, and that the same would be happening for Zach. Everyone would go to the church to tell him goodbye. She then became sort of excited at the thought of "going to the church" because that would require going to the store to get new "church shoes" since her's no longer fit.

I do not yet know if we will be able to make the trip since its 6hrs away down in Southern California. However, with everything in me, I want to make that trip. I want to be able to say goodbye to Zach, to have a sense of closure for myself, to show support to the family as I don't know if any other "Cal family" will be able to attend, and to provide Miss J this final opportunity. Again, I think attending would be more for my own healing than for hers. I will have to make a decision today because I would want to leave tonight as opposed to tomorrow since the service begins at noon. I wouldn't want to spend 6 hrs in the car and then have to get right out and attend the service. I would want both myself and Miss J to be well rested and prepared for the day. I am giving myself the next 6 hours to come to a decision.