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Untitled

Somehow, each year is always like the last when it comes to "remembering" my mother. Whether it be her birthday or the anniversary of her death, I'm always left feeling a certain way, a way that in no way involves closure. Out of all the dates and all the loved ones, her dates are the ones that are forever etched in my mind. July 2nd, June 5th, and today, May 31st. I can still remember words and actions, and reactions, yet, I still can't remember her voice or her smell - those things aren't brought back by time or through photographs - apparently, neither is healing. I don't really know when I'll ceased to be affected in this way.

For the first time in a long time, I was able to take some flowers up to the cemetery on one of her actual dates. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't cry. Not because I no longer needed to, but because I had Miss J with me. It was a very quick visit, I couldn't risk losing it in front of the baby, she wouldn't fully understand, or maybe I'd like to think that she wouldn't understand so that she wouldn't be left with the task of comforting me. I was once comforted by a complete stranger on one of my cemetery visits, although I'd much rather be comforted by my grandmother, but she refuses to visit the my mother's grave with me. I try to understand why.

There isn't anything left to say except that I am affected the same in year 18, as I was in year 1.

When you lose your parent(s) before you have formed your own identity, do you ever recover?

This entry was posted on Monday, May 31, 2010 and is filed under , , . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .
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7 comments

Tiffany  
June 1, 2010 at 1:08 PM

I don't think you ever do. It's been only 3+ years since I lost my father but every day I feel like I have lost him over again if something triggers a memory of him. I don't think I will ever get over it.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

Beauty in Rare Form  
June 1, 2010 at 1:47 PM

How nice that you were able to take some flowers to your Mama. Beautiful. As emotional as that must have been for you, you kept from crying because Emma was there. I hope you got some time afterwards to release the tears because I know you don't need me to tell you..."there is nothing wrong with it". I can't imagine what you are going through or why things happen the way they did for you. I do know that there are many amongst us, with a Mama still around that don't know their/OUR true identity. I think that's a whole other process that we need to figure out. I say that because I'm there in a lot of ways. I'm still trying to figure it all out, you know?

Barbara  
June 1, 2010 at 2:19 PM

@ Redbonegirl97: I'm sorry about your dad. I think its true. The loss is one that takes an entire process, sometimes, an entire lifetime (or though it seems) to be able to work through. People like you bring me comfort, even though the community is one that harbors pain.

@ Traci: You make a really good point Sis. This thing can be so complex. You know how people are always talking about how not having a father affects girls? Like, their choices in men, etc... well, how about the affects of not having a mother on a girls? (its probably a good thing to note that not having a mother/good relationship with the mother has a huge affect on boys - kinda working the same way that not having a father affects girls).

Bringing it back to those unresolved childhood issues huh, lol. I guess the best we can all do is try to work through life one phase at a time.

miss nico  
June 2, 2010 at 12:10 AM

I was two when I lost my dad... and I still struggle. I think it's been even harder since I've had a child of my own, knowing now how deep that loss can be. Much love girl... much love...

Barbara  
June 2, 2010 at 1:04 AM

@ miss nico: Loss is truly one of those events that transcend time. Traci and I have discussed at length the affects of losing a parent before you have even gotten the chance to know them. Its not fair, and I think that we all should be allowed to say that and to feel that way. We should have gotten the opportunity to know, love and grow old with our parents.

Love you too Nico!

Beauty in Rare Form  
June 3, 2010 at 9:50 PM

Girl, those unresolved childhood issues get us EACH and EVERY TIME, don't they? We can't seem to escape them. I wonder if metamorphosis even knows we're alive LOL!

MissBrandiss  
June 7, 2010 at 8:19 AM

"When you lose your parent(s) before you have formed your own identity, do you ever recover?"

I always wondered the same thing. Not for myself but for my 3 cousins. They lost their mom on '93 and their dad in '95. We were all still in elementary school. I know they still struggle with and they're now 22, 23 and 25. None of them graduated from HS. One got GED in jail and another one just got GED also.
I think they have issues with trust, and giving up on stuff, and just having an "I don't care attitude".
I try to reach out to them, but it's hard to get through. I see it's painful to deal with... I can only pray for them though.

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