Its so easy to forget days and dates, birthdays being no exception. Yesterday was my dad's birthday. Perhaps I didn't remember because I am wrapped up in myself, or perhaps its because he's no longer alive. I never remember that date either. Subconscious erasure? Perhaps.

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
wouldn't let me feel for a stranger - Tupac

I still feel Pac on this. The entire time that I knew my dad, he was in and out of jail. As a child, I had shoeboxes full of cards that he'd made me, letters he'd written me, all full of the same words. Promises to stay out of jail, reassurance that he loved me. He had a problem with following through though. He'd get out, visit me once or twice, and then the collect calls and letters resumed. This routine was one of normalcy. I was never the little girl, looking for daddy and his love. I knew where he was, and I learned early on how to interact with him from that place. As I got older, and matured, I also learned how to provide counterarguments to his "I'm gonna stay out this time". I didn't have time to hear that shit, because deep down I knew that he'd always be in. During his periods of extreme illness, I always feared that he'd die in there, and be buried - unmarked- in the prison grave yard. Luckily, it didn't happen that way.

Truth is, he gave up, and I was mad as hell. He sat there in the hospital, suffering from cancer, arguing with me over the phone about how he could smoke cigarettes if he wanted to, about how it didn't matter. That's what he told me. The daughter that could hear in his voice that he was short of breath. And that's the last time I spoke to him. I had told him that I'd be to see him on a Saturday, but he didn't wait for me. He left me, just like she did! He left me on a Friday, without the goodby I felt I was entitled to.

Obviously, he is entitled to a special place within my memory. Happy Birthday Leslie. If only you would have trusted that I could have, and did love you.