Yeah, but what's the time limit on temporary?

I have a confession to make. I am not ok today. I haven't been ok for at least a few weeks and counting. I am not ok academically. I am not ok financially. I am not ok personally. I am not ok mentally. And from what I read today over at My Brown Baby, not being ok has gone national.

What T. of Tea N Honey Bread has labled "the taupes" is now upon me. As I said, it has been present for a while, I have just been trying to ignore it. Trying to channel my inner strength and work around it. Today, I am no longer in denial. There is no "working around it". You don't happen to "the taupes", they happen to you, which means that no matter how hard you try, the feelings and situation is not under your control. Thinking of putting that last line on a business card to hand out to everyone who is currently expecting me to be performing at my best.

I have been dealing with depression since before I had a clinical term to place on feelings that I thought were normal. Not diagnosed until my pregnancy, I had been dealing with many things by tucking them away in my subconscious. All of that ended once therapy began. The shrinks failed to mention that once they opened up the memory levies that they weren't gonna actually provide me the tools to put it all back together again. They just left my ass out in the flood waters knowing that I can't swim. Luckily I found a piece of drift wood and drifted on into the blogosphere.

I sooo don't have time to be in this state of being right now. There is sooo much to do. Miss J.'s hair needs to be combed out. The majority of it is a nest of tiny little spiral curls that have been pulled up into her famous puff and a small fraction lies in three plait that have been semi prepped for the blow dryer. The laundry is sitting here haunting me. The week isn't gonna wait for me to get my shit together; the baby needs clothes in order to head back to school on Wednesday and I could use some too. Then there is the thesis. I gotta tell you, its not looking too good. The professor asked for a 10 page draft this Friday and so far I haven't produced anything. 10 pages wasn't even a set number, she just wants us to write so that the ball is continously in motion on our projects. For this reason, the draft was not going to be graded, just critiqued. I have sources and information that have been read and some that have not. Ideas that are trapped in my mind. A brain that is currently dysfunctional.

I am being asked to speak with a voice that is foreign to me. I somehow feel like I haven't been trained to do this even though I know I have. Its pretty hard to make a clear argument when you are unable to organize your thoughts, or simply when you don't have any thoughts to organize. I am hoping that my brain will get the relief it needs soon because I need to have a completed project by December 15th. Not to mention all of the other areas in my life that really need me right now.