Is there an immediate difference between the two? Those of us who work from an American Dream type of ideology would probably say that there isn't, stating that to be disciplined is an act of showcasing self control and to be "self" motivated is an act of being in control of self. The common denominator here is "individualism", which we are all taught is the only way to truly achieve any level of success. You have to be responsible for yourself; you have to think for yourself; you can't just wait around for things to be handed to you; you have to make things happen for yourself, we are told. So, then where do the concepts of group effort, community, and support network fit in?

I ask, because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about where discipline and motivation fit into my life. As I think about all of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year, and how excited and ready I was to improve myself, I have sadly been falling short. On December 30, 2007, in my Myspace blog I wrote:

No resolutions for me, only long term and short term goals. I have learned from experience that resolutions are made to remain unkept and goals are set to be achieved =). So, I have set some goals for myself to work toward in 2008.

In no particular order:

1. Become a senior!!
2. Maintain a healthier lifestyle.
3. Reach my fitness goal.
4. Gain mental clarity.
5. Get my money straight.
6. Be a BETTER than the best mother that I can be.
7. Find happiness within myself.
8. Raise confidence levels beyond the max.
9. Say goodby to my comfort zone.
10. Accept all challenges head on.

Since then, I have achieved some of these things, but am not working hard enough toward others and I think it has a lot to do with the ways that discipline and motivation are currently positioned in my life. Last October, when I reached 161 lbs, I took a long look at myself and decided that I wanted to reclaim the person I was before I became a mom. Its not about running away from who I am now, as a mom, but about proving that I am many other things in addition to being a mom. Its about remembering the things that I was working toward before becoming a mom. And furthermore, its about simultaneously reclaiming and defining "my" identity.

I was hell bent on making not just some changes in my life, but a lifestyle change this year. I started exercising, eating healthier, I was working part time and doing well in my classes. I lost 16 lbs and was much more fit than I had been. Then I was laid off from my job in April and everything changed. I lost my motivation to stick to both my workout plan and my new nutritional habits. As much as I love martial arts, I could only bring myself to keep my date with Billy Blanks twice. Now he just sits on top of the dvd player waiting for me to get my shit together. I am overall disappointed in myself for dropping the ball. Disappointed in my lack of "self" motivation and my lack of discipline... but should I be? Should I be disappointed in myself for not being in the individualistic spirit these days... for yearning for support as a form of motivation? Are external motivators just all wrong?

I have been considering joining some kind of exercise class in hopes of generating some sort of support network that would make me want to keep up with it. Now that all of the handouts and newletters are being brought home by Miss J. I am thinking of using her as a motivator. I saw a hip hop dance class that I think she would love. Now all I have to do is track down the instructor's email address so that I can convince him that letting my five year old join a class that is limited to 8-10 year olds would be a great idea. Maybe I can find a class that will be fun for me and that will give me a good workout at the same time, like the bellydance class that I have been wanting to take forever.

So, how do all of you view motivation and discipline? Do you think that motivation should always come from within? Do you think that we all should have some form of discipline in our lives when it comes to doing things for ourselves? Let me know.